Issues with future sister in law

No one has a say in your wedding except you, your FS, and anyone contributing $$. Since she is neither, she gets no input. Period.

She doesn’t own all of 2019. It’s not like you’re getting married back to back weekends.

I gotta say, this one is tricky. I had a two year engagement to save up for what we wanted and I'd have been crushed if my brother got engaged after me and then married two months before me. You are entitled to want the wedding you want but you cannot control how she feels about it, only how you react to how she feels about it.

Honestly, if you want the wedding without the drama, my best advice is to push it back. If that's not an option for you for whatever reason, then I'd treat it delicately. However ridiculous it might seem to you, you are marrying into their whole family. Approaching this with grace and compassion will be to your credit.

Something very similar happened to me when I got engaged. Except it's my FHs cousin. She will also have a 2 year engagement and is getting married in May 2019. We got engaged 6 months after her and will be getting married in April of 2019. There was a lot of drama with his family and I was getting so sad over the whole situation. We are getting married 3 weeks apart and I finally had to call the cousin and talk to her. It turns out that there was miscommunication between his family and things sounded worse then they were..after we spoke and cleared everything up his family started to just accept the fact that we are getting married 3 weeks and there weren't any hard feelings. Everybody is happy for us now and it's making wedding planning go much smoother and happy. I would say talk to the sister and let her know your intentions and everything else will work itself out good luck!

I know the feeling. My fiancé and I got engaged in December and my future sister in-law had been engaged for about a year and had been dragging her feet about when they were getting married. Long story short once she found out we got engaged she put together a wedding very quickly because she was afraid that we were going to be married before them. Very childish if you ask me. Little did she know we were not planning on getting married until June 2019 so she played herself.

You should have the wedding you want on the date you want. However, I do understand the feelings. My fiancé’s brother and wife started dating the same time we did and now have already been married for 2 years but yet we are still a year out. I know it shouldn’t be a comparison but I feel like am I not good enough, did I do something wrong. Definitely keep your date and plans and everything, but understand that people are human.

That’s awful! Weddings make people crazy! But you don’t have to make your day about anyone but your and FS. Let him take the lead when dealing with his family and if his sister is a child that’s her problem not yours. I stopped Bending for people sometime ago. It’s good to be considerate but do what you both want not his sister. But pay attention on how his parents treats his sister. It will come through the rest of your life, think about your future kids vs hers if you plan on that. Hopefully this gets better for you.

Don't worry, you're in the right here. My little sister threw a hissy fit when we changed our date from 2020 to fall of 2019 because it's a few months after her college graduation. I mean, to the point that she told me my dress wasn't pretty because it cost $35 (I was proud of myself finding one that far beneath budget). And she has yet to let up, despite my parents telling her to chill the eff out. I feel like every family has that one person that has to have the spotlight all the time. Maybe that's your sister in law.

I don't think your fiance's age has anything to do with it? I probably wouldn't have chose a date prior to her wedding or so close, but also it won't matter and no one will care. The only people affected are your fiance's family. I'm also not sure why the guest list matters? Are they worried about the cost of yours affecting hers?

View Quoted Comment May I ask why you would be crushed?

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Sure, because planning a wedding is exhausting, you need help, so you are asking for everyone to help with two weddings simultaneously and theirs is going to take precedence every single time because it's first. Your wedding shower and everything will be right after hers so everyone will be tapped out financially and emotionally and every thing will be compared to theirs every single time. It will sap all the special out of every event you have for your wedding. Because every family member will be over it by the time they get to yours.

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I definitely see your point of view and I appreciate you sharing. I think it helps that our wedding is in a different state and totally different location/setting (I don’t think I mentioned that in my original post). There is only a small overlap of guests/family, so >80% of the guest list is different. I see little room for comparison although I know that is a worry for my future SIL. And as far as wedding shower, I’m not sure if I’m even having one and if I do, it will be in my hometown (again different state) and probably just local guests, so now overlap of guests at the shower.

She / they chose a long engagement, and to expect no one else in family or close friend's circle to schedule anything before their wedding is simply ridiculous. And of the up to 20% of guests overlap, if your shower is for your very closest female friends and family, and hers is for her very closest, what is the overlap? MOG and maybe grandmother or an aunt? You have different friends, you and FI live a distance away. What does she thing bigger families do, with many kids and many first cousins coming of marriageable age in a few years time? In the April to Dec season when we married in Oct, 5 of then FI or my siblings married (plus us) and 5 of our first cousins who lived within a mile of his or my family growing up, married too. His family Brooklyn, mine N NH, very little overlap except closest family, for wedding guests, or shower, Out of 300-400 wedding guests, any other relatives wedding plus ours, no single one had too much overlap. When parents have several kids, they do not use up all their love on one, and take years before they have room to love another. Same with weddings. People being happy for you takes nothing at all away from their happiness for FSIL and her FI. Aside from our 10 within the family weddings, we had 9 other wedding to attend that spring and summer, 2 days when we were each in different states in different weddings we had committed to before we knew each other. This FSIL is acting like a princess, or a vain actress who cannot share the spotlight for even a minute or a day. In the real world, brides get a couple of individual days, for the shower or two, a few hours each, and for the wedding. It would be unkind to schedule a wedding with a big guest overlap , in the same area, a week apart. But two months. That is being a prima donna, and says unpleasant things about her personality. Don't you feel the least bit sorry. She is the one who is completely out of line.

View Quoted Comment I appreciate your response! May I add she has had 2 friends (one co-worker and another close friend) who got engaged after her and married before her and there seems to be no issue with that, so I’m just sitting her wondering why her brother (who she is not close with) and I are getting special treatment??

It may be that in the close friend and co-worker friend groups, she knows they would all look down on her If she pulled her attention greedy garbage, and they would laugh at her outright. But within the family, being the only princess has always worked. Now big brother brought home you, and she is jockeying for attention. I am guessing there are not a lot of brothers and sisters, and age difference has always given one the spotlight with their group, at once. My therapy aide, a grad student, had us all laughing. She, at 24/FI 32, sent out Saves for the 3rd week in April next spring. And her aunt ( mom has 3 sisters) went ballistic . Yelling on the phone 3 day social media blitz with other aunt, all cousins, grandparents, great aunts god parents, and friends. Her son graduates with a BA the 3rd week in may ( at a school which limits invites to 4 per family) and her daughter's high school graduation is June 21. And Linda's April wedding is a selfish attempt to steal all the attention from Auntie's babies graduations! ( she calls the 17 yr old and 22yo her babies!) Since when did graduations become a sacred family occasion to any but the graduate and immediate family, and classmates? Aunt actually suggested Linda have her wedding at Christmas in 2 months, or in 2019. Why not summer ir fall after graduations? Because her daughter will be matriculating at college in August, and son at Dental School in September. Some people have no sense that they are one small unit in their family, their community, and the greater world. They look in the mirror and see only themselves, with kids on either side. Linda will marry in April. Will Auntie be too busy ironing graduation gowns for May and June to come? I think your SIL only has had this stranglehold on attention in her family, knows others would not put up with it, and sees you as competition brought in from the outside. Her social ( and psychological) issues, not yours , making the possible activities of a handful of people 2 months apart, an issue.

View Quoted Comment LOL. I’m sorry you are having to deal with that! It’s so ridiculous it’s funny. We live in such a privileged world where we focus on all these small insignificant details. It’s so sad! That’s so exciting you have so many happy upcoming family events was my first thought. Too bad not everyone sees it from that point of view.

Yeah, my grandmother has 4 sons and one daughter who lived , past childhood diseases and wars, to have families. 23 grown grand children 14 so far have kids, 52 infant to 14 year old great grandchildren. She looks at a month on the calendar with only 2 major family events, and says,, in her language, "February, it got shortchanged." I want to live with that "embrace life" point of view.

Has your FSIL actually said those things to you or are you hearing them second hand from other family members?

I would have a discussion with her and state while your sorry she feels that way your plans are not going to change. Then stop sharing your plans with her and other family members who would tell her. If she's not in the bridal party your communication regarding your wedding should be her receiving the wedding invite in the mail. If she is not getting information regarding your wedding then she won't have anything to stress over.

I always hate when women think other weddings steal their thunder. Everyone has their day. So petty. I don't think you've done anything wrong and I'd continue planning without any regard to that drama. The only thing the parents might have a reason to be upset over is if they're funding both and it's not feasible financially...I'm assuming if that were the case though you would have had it later. No one will compare it anyway, that's ridiculous.