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Emily
Just Said Yes August 2022

Is it okay to not have my sister as Moh?

Emily, on June 14, 2020 at 1:46 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 19
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Is it okay to not have my sister as my maid of honor? She was excited when I told her I got engaged, but hasn’t really cared since then. Any time I talk about wedding stuff (venues, dresses, colors, my fiancé’, etc...) she just brushes it off and says something like “do whatever you want” or “why don’t you just go to the courthouse and get this over with?”. I feel like she has no interest in my wedding or planning at all. Not much has been planned due to Covid-19 wreaking havoc on everything, and I don’t even have a finalized wedding party yet. But I feel like I am obligated to make her my maid of honor because she’s my sister. I also thought about making her a co- maid of honor with my cousin, because my cousin would be great. She is so excited and already has a Pinterest board going with ideas. But I don’t want to upset my sister if I don’t make her my MOH. She had never really been into weddings or the idea of them and she gets really angry and defensive when I try to talk to her about anything about my wedding. She has also told me that she doesn’t have time to help me with anything now because she “has a life” and that “not everything is about me”. But, this is my wedding. I have been with my fiancé for 8 years and we are finally getting married and I am so excited, I just want her and my family to be as well. (Her and my mom share the same ideas) o don’t know what to do, it is my wedding and for once it should be “all about me”, is it bad to think that way? I also know that if I made her my MOH, that I would be doing all her responsibilities as well as my own because she is not good with remembering to do things. I’m just stressed and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

19 Comments

Latest activity by Nicole, on June 15, 2020 at 7:44 PM
  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    I don’t think you’re obligated to have someone be MOH or In your wedding party at all but your solution to have her be co MOH is good
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  • Katlyn
    Devoted December 2021
    Katlyn ·
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    I think it sounds like you need to have a conversation with her. I would tell her how you feel, and if she really has no interest in helping then you will have your cousin be MOH. It doesn't mean she doesn't have to be involved, but lots of the planning stuff won't be her responsibility.

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  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    I only got halfway through what you wrote and immediately my brain says pick your cousin as your maid of honor! She’s already being super proactive about your wedding not that picking a maid of honor is about who can do the most for you but it shows she cares. It just seems like she’s genuinely excited and happy for you. A made of honor should never suggest To just go to the courthouse and get it over with.
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  • Emily
    Just Said Yes August 2022
    Emily ·
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    I’ve talked to her before about it and she pretty much tells me “do what you want. I don’t care.” I told her that I know it’s a lot of responsibility and that I know she doesn’t really care for all the girly wedding stuff, and she told me “then make Amber your MOH, I don’t care! But it’s kinda f’ed up that you wouldn’t make your own sister it. Can’t you just let her do all the work and I still get the title?”
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  • Katlyn
    Devoted December 2021
    Katlyn ·
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    Well apparently she does care if she said that. Personally I don't think it's right that she get the title and not do the work. It isn't fair to whoever does the work. If she wants the title, she needs to suck it up and happily support you and your wedding planning. You could have her be your MOH to start. But if she starts acting not cool about it, I would just tell her that's it I'm calling cousin. Maybe you can give her a chance in this way, maybe she will step up?

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  • Emily
    Just Said Yes August 2022
    Emily ·
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    See? That’s why I’m conflicted. It sounds like she cares and then the next minute she’s snapping at me to do whatever I want and to leave her out of it. At the moment, im leaning more towards co- MOHs (which I hope doesn’t look weird since I only have 4 ladies in my bridal party). That way, her and my cousin can tackle it together and share the responsibilities and help eachother out
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  • Katlyn
    Devoted December 2021
    Katlyn ·
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    I don't think Co-MOH's is weird at all. My fiance has co- Best Men, who are his 2 younger brothers. I think you can definitely have that as a solution.

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  • Shannon
    Dedicated March 2022
    Shannon ·
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    I personally think your sister didn’t consider your feelings when she said those things and it sounds like she doesn’t even want to be MOH- it is your wedding so do what you want
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  • Kayse
    Expert December 2020
    Kayse ·
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    I don't think you should feel obligated to have her as your MOH.

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  • Molly
    Expert August 2021
    Molly ·
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    My sister isn't my MOH. We had a discussion that I needed a friend to be my MOH, mostly due to the fact that my sister and I are complete opposites, so I need someone who has similar interests as me. Your situation sounds similar. Your sister and you are on different planning and engagement levels. However, your cousin seems to be on the same planning and engagement levels as you. Therefore I would go with her. It's your wedding and you should pick people that will help you and not cause you extra stress. It's also not fair for your cousin to do all that work while your sister gets the credit. It might make your sister upset but, she should have considered that before brushing off your attempts to include her in planning.

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  • Emily
    Just Said Yes August 2022
    Emily ·
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    I agree! I want that Pinterest worthy wedding and to be excited to talk about my wedding and planning and someone who will be excited with me. Someone who will willingly talk wedding planning and ideas with me, and who will be there to help me and not cause me more stress and anxiety. And that’s just not my sister. Neither her or my mom are excited that I am getting married. They both brush me off when it comes to anything wedding related and it really upsets me. So I feel like I should pick my cousin even more so because she would be a big help and very supportive. She’s so excited for me and my fiancé. I just wish that the people who are supposed to be the more excited and supportive are not 😞
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  • Molly
    Expert August 2021
    Molly ·
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    It's understandable to want to surround yourself with people who are people supportive. I'm so sorry that your mom and sister are just not the ones who will be filling that role. And who knows, maybe they just are not feeling it with the virus going on. I would pick your cousin as your MOH and make your sister a bridesmaid. Then hope for the best that as your wedding gets closer, they get more excited/involved. However, if they don't, it hopefully won't affect you as much because you made your cousin MOH instead. I feel like you might regret making your sister MOH. Though I saw you were thinking of co-MOH. That might be a good solution as well. Just because she's your sister is not a free pass to your bridal party. Remember at the end of the day, this is your day. Do what makes you happy and peaceful. Smiley heart I'm sure it will be a beautiful wedding!!!

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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2020
    Samantha ·
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    You’re definitely not obligated to make your sister your MOH. Co-MOH’s could be great or just go with your cousin!
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  • J
    Master October 2022
    Jana ·
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    You're not required or obligated to pick anyone, whether they're family or not. Go with whomever is most supportive of you. If that is your best friend instead, then that's your choice and no one has the right to judge.
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  • Jodie
    Expert August 2020
    Jodie ·
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    I have co-MoH but only because my sister lives 10 hours away in a different state and didn't think it was right to have my bestie doing all the work without the recognition. However, in your case I definitely would NOT have your sister as MoH at all since she's made it clear that she isn't interested in being involved (based on what you've written). Being a MoH is an honor which generally comes with additional responsibilities. Based on her comments she doesn't seem interested in doing any of the things, so making her co-MoH is still just giving her the title while she does nothing. I think that's a little rude SMS disrespectful, not only to the cousin, but to you as the bride as well. The MoH should be a sounding board, someone who'll support you, and be there for you. Your sister does not sound willing to fulfill that role and you really don't need that kind of stress and negativity during an already stressful time.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    There is no need to have her in your wedding party, and none to make her MOH. Do what you want.
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  • Renee
    Super June 2020
    Renee ·
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    Nope, nope nope... I got to your cousin, stopped reading and would like you to choose your cousin as your MOH!
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  • Nahnie2552
    Dedicated October 2020
    Nahnie2552 ·
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    I may be the only commenter that says make your sister your MOH. This is my 2nd marriage and I believe it's simply a title of "honor" and respect. When you have a sister it is almost always reserved for her. I'm assuming your sister may not be so girly naturally and is she unmarried? This could be why she's disinterested ... Maybe she's not emotionally excited bc she has her own emotional world to deal with right now. The 'work' she has to do is not that serious. I'm a perfectionist so I rely on myself and couldn't fathom handing anyone 'work' to complete for my wedding without my supervision. Keep the peace and appoint your sister out of love and respect.
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  • Nicole
    Super October 2021
    Nicole ·
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    Your maid of honor should be someone that helps alleviate stress the day of the wedding. Unfortunately, not everyone is as excited about weddings and its hard to expect her to help you plan your wedding. I occasionally ask my girls for their opinions on things but no one has helped me plan because i enjoy doing all of it myself. I am worried about the "not everything is about you" comment though. On your wedding day it literally should be only about you and your fiance and so for that fear i wouldn't ask her to be maid of honor. I would have her be a bridesmaid and ask your cousin.

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