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Invited to the shower and bachelorette party but not wedding

Sarah, on April 6, 2022 at 11:21 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 13
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My best friend has another best friend who's getting married. She wanted to involve me with her friends, and I wanted to because they're great people who I want in my life. I met her best friend last year, and we got along great. Her wedding is coming up this summer, and she invited me to her bachelorette party. I was stoked, and really looking forward to it. I assumed I was also invited to the wedding, and she didn't clarify when she asked me to the party. The wedding guest list has already been made, but another girl was invited to the party the same day I was, and also invited to the wedding. A couple of weeks after inviting me to the bachelorette party, she mailed an invitation to her wedding shower, which is later this month. It all made me feel like I was invited to the bachelorette to help lower costs between everyone, since they're all splitting payments, and also made me feel like I was invited to the shower for gifts.
I brought up my feelings to my best friend, who then told me that wasn't the case, that her wedding guest list is so full, her friend had to cut some people. But the other girl who was invited to the bachelorette party the same day I was got invited to the wedding. I think my feelings are validated, but at the same time, I feel I'm overthinking things.
My best friend offered to talk to her, but I said it's okay. I eventually made plans to travel that weekend after I was told I wasn't invited to the wedding. I still want to go to the bachelorette party, because it feels more like a girl's vacation, but I feel weird for going to the shower when I wasn't invited to the wedding. I'm not sure what I should do.

13 Comments

Latest activity by buddyandbebes, on May 20, 2022 at 7:48 AM
  • Janet
    Expert October 2018
    Janet ·
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    I would personally decline both. It's rude in my circle (and a lot of others) to ask non invited wedding guests to attend pre-wedding functions where you have to spend money and give a gift. You're good enough to spend money on her but not good enough to be invited to the wedding.

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  • Kelly
    Rockstar October 2023
    Kelly ·
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    I agree, this is rude. Pre wedding activities are for people invited to the wedding. This seems gift grabby to me.

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  • Orianna
    Devoted December 2022
    Orianna ·
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    I agree with Janet and Kelly. I would never invite someone to my shower and/or bachelorette who wasn't also invited to the wedding. It absolutely feels like she just wants you there to get a gift/split the cost of the trip. I have always been under the impression that the wedding shower was only for the women (or whomever you want there) who are invited to the actual wedding. Traditionally it was all the women invited to the wedding, though that has shifted slightly in recent years to whatever wedding guests you want to include.

    Inviting you to these things but not the wedding seems very rude and very much like she's just hoping for a nice gift and a cheaper trip.

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  • Stacey
    Super May 2021
    Stacey ·
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    Your feelings are completely valid. It is incredibly rude to invite you to celebrate pre-wedding activities (including a gift-giving event - tacky!!), but not to the actual wedding. I would personally decline both with no hard feelings.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    That’s so rude. No, I would decline both.

    People who are invited to pre-wedding events must be invited to the wedding. Why would you ask people to come celebrate something they aren’t invited to? The exception is work and church showers, where in certain communities this is normal.

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Your feelings are valid. Decline both invitations and meet them for coffee at another time if you choose. The only time that one should attend a shower without an invitation to the wedding is when coworkers or a house of worship or a book club type group (anything related to a shared hobby) you belong to decided to host one
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  • E
    Devoted August 2022
    Emily ·
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    That's so rude and tacky. She's just using you for her own benefit. I feel so bad that you're in this situation. I definitely would decline the invitations and potentially end the friendship.

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  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
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    I would absolutely decline both. You are being used. It is incredibly tacky and inappropriate to invite someone to a shower or bachelorette but not the wedding

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  • C
    Super December 2021
    Casey ·
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    Just tossing another vote into the "decline both" bucket. This is definitely rude and tacky. Especially the shower. Skip the bachelorette and enjoy whatever it would've cost you doing something with true friends
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  • Sarah
    Super September 2022
    Sarah ·
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    Definitely rude… Like what?! Invite you to the bachelorette and the shower but not the wedding ? Who does that … I would decline both if I were you.
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  • B
    Devoted June 2023
    bevbabe ·
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    That is so incredibly rude. She wants gifts and for you to help celebrate her wedding when you aren't even invited.

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  • Amanda
    Devoted April 2022
    Amanda ·
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    This seems rude and inconsiderate. I would decline going if she's not even inviting you to the wedding.

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  • buddyandbebes
    Dedicated August 2023
    buddyandbebes ·
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    This happened to me and few other women. We were all invited to the bachelorette party and all were invited to the shower. We went to both. It was after we found out we weren’t invited to the wedding. If I would have known I still would have gone to the bachelorette, but not spent the money and time for the gift for the shower.


    The plot twist? They ended up calling off the wedding like two weeks before.
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