Jealous and insecure issues

Every relationship is different. My fiance has boys nights, but we don't have trust issues nor have we ever. It if were our relationship, going out 3 nights a week in general (even if we were together) just wouldn't happen. We both work 8-6 and enjoy our time together at home after work cooking dinner or doing house projects or walking our dog. I would say you for sure need to continue therapy together and as individuals. It seems odd your fiance would "represent" himself as single if he is engaged. That would bother me.

You said you did it before; I think you need solo counseling sessions in addition to couples counseling.

I don't doubt that your feelings are warranted. Obviously, you know your own history better than we do, and it seems like trust and jealousy have been continuous problems. I'm sorry that you feel this way.

A few things:

1. How are you addressing these issues? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the sense that you talk to him either at the bar about it, or shortly thereafter. Sometimes it's good to talk about things right away, but I think holiday weeks are kinda blegh for everyone and if's going to the bar as often you say, he's probably trying to work off stress. So if his behavior bothers you, it's better to give him some space, and give you time to think about how to bring it up without losing to your emotions (not saying you do this, I'm speaking from experience)

2. When you address him, plan it out and be direct but firm. No shouting, preferably no tears, just say: "I love you very much, and I'm excited for this next step in our lives. I love our relationship and letting everyone know how happy I am. Sometimes when we are out in public I don't feel that we are on the same level of pride." Or something like that. Start your sentences with "I feel" rather than you. Little therapy trick I picked up.

3. Speaking of therapy, you should consider it. I think that even perfectly happy couples should go through therapy before getting married. You don't want to carry old issues into a new phase of your relationship.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this.

Also, I’d like to add- as someone who just truly enjoys meeting and getting to know new people, I’ve struck up plenty of conversations in bars with men and I’ve never once been looking to get with any of them. Not every girl out there wants to get with someone just because she sits down and talks to them.

Hey CountryBride,
I just want to give you a hug. I feel you in so many respects. Here are just a few things I would say.
1. Listen to yourself. The things that bother you, bother you for a reason. A friend of his you don't like is one that might not be the best for him. You love him and want his best. I've had similar situations. I would hope he listens to you with regards to this.
2. It may not have been him that cheated on you BUT he needs to understand that what you have gone through is literally trauma. And trauma takes a lot of time, patience, kindness, and understanding to heal. He needs to hear you and your fears and be willing to do his part in showing you that he is yours, 100% trustworthy, and safe. Safety is huge when moving on from past betrayal.
3. Therapy is good - I hope you're going together. Be sure it's someone with experience in sexual addiction and trauma. Not all MFTs understand betrayal related trauma and triggers coming from that kind of history.
4. He should absolutely be representing himself as an engaged man. The highest compliment my FH received is that he carries himself like a married man. Not doing this would be a huge red flag for me and kill all sorts of trust. Again, listen to yourself here. You are not off base.
Finally, please know I say all of this from first hand experience. You FH needs to be willing to make some serious adjustments. If he was a war vet and came home with PTSD you would do what was needed to make sure he felt safe. It wouldn't matter that you weren't the cause of his ptsd. Same for you and he. It doesn't matter that he isn't the direct cause of your trauma/trust issues. Love says that he needs to do what he can to ensure you feel safe and assured of his faithfulness. If he is not willing to do so, there may be deeper problems that he needs to work on.

View Quoted Comment Completely agree with this. I think you are way overreacting and some counseling would be good. I talk to men all the time, it doesnt mean I'm looking for something. I'm also curious as to how you expect him to represent himself as engaged in a casual conversation? I think mentioning you are engaged in the second sentence is a little ridiculous and shouldn't be expected of your FH. If it comes up that's great but I'm never one to advertise my relationship status because theres really no reason for it. I'm not looking to hook up with someone if we're having a conversation so why should it matter? I dont mean to sound callous because you've obviously hurting and I feel for you, but I think you need some perspective and to continue to work through these issues with a professional.

You'd want to solve those problems before you get married, because they will not get any better.

I can see where you are coming from. I'm sorry, The biggest red flag for me is that he wants to go out 3 nights a week, to bars, without you. I mean WHAT?? That seems excessive. I can't come up with 3 nights in 5 years that my husband and I have been together where he or I chose to go out locally without the other. That doesn't seem like someone that is interested in a relationship. We literally can't wait to see each other and spend time together at the end of the day. I feel like there is some resentment on your part with regards to that and I completely understand. My fear is that it will only get worse from here. Once you bring children into the mix, is he going to continue to go out 3 times a week? There is nothing wrong with wanting to hang out with your friends, that just seems excessive to me. I don't think the talking to the girls thing is as big of an issue as the fact that he is even in the bar that much alone in the first place.

I would also talk in therapy with him about what he wants out of this relationship. You deserve to feel loved and valued. Time is the most precious thing your partner can give you and you deserve that. Be on the same page as far as expectations go.

I don't think you are being jealous or overreacting. I think you are feeling undervalued as a partner (and rightfully so) and that is what needs to be addresses ASAP.

Best of luck to you. I hope everything works out.

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Thank you for your response. To give you a little clarification regarding going to the bar so much. I just started working a 2nd job and don't get home until after 7pm. By the time I get home I am physically and mentally exhausted. I don't make dinner because of my energy level and the fact that i am not hungry and he is usually involved in a project in the garage, therefore he has to fend for himself (we do not have children yet). Sometimes (very rarely) will he make himself dinner consisting of chicken nuggets / mac and cheese or a burger. But usually he goes out to the bar with his one single friend who I really don't like and don't trust. He is always looking for his next booty call and wraps my FH into it and FH doesn't even realize its a problem. Sometimes when he goes out to the bar I am thankful because I am so exhausted and just want to go to bed or veg in front of the TV and when I feel like that I have very low patience and could snap at him so its in his best interest to go. It was never the same bar 3-4 times a week. Just since this new bar opened on the college campus and the fact that he can walk to it, it is now his 2nd home. I am extremely insecure and have been working on myself but I have major set backs and when FH doesn't understand I get upset. If the tables were turned he would have a problem with it. I do feel undervalued. I never go out or do anything really. Don't have many friends and don't hang out often. He never has to worry about me getting hit on. I am always home.

The biggest issue to me here honestly seems like the fact that he goes out to bars 3 nights a week with his friend. Regardless of how he behaves there even, the fact that he does this at all seems problematic. It seems like maybe he should be using that time to invest in your relationship and growing your bond and your trust. The fact that he doesn’t understand why you are upset is a bad sign. I think some more couples therapy would do you both some good. I’m so sorry you’re going through this :/

I understand based on your past experiences that you have trust issues but until you resolve those I don't think you should be planning a wedding. I don't think that your fiance should be going out ad much as he does, my husband never would do that. I would talk calmly about your feelings and express them in not a way that says you don't trust him but that you want more time with him and aren't able cause he's at the bar so much. I also agree with the others that just because a female speaks to him doesn't mean they wantto take him home. I chat with guys when with friends but have no desire to take them home, even when I was single. Lastly, I would continue some independent counseling.

I'm sorry you are feeling down about this. I agree with others and from reading it seems a little of an overreaction and with how the message reads as a angry and a little frantic, I'm wondering how you're addressing the situation with him, accusing him? Jumping to conclusions? When you talk do you listen to his side? Really listen?

I dont have a trust issue, but whenever I'm with my now husband and his friends I may not know I've felt left out in the past. I'm a bit awkward, I don't understand their jokes, I've felt at times I'm the butt of some because "I don't get it." He has broad shoulders and I'm short and his body language he'll unintentionally sort of block me out. We've talked about it and to him it's "just get in there and join the conversation." In the past I've gotten angry, distant, quiet. But I'm trying to communicate better and now, I try really hard to be more involved, but I will tell him when I feel left out and dismissed at different point and I think he's more aware of that too.

Working 2 jobs is tough and I get being exhausted. I'd try to set a schedule with your fiance. Is there a TV show or game that you'd want to play together on the days you just want to stay home? Can he help prep dinner for when your get home? Him going out a lot won't change when you get married, so if that bothers you, maybe you need to work through that with a counselor, so you and your fiance are on the same page with what marriage means to you.

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I 100% agree with this! I did solo sessions as well as couples counseling. I started my solo sessions 1st because I had just had a baby and was dealing with PPD. Perfect timing to do both, work on yourself individually and then togetehr as a couple. I suggest counseling to everyone!!

"I never go out or do anything really. Don't have many friends and don't hang out often. He never has to worry about me getting hit on. I am always home."

This is a choice that you are making. It's a little unfair to throw this on him when you chose to stay home for any reason. Just because you make the choice not to go out, doesn't mean that he has to make the same choice.

I'm a female in a same sex relationship. I love meeting new people. So does my FW. We have never met a stranger. We will literally talk to anyone and everyone. Never once have either one of us started up a conversation with the intention of getting in someone's pants. So just because a female is speaking to him, does not always mean that she is trying to get with him.

I also agree with the post that said introducing your relationship status immediately in a conversation is weird. "Hey! Nice to meet you! I'm Jessica the engaged lesbian!" That's just strange. If the conversation has nothing to do with your relationship, then I'm not understanding why it is necessary to assert your relationship into a friendly conversation.

On a positive note, I'm all about therapy! FW and I have been going to therapy together since year two. We love it. We go regardless of if there's any current issues. We go just to get a fresh perspective on things. It sounds like that would be super helpful for you guys!

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Agree so much with allll of this!

Thank you everyone for their comments and advice. My FH and I are doing much better. The day I wrote this he talked to me after I got home from work. He apologized for his reaction to my feelings and acknowledged them. We agreed to communicate better and acknowledge both of our feelings....no matter how ridiculous and talk them out to figure out why ridiculous or justified. I was very happy and proud of him. He also suggested we go back to that bar without the friend I do not like so I can have a more positive experience. I really didn't want to go back to that bar and feel the way I did but I agreed to work with him. None of the bartenders from the other night were there so it wasn't completely the same....especially the one that only talked to them and ignored me. But I am still working on myself and insecurities. And the fact that he is working with me helps.

He went back to the same bar last night with the friend I do not like. The friend invited me along but I had no interest. I wanted to leave it on a positive note. Prob best if I only go to that bar with my FH and I. I was still not completely thrilled they were going to the bar again but I wasn't making anything for dinner and my FH had to eat. I was happy he wasn't gone too long...left 630ish..home by 8pm (only know bc I was watching a Hallmark movie and he came home before it was over LOL). I will continue to work on myself and FH is working with me to make me feel better about myself too.

Thank you all again for your comments, advice and time.

I understand where your coming from I've been with my fiance for 7 years and was married to aan who I couldn't trust. I had the craziest scenarios. What helped was writing it down and realizing that my insecurity was warented because of my past but was not justified because my fh hasn't done anything to give me trust issues. You need to back off . It is extremely unfair for you to complain he doesn't say we're together guys don't set grounds seriously if a girl hits on him and he says I'm engaged okay but you can't expect him to say hi I'm Michael I'm engaged kinds akward. Reassure yourself is he coming home to you? Is he engaged to you? Okay then go to counseling but also understand you may not like his friend but he does and you need to respect that how would you like it if your fh didn't like your friend because she was single and a little loose? Would you stop hanging out with her probably but would that make you happy?

I think I see the same issue that most of the ladies on here see, why does he need to go to a bar whether on a college campus or not 3 times a week. If you are working a second job and when you come home you are beat why does he not cook dinner for the both of you. It doesn't matter if he is a good cook or not it is the thought that counts. And especially because of your insecurities he could help and use that time to have one on one time with you. Watch a movie, massage, some type of serious interaction. A husbands job is to secure his wife that way she has no reason to feel any woman can even get close to her man. I am def not judging the situation but I have been through this and me and my FH talks about this all the time when he sees me starting to snap or feeling unsure he always goes above and beyond to make sure that I know it is nothing to worry about that. And on the other hand him betraying hisself as a single man, now I don't believe he needs to walk into a place and announce " I am engaged and soon to be married" but he def should be walking in the aspects that he is a very taken man. Please make sure these issues are cleared up before you walk down the aisle. Make it clear how you feel.. determine what is in your head, and what is your gut instinct. And know what your limits are, how much are you willing to deal with. And the last thing you need to find a hobby. It can get very lonely knowing your man is having fun with his friends and all you do is sit in the house it is going to drive you crazy and can make you take things out on him for the simple fact that you are not doing anything. Its nothing wrong with someone hitting on you or approaching you. It becomes wrong when you don't put them in their place. You cant control if someone thinks you are gorgeous it can happen at work or the grocery store and you still go those places. You cant be under each other 24/7 find something you enjoy doing without him. I wish you all the best of luck.

Is it possible you and FH simply have different values? When I think of a jealousy problem, I’m thinking of someone who is always calling/texting, keeping track of their S/O’s whereabouts, suspicious of completely innocuous relationships like coworkers and peers, thinks their partner is lying or hiding things, etc. Maybe some of those things ring true for you, but to me it sounds like you specifically dislike the idea of your FH going to bars frequently with his single friend who is looking to pick up girls. I don’t think that’s unfair at all. If it’s guys night and they all head to the bar to watch a game and/or talk, that’s very different from surrounding yourself with friends who are specifically going out to pick up girls. I would find it odd if he wasn’t constantly in situations where he’d have to tell girls he was engaged for that reason? But I also believe that not every girl who does talk to him is trying to pick him up either.

Additionally, it does sound like an issue of wanting to be seen and valued by your partner. He’s always out when you come home, when he is out he’s representing himself as single (though if you could clarify what that means, that’d be great), his friends are surprised to see you and you’re out of the loop. I’ve got to be honest, I kind of see where you’re coming from. When I’ve met some of my husband’s friends, they could carry a conversation with me like they knew me, recognized me from photos they’ve seen in his office, etc. Additionally, I went through my “party phase” in my early twenties, but three times a week, even back then, feels excessive to me - especially for someone who is about to get married. But that’s just me and what I value.

I definitely see the value in solo counselling but I also think it would be good to go together so you can clarify your values, find solutions in an encouraging and safe environment, etc. You should be working together on this before you say I do.

My FH goes out once a week with his friends. Sometimes it is to a bar, sometimes it is to a place to play board games. My FH is also SUPER social and will talk to anyone. I know he talks with other girls while he is out, but there is no intention behind it and if it were asked or brought up he would mention me. He, however, does not introduce himself by going 'Hi, I'm engaged' because that is just weird.

I think you are putting how you want to act on him even though that isn't his personality and that isn't fair. I do agree with everyone here that going to solo therapy would probably really help as it seems like the trust issues are your issues. I don't necessarily see anything wrong with going out 3 times a week if you have the money/energy to do so. Just because you don't want to, doesn't mean he can't.

I really do feel for you though and do agree with a previous poster that planning a wedding might not be the best thing to be doing at this moment. Focus on yourself first.