A
Super September 2019

It’s been a while, not sure If this is a vent or question?

Anna, on September 7, 2019 at 5:06 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 17
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Hi everyone,

it’s been a little bit since I’ve posted, I’m two weeks out from the wedding and I’m starting to second guess a few things. This will be long winded so I apologize, I think it’s just a way for me to map out my feelings and maybe ask a question or two in my ramblings.

My fiancés stepmom and father have been life savers with the wedding, they’ve helped us in ways that helped us be able to have the wedding. Wedding itself is nothing big (actually pretty small and modest), but I’ve fallen into rough times so having his parents offer so much to help has truly been a blessing. We always make sure to say thank you each time and explain how grateful we are

Of course with them helping means they get a say in most things, which honestly is not a huge deal. Mainly just adding a few guests right before deadline (family and close friends of stepmom, would say yes of course regardless) and asking for two out of town people to come to the rehearsal dinner after I specifically said no out of towners at the dinner (I’m paying for the dinner myself) but in hindsight two people doesn’t make that big of difference, so of course I say yes no problem. It’s being held at my parents so it’s limited space which is why we need to keep it small. But again, two extra people won’t make a difference and my parents were okay with it. So no problem!

Yesterday things got a little interesting. I had my final count appointment scheduled this past Thursday where I pay the remaining balance. A couple months ago my fiancé’s stepmom approached us and said they want to pay for the bar upgrade and to let them know when I make my appointment to make the final payment and they’ll pay the venue directly. Before making the appointment for Thursday I went back and forth with his stepmom on what times/dates they were available and pretty much nothing lined up with the venue. She said no problem and to let her know if they accept credit cards over the phone (because she wouldn’t be there and thought it would be easier than sending me the check). After a lot of back and forth (different story LOL) I confirmed they do accept over the phone. This conversation took place on the Tuesday before that Thursday. I immediately text his stepmom letting her know and she recognized she got the text. On Wednesday I followed up with her asking her to communicate with me and let me know if everything goes okay over the phone and if she needs anything from me. I heard nothing... show up to the appointment and she never called, leaving me in a spot to pay an extra 930 cash that was reserved for HMUA but was put on the spot. Now I will say they have helped with financials through out the past year and have always been true to their word, so I was very surprised that this happened. So I had my fiancé text her and she immediately text me saying she’s sorry and that she had a busy day ect and that she’ll give me the check on Friday (yesterday) at dinner. Okie dokie at least I knew after the fact..

Friday. We took them out to dinner as a thank you for all they have done and we both wrote personal thank you notes and got them a very generous gift card to a restaurant we know they like to have a nice night out. She gave the check and said how bad she felt, I brushed it off and said it’s okay, we just appreciate all they have done. She later asks about the seating chart (that was been finalized and approved through the third party we’re printing through) and she asked if she could make a change, which I said No. She seemed pretty disappointed and surprised I said no. Supposedly she doesn’t like her sister in law that’s sitting at her table. I said I was sorry but the place cards are already approved and were about to be shipped (they just shipped today! Yay!).

So all of that to say that I’m second guessing myself on how I handled her request. there’s really nothing I can do as the third party (Etsy vendor) specifically said once approved there will be no changes. I have been very accommodating and said yes to everything else she has asked (which again are really no big deals) but I feel bad I said no and I feel like I should have asked her before finalizing the seating chart. Not sure if this matters but I paid for the place cards. We are doing very little decorations (reception is in a banquet setting) and the place cards are a special theme that means a lot to my fiancé and I, so I didn’t think I would need to run it by her as my fiancé helped with the seating chart.

sorry I just needed to vent. Feel free to chime in if you want but part of me feels guilty that I didn’t show her the chart before hand and the other part of me thinks I shouldn’t have to as fiancé did help and financially we’re responsible for that portion.

17 Comments

  • Caytlyn
    Champion November 2019
    Caytlyn Online ·
    You have no reason to feel guilty. She shouldn’t dictate the seating chart and if she had special requests she should have made them more than two weeks before the wedding.
  • A
    Super September 2019
    Anna ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I wish she would have told me ahead of time lol
  • D
    Super July 2020
    D ·
    I think once she's done eating she'll be nowhere near her SIL. I wouldn't worry about it.
    Glad you could cover the bar upgrade! Oops!
  • Samantha
    Expert October 2020
    Samantha Online ·
    Don’t feel guilty at all. You’ve given your family a say and made every reasonable accommodation you can to make them happy, but your family has to meet you halfway. It’s fair that you won’t compromise on certain aspects on your wedding when you’re down to the wire.
  • A
    Super September 2019
    Anna ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Yes very true, and she’s so social she can easily sit at the other table that has her family as well for some of the time. Yes thankfully I had a feeling and brought the money I set aside for HMUA. Had $40 left after everything lol
  • A
    Super September 2019
    Anna ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you very much for explaining that, we really have done our best but unfortunately even if I wanted to I couldn’t.
  • DuttonSandersWedding
    Expert September 2019
    DuttonSandersWedding ·
    If it makes you feel better, once dinner is over people get up and mingle anyway. She will only have to deal with this unpleasant sister in law for a short time.
  • A
    Super September 2019
    Anna ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you, yes you’re right! And there’s other people at the table so she doesn’t have to talk to her lol
  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie Online ·
    She’s an adult. She can manage to sit for dinner for someone she doesn’t care for. Since you and your fiancé didn’t know or think about this dislike ahead of time, I can’t imagine a family feud is about to erupt between the two. If you feel that bad about it, just tell her you feel that way but it’s past the point of changing things. Even though they are being very generous with helping pay for your wedding, it is still your wedding and you don’t need them to approve every little thing.
  • A
    Super September 2019
    Anna ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you, yes I agree and you are right. It’s really not that big of a deal and I did let her know I felt bad and If I could change it I would. We both had no idea about her not liking this woman and I have never met her before so I really didn’t know lol!
  • Naikesha
    Expert September 2020
    Naikesha ·
    Sorry to hear you feel guilty which you shouldn’t due to the face that you didn’t know this information. You stated you never met the lady. It sucks that you are in this situation but don’t allow it to stress you out. Your stepmom seems like she really loves you so she will understand.
  • Andrea
    VIP April 2020
    Andrea ·

    Anna, you seem like such a kind, gracious and accommodating person. I wouldn't feel bad, if I were you. You can't change your seating chart and you shouldn't have to. You did the right thing by saying no.

  • A
    Super September 2019
    Anna ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you, I think she does understand. I just hated seeing the disappointed look on her face and felt like I did something wrong.
  • A
    Super September 2019
    Anna ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you for your sweet and encouraging words. Everyone’s support on here and given me peace of mind, so I thank you all!
  • Suzie
    Dedicated October 2020
    Suzie ·

    Agreeing with PPs that you should not feel guilty! She should have spoken to you about this earlier. Asking the bride to change the seating chart two weeks out is ridiculous. You’ve been accommodating her up until now, and like you said, it was already sent out. She’s an adult, she can play nice for dinner. There will be so much going on that day, it will be a short time anyway!

  • A
    Super September 2019
    Anna ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you, I appreciate that! I wish she did ask beforehand because I would have gladly done it. Even today she’s asking about the guest list and plus ones (which I did give and added in the total). Everything will work out
  • Nicole
    Super September 2020
    Nicole ·

    I wouldn't feel guilty. She's an adult and can have a meal with her sister in law. She doesn't need to be at the table except during dinner anyway.

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