It's been 3 years and no proposal, contemplating moving on?

I made the horrible mistake of waiting 9 years for a man to choose me and let me tell you I would NEVER do it again. I was in a relationship with an older man and we have what I considered to be a loving relationship. After about 2.5-3 years I felt ready to marry! He however felt ready to drag me along for as long as I allowed him. It was a comfortable and familiar situation so he felt no rush to get down the aisle. We settled into a routine life with family and children and the topic would occasionally come up. We winded up breaking up around the 5/6 year mark and this man had the nerve to marry the very next woman he date. That was short lived because less than a year later we were back together and making amends. Around the 8.5 year mark I had to sit him down and tell him I wasn’t going to be his girlfriend for the rest of my life. I told him it’s okay if he didn’t want to marry, but I wanted to be let go so I could find the man who couldn’t stand living without me. Someone who chose me without pressure or resistance. This conversation woke him up to reality and he proposed shortly after. By that time I was bitter, embarrassed that I had been drug along, and really resentful. I accepted the proposal thinking the would wash the feelings away that I had secretly grown. It didn’t! The marriage sadly ended 1 year after it began . He wasn’t not ready to be a husband and I don’t think he ever will be. So my advice is not to rush him but have your own timeline in mind of how long you’re willing to wait for a man to choose you. As I moved into my next relationship I made it know that marriage is the end goal and I’m not interested in dating for multiple decades! I’m in my 30s and don’t need 5 plus year to figure out if you’re my person. Anything longer than 2 years is too long for me these days! I will pack my stuff and go before I ever play housewife without the actual commitment.

View Quoted Comment This makes me feel so much better. I'm approaching the 7 year mark of waiting, and getting discouraged. I know what you mean, the part about not wanting to be married but wanting to be married to him. I totally feel this way.

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View Quoted Comment What a form of emotional abuse. Sad, since aside from that you'll likely divorce him over those same "tears."

View Quoted Comment Wow, you sound like a loser. Marriage isn't about "waiting" nor is it "end game." It's companionship with a possibility of taking assets if you (the women on here don't love these men) walk and leave. Tying worth into a title to show of is crazy...literally.

View Quoted Comment Wow, you sound like a loser. Marriage isn't about "waiting" nor is it "end game." It's companionship with a possibility of taking assets if you (the women on here don't love these men) walk and leave. Tying worth into a title to show of is crazy...literally. You reek of misandry

View Quoted Comment The most sane comment from a female on here. Non misandrist and logical, not emotionally based. I never understood the marriage is end game talk.....like...that alone sounds like a one way ticket to divorce. Ick

View Quoted Comment Wow, you sound like a loser. Marriage isn't about "waiting" nor is it "end game." It's companionship with a possibility of taking assets if you (the women on here don't love these men) walk and leave. Tying worth into a title to show of is crazy...literally.

I’d move on it. He doesn’t see you as someone he wants a future with. People get married with the expectation that they will build a life together. So, those things that he sees as “still working on,” if you were the one, he’d be confident about you doing it together in marriage with you.


That he uses the arguments as an excuse to stall is a major red flag. These success stories from other people posting are ***exceptions***. A man who is enamored with a woman will go after what he wants.
If you want to give it one chance, ask him bluntly: “is it me you are unsure about?”
Like I said though, moving on is probably the best option. Who wants to be married to someone who is so hesitant? My parents married after 8 months. They built their finances, home life, careers, families, *together..* They didn’t have money for an expensive ring. Twenty years later after they’d had some success my dad bought my mom a really nice ring. He was able to do so because of their commitment to each other to grow their lives together. They fought, sometimes very often. It never, ever shook their faith in the partnership though. They were married 45 years.
This guy sounds like he is using you.

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Ultimatums are definitely not the answer. Communicate openly and honestly about why you feel that is important to you and why he feels that it is not. Do not argue with his responses but attempt to see things from his POV, it will give you insight as to his mindset and feelings on the subject. Consider your ups and downs. Are they productive ? Toxic? Frequent? Healthy? Take a serious look at not just him, but you two as a whole. If you think it is healthy and there is not reason that it should not move forward, then consider that maybe the hesitation is his. Realize that does not reflect on you and do not take it personally and become angry or hostile. But be understanding of the fact that both individuals may have very different views of what they want their future to look like. If you truly love him, you will want him to have what he wants ...even if that does not include you. Definitely communicate your needs in a non threatening or "ultimatum" manner. Use "I" statement to convey your needs, dreams, and plans. Use words of affirmation to acknowledge the parts of the relationship that you appreciate and love. Lay things on the table , realizing that it could mean that the answer you get is NOT going to be the one you want. It will be the hardest choice you make, but it will get you on the path that is the right one for you and your future aspirations. If communicated in a healthy way, it will allow him to consider if he is willing to lose what he has with you. If communicated in a toxic way, it may show him that his hesitations are warranted. So tread gently and lovingly.

View Quoted Comment My fiancé would constantly tell me that he’s going to ask me to marry him when the time was right. He would ALWAYS say it was going to happen soon but time came and went. For four years he did this! He told me he knew my ring size. He paid for my fingernails to be done whenever we went on a trip together just to make me think this might be the time! Well, shocker it never happened. The longer the relationship went on the more I realized he looked single to everybody while my social medias were plastered with his face. He even would introduce me as his fiancé at times. My relationship was also a long distance relationship, which made it even worse. We had professional photos done and he never had any of those photos in his house. Needless to say after four years, I finally said goodbye and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever done in my life because I still loved him.. Now I’m happy to say that I am engaged to a wonderful man who loves me dearly and wants a wedding and family as soon as possible and I’m the one actually saying let’s slow down for a minute so I can figure all the wedding plans!!

I'm in the same boat. Only its been almost 3 years. One month from now will be our 3rd anniversary of our 1st date.We had lots of downs, more than ups, but he a l so is waiting for peace and harmony and to hear from God. I cannot rush this although im really pressed for time. I'm 70, and he's 66. I'm at peace with whatever way this turns into. I have a semi firm deadline to see if he is a bit more settled, but my feelings change every few months. ( about leaving him and finding someone who is ready to marry. I have no advice for you, sorry.

View Quoted Comment We can all be in the "3 Year Club"!! Me, too.

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Are you able to bring a counselor in or maybe friends who can share what they see about your situation? Why is there an emphasis on the number of downs?