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Just Said Yes December 2020

Is it really his child???

Charlotte, on December 28, 2019 at 8:26 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 11

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I’m African American and so is my spouse but before we officially meet I saw photos of his children...one is very dark skinned and the other has a fair complexion. I automatically assumed that he had a child by a caucasian woman...come to find out, his children have the same mother (who is also an African American woman with a brown skin tone).
I’ve have SEVERAL people asking me if the “fair complexion” child was my husbands...and when we first started dating he even asked me if I thought the child was his!!! So I know he has doubt too. We’re friends with a biracial couple who has mixed children and the Caucasian wife told me “I didn’t know your husband had a biracial child”...I didn’t say anything and she got the hint and dropped the convo due to us being around other friends at the time.

Other Kids who are my stepson same age are constantly asking both of my stepchildren “why is he so much lighter than you” or “are you mixed” and I can tell it’s definitely affecting my step son. I accept him as my own because my husband accepts him and I’ve tried to explain to both children that it’s okay that they’re different shades...but at the same time I do think the child deserves to know the truth and I feel like matters will only get worse the older he gets and start wondering why his skin color is like a mixed childs, why his hair is straight and not kinky curly like 98% of African Americans, etc. I’ve asked my husband to talk to him and let him know that it’s okay to be light skinned and that African Americans come in all shades (even though he looks exactly like a mixed kid). I feel like I should stay out of this situation because it’s really between my husband, the child, and his biomom but I care for the child. Both kids are like night and day when it comes to their complexion.
I just hate to see a child not know the truth and get questioned on his skin color so often. What if he decided to do ancestry dna and some other man pops up as his father? I feel like my husband would be the blame if the child is 13+ and finds out he wasn’t his father this whole time and he never told him.
What is a concerned stepmom suppose to do? Probably just pray and remain supportive...I just don’t want he** to break loose as these years pass and my stepson become more aware.

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11 Comments

Latest activity by Naikesha, on December 29, 2019 at 10:10 AM

Just Said Yes December 2020
Charlotte · on December 28, 2019 at 8:35 PM
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Btw my stepson is a 8 years old sweetheart!
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Dedicated June 2022
beee · on December 28, 2019 at 8:39 PM
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If your husband is not the father, they may not want to know the truth. I think you should just stay quiet and supportive and let things play out naturally.
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October 2020
Fleur · on December 28, 2019 at 8:48 PM
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I think talking about things openly & positively like you’re doing is awesome. Answer questions the best you can and encourage him to talk to his biological parents anytime he needs to. Love and support anchors kids immensely - hooray for awesome stepparents!
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on December 28, 2019 at 9:01 PM
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You shouldn’t do anything. His kids, his business. At this point, he’s raised him as his own for 8 years. Is your husband the kind of guy that would disown the child after all those years? It’s not a good situation if he turns out not to be your husband’s biological child, but it takes more than DNA to make a family and they’ve already developed a bond.
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Just Said Yes December 2020
Charlotte · on December 28, 2019 at 9:06 PM
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I’m sorry but they’re OUR kids. His children are my children too and their my business as well. I support and raise the children just like he do. Don’t discredit stepparents because that’s not fair for those who step in and help raise children. Of course my husband wouldn’t disown the child and I wouldn’t either...my main concern is with the child’s wellbeing and self esteem about his skin color. I definitely agree...blood doesn’t make you family but it blood isn’t going to build my stepsons self esteem either.
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Beginner August 2018
Kris · on December 28, 2019 at 9:19 PM
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Is It possible that one or both of the parents had a biracial ancestor? Would it be possible to show up generations later?
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Expert April 2019
Allie · on December 28, 2019 at 9:23 PM
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If there is a fair skinned blood relative, within a few generations, the child can be lighter skinned than his parents.
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Master November 2022
Chrysta · on December 28, 2019 at 9:31 PM
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Oh wow. Such a difficult situation. It sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job already. My best advice would be to continue being supportive and to make sure your FH knows that he can speak openly and honestly to you without judgement. I agree that it is important for a child to know their history (especially from a medical standpoint! Soooo important to know any genetic issues that need monitoring). Hopefully your FH will realize that and take the necessary steps. He is lucky to have such a supportive partner for both himself and his son.
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Dedicated April 2020
Ruby · on December 28, 2019 at 11:44 PM
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We don’t know what your husbands or bio moms ancestry are. Genetics are a luck of the draw so it could be that for this child the genes selected from both parents worked out in a way where this child looks biracial and not like his sibling. There are stories of fraternal twins where one appears white and the other appears black.
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/04/race-twins-black-white-biggs/

I think the most important thing is supporting this child and letting him know that African Americans come in all shades and being open to his questions and validating his feelings.
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Champion October 2009
2d Bride · on December 29, 2019 at 12:50 AM
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Most African Americans in this country have some white ancestors. It's one of the shameful parts of history; white fathers had sex with slaves and let their own biracial children be slaves and then Jim Crow considered anyone who was even one-eighth African American as black. And skin color is a complex trait, involving a lot of different genes. A child can be red-headed, even though neither parent is, if some distant ancestor was. Similarly, a child can be very light-skinned, even though neither parent is, because of a distant white ancestor. People who question the parents of the red-headed child, or the light-skinned one, are both cruel and scientifically illiterate.

So no, his being light-skinned doesn't mean your spouse isn't the father. And trying to get at "the truth" just risks making the child feel like he isn't really accepted as part of the family.

You are willing to treat these kids as "our kids," even though they are not biologically yours. If he chooses to treat them as "our kids," even if he has doubts as to his biological paternity, I say more power to him.
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Super September 2020
Naikesha · on December 29, 2019 at 10:10 AM
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Continue to raise your family skin color doesn't matter love does. If we teach kids true history this wouldn't be a question as we are all shades of color.
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