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Savvy June 2020

Inviting my family could lead to me being involuntarily committed to a psych hospital m. Do i do it anyway?

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Bri, on July 21, 2019 at 8:30 AM

Backstory: I’m engaged to a legally married man. We’re polyamorous and he’s not leaving his wife. I’ll just be his unofficial wife. My family not only doesn’t support it, but believes my polyamory is a manifestation of my mental illness. I’m moving closer to my fiancé, and they threatened to have me involuntarily committed to a psych hospital because they believe it’s irresponsible and a “manic episode” (I don’t have mania). They said I cannot express that I’m serious about moving, and if I do move, I cannot express the intention to stay there. Otherwise I’m now amissing person with a mental illness.

Because I have an extensive psych record, all they have to do is report me to the police as being incapable of making sound decisions and off to the ward I go until the courts let me out. One time they wanted me to visit them and I said I was busy, so my mom told the police I was suicidal and the cops were at my partner’s door. Only reason I didn’t get committed was because I had text evidence of her intentions. They threaten to call the police if I leave the house after 9pm, if I don’t come home when they want me to, if I go somewhere they don’t want me to, and they’ve even done it because I announced I was going to college. I’m 24 and sane enough that someone wants to spend the rest of their life with me 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

For the reasons above, they don’t know I’m engaged. I want to invite my sister and her long term boyfriend, but I feel like I can’t without also inviting my parents. It’s not a matter of “they just won’t go if they don’t like it” - it’s a matter of my freedom and my rights. They genuinely feel that because I live with a mental illness, I am not a true adult. Oftentimes, the police won’t listen to what someone says once someone calls and says they’re mentally incapable of thinking soundly.

I know I can’t let them know about the commitment ceremony until after I move in September. But I’m really torn. I’d love for my sister and her man to be there, and she’d for sure want to be there. But my parents knowing about it is so risky, and she lives with them.

im 11 months away from the affair, but was told to start picking my wedding party now. What do? 😭😭😭

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28 Comments

Master October 2017
karen · on July 21, 2019 at 11:57 AM
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If he lost benefits, did his wife gain?
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Savvy June 2020
Bri · on July 21, 2019 at 1:09 PM
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No. They both lost their health insurance coverage, and because of their combined income they make too much for Medicaid but too little to afford marketplace health insurance. They also got a much lower tax refund than what they’re used to, and my fiancé had his hours cut because “now that he’s married, he’s a 2 income household and surely he doesn’t need all those hours.” He days as much as he’s glad he has us for the rest of his life, legal marriage was a mistake. But he’s making the best of it
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Devoted October 2019
Becca · on July 21, 2019 at 3:36 PM
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I would definitely seek out a lawyer who is experienced in working with orders of protection and mental health cases. I would also completely cut them out if possible once you move. New phone number, new address they don't have, everything. If your dad is tracking phones you need to get away from that level of toxicity. Encourage your sister to get ASAP as well. They will continue to have power as long as she needs them.
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VIP September 2019
Yam · on July 21, 2019 at 3:48 PM
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You also should get a lawyer, you can prove you’re sane. You have texts from your toxic family trying to have you commited for not doing what they want. You have proof they use suicide watch as an excuse that you need to be commited. Document everything and get something in writing from your mental health worker. You’re 24, too damn old to be controlled like a child.

I know this is a sore subject because not a lot of people understand polyamory but make sure that once you have your commitment ceremony and you move that you have someone you can fall back on. You won’t have any legal rights if things go sour. One of my best friends was in a simple scenario, she had to move back in with her parents because her name wasn’t on the house, ect. Talk to your SO about this and make sure you’re both protected, also have some tougher conversations such as “next of kin” rights for hospitals and such.

I wish you luck and hope your sister can be there!
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Expert October 2019
Heather · on July 21, 2019 at 3:51 PM
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You’re an adult and your parents are toxic. I would suggest changing your phone number and cutting them off. They can’t track your number if they don’t have it. As for communicating with your sister, if you’re afraid your parents will get your new number from her, just communicate with her through Facebook. You can video chat through messenger or voice call through there as well.
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on July 21, 2019 at 4:24 PM
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First, you don't need a wedding party at all, and you don't need to pick it now if you choose to have one. Second, your health and safety need to be your first priority. If that means that you don't tell your parents, then don't tell your parents. If that means that you don't tell your sister, then don't tell your sister. At the very least, hold off for a good long while. You have almost a year; there's no reason she needs to know about your plans now.
Are you working with a therapist (or more) about all of this? It's a lot. I hope you have the support you need in navigating all of this. On top of the major social issues around polyamory, you have some serious family issues and mental health struggles as well. Have you made your partner your legal next of kin? I would think that would be an important step in untangling your parents from your social life and dismantling their ability to threaten your freedom and restrict your movements.
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VIP June 2019
MIWM · on July 21, 2019 at 7:22 PM
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Sounds like you need to seek some help big time. This all sounds wrong.
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Super December 2021
Casey · on July 21, 2019 at 9:24 PM
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I agree with an order of protection and talking to your counselor. You said it would be hard because your therapist couldn't help but I think you mean couldn't help convince your father which isn't important. They can help by verifying your stability and ability to care for yourself and a willingness to attest to such!
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