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K
Just Said Yes May 2018

Invited to Bachelorette Party not Wedding

K, on January 11, 2018 at 4:42 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 20
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I’m looking for a little advice regarding an aquaintance’s wedding. For some background, she and I live in the same city now post grad and were in the same larger group of friends in college. I wouldn’t really say we are friends more like we hangout with the same people. Her wedding is in May and a couple months back she (not a MoH but her directly) invited me to her bachelorette party. I was honestly surprised because we aren’t that close, honestly I think she needed to pad the list with more female friends. It is a long weekend in New Orleans (flying distance from us) with a bunch of my friends from college so I agreed to go because it sounds like fun.

I guess I assumed from that point that I would be invited to the wedding (again, I know we aren’t close but I just assumed). Well now it looks like I’m not invited to the wedding, and am probably the only one out of 13 attending the bachelorette party that is not invited. Again we’re not close and I understand weddings are expensive, but I guess I feel really awkward about it? I know it is different than inviting someone to a shower, expecting a gift, then not inviting to the wedding.


I already paid my portion of the rental home, so I guess I’m going to go, but it just seems so weird to be the only one not going to the wedding. I understand when she invited me there’s no not awkward way to say “oh by the way you’re not invited to the actual event” but this still just feels so weird. Like I’m going to be there with everyone talking about the upcoming event and be the odd one out. Has anyone else been in this situation? What do you think of it?

20 Comments

Latest activity by Melissa, on July 19, 2021 at 7:00 PM
  • FutureMrsKC
    Master January 2019
    FutureMrsKC ·
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    I wouldn't go. If you know hands down you weren't invited to the wedding I don't see the point in celebrating her being the bachelorette. More likely than not, its awkward for her too, and pity invites suck but because you were in that friend group she probably felt obligated to invite you. Petty as it sounds, I'd still not go, even if I paid my portion of the house. I'd rather save myself the awkward weekend of wedding talk and be out some money than go. Her friends most likely know you aren't invited too and they might try to limit wedding talk around you (which sounds impossible at this type of event.)

    I'd still skip it.

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  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
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    How do you know you're not invited to the wedding?
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  • Mrs. Fall Bride
    Master October 2016
    Mrs. Fall Bride ·
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    Ugh that's so gross. It's actually not at all different than inviting a non-wedding guest to a shower, it's just as rude as that. A bachelorette, like a shower, is a pre-wedding celebratory event, and it's very rude to ask someone to come celebrate a thing that they're not invited to. It really sucks that you already paid for it, if it were me, I wouldn't be going. Like you said, everyone is going to be talking about the wedding, and that's so awkward, and just plain hurtful. Sorry you were put in that position.

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  • K
    Just Said Yes May 2018
    K ·
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    She sent out Save the Dates a few weeks ago in December and I did not receive one. I would question getting lost in the mail or something but she doesn’t have my address and didn’t ask for it. Meanwhile the planning for the bachelorette party started in October before I had an idea of not being invited.
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  • EngineerInLove
    VIP September 2018
    EngineerInLove ·
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    Ugh, I can't understand the thinking that someone is good enough to go to the bachelorette and bring down the price for everyone, but not worth inviting to the wedding. I would probably ask her if your invitation got lost in the mail since that IS a legitimate concern, it happens all the time.
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  • K
    Just Said Yes May 2018
    K ·
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    Thank you I appreciate the response. I guess I assumed in the first place I would be invited because why would you do a “pity invite” or “pad the guest list” for something like you’re own bachelorette party. Seems ridiculous to me.
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  • Candace
    Expert April 2018
    Candace ·
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    If she invited you personally to the bachelorette party I'd simply ask "hey, I noticed the save the dates were sent out, food
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  • Candace
    Expert April 2018
    Candace ·
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    Sorry, glitch! "Did mine get lost in the mail?"
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  • FutureMrsKC
    Master January 2019
    FutureMrsKC ·
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    It's definitely rude but unfortunately not all brides see that clearly and she probably thought you'd love to come and not give too much thought about your feelings. I'd save yourself the awkwardness and skip it all together.

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  • BlueHenBride
    Master March 2017
    BlueHenBride ·
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    Agreed with MFB: a bachelorette party is a pre-wedding event, just like a shower is, and it's rude to invite people to pre-wedding events who aren't also invited to the wedding. You're completely right to feel weird about this and you're not wrong to think an invitation to the bachelorette party means you should expect to get a wedding invitation.

    You mention the couple only just sent out their STDs recently. The think with STDs is it's okay to send them to just a portion of the wedding guest list (guests who need to make travel arrangements and guests who are really close to the couple, such as family and closest friends). It's true that anyone who receives a STD must receive a wedding invitation, but not everyone invited to the wedding needs to get a STD. There's a very real possibility they chose not to send every single person a STD. You mentioned that you're local (live in the same city as the bride). Since you would not have to travel (are they getting married locally?), and you admit that you're not all that close, they may still be invited to the wedding and just weren't on the list of people who needed a STD.
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  • Katie
    Expert July 2018
    Katie ·
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    Agree with above. STDs don't go to everyone. Generally VIPs and OOT guests. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that you're not invited, unless literally everyone got a STD, even those living in the same city.
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  • Jordan
    Dedicated June 2018
    Jordan ·
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    That's really strange and it does sound like she's just filling space by inviting you. I would only go if there were other people invited to the bachelorette that weren't invited to wedding. Unless you're totally cool with the situation and just want to get away. could be a fun time anyway!

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  • K
    Just Said Yes May 2018
    K ·
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    Thank you for the info about STDs I did not know that! I do live in the same city as the bride, but the wedding is about 4 hours away from our city. I assumed they sent STDs to everyone but I suppose I could be wrong. All of our college friends live out of state, and did receive STDs, so I don't really have anyone to check with. I would just really like to know one way or the other, like I said we aren't close and I won't be offended. I just don't want to directly ask the bride though and make it awkward.

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  • BlueHenBride
    Master March 2017
    BlueHenBride ·
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    That's odd that you would need to travel 4 hours and everyone in your mutual circle got them. Do they have further to travel and would have to fly for the wedding?

    It's still possible you just didn't make the cut for STDs and will be invited to the wedding, but I don't know. I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable about this; I would be uncomfortable, too.
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  • K
    Just Said Yes May 2018
    K ·
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    You make a good point that I wasn't actually thinking about before. Two of the girls living out of state, that received STDs, actually live closer to the wedding location than myself and the bride. I'm either not invited or a second tier invite.

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  • BlueHenBride
    Master March 2017
    BlueHenBride ·
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    Oh I didn't mean to insinuate that you're a second tier invite if the situation is that you're on the guest list, but not the STD list. If she does that right, she would send you a wedding invitation at the very same time she sends the invitations of those who did get STDs. I think a second tier invite is more like a b-listing situation where a couple will send out a first round of wedding invitations to their A-list, then as they receive declines, start sending out additional invitations to people on their B-list (which is extremely wrong to do).

    Though, it sounds like she handled the STDs poorly, if you are on their guest list. I think it's important to stop and think about whether you're sending them to part of a friend group, unless it's a situation wherea a couple members of a particular friend group are OOT and have a far way to travel and the other mutual friends don't have to travel at all. The more you share about this situation, though, the more it's becoming clear that the bride either messed up with the STDs and didn't think about this or didn't mess this up, but messed up big by not putting you on her wedding guest list after inviting you to her bachelorette party.
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  • K squared
    Super October 2017
    K squared ·
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    I would be that person who makes it awkward and ask where my invite was. . If you're going to be so rude as to invite me to your bachelorette without inviting me to your wedding than I'm going to make you spell it out about how rude you are. I definitely wouldn't go either. You're going to be on the hook once you're there for throwing more money at the bride. I wouldn't be able to do that knowing I was only invited for that sole purpose. Plus, when people go to pre-wedding events for weddings they're not invited to they play a part in allowing this rude behavior to continue. If you attend then the bride thinks it's ok and advises other brides to be that it's ok to invite people to pre-wedding parties and not invite them to the wedding because she did it and nobody was offended and everyone had a super fun time.
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  • T
    Tess ·
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    I have been in a similar situation. I was invited to a bridal shower. The invitationi included a list of gift suggestions and requested that guests inform MoH in advance of gift being given. Invitation also included amount guests must pay and instructions on how to send e-payments to MoH. I personally received a separate text the same day telling me that Iam not invjted to wedding, worded in the nicest way possible. I thought I was close to the bride, so I was crushed to realize thst she did not consider me a close friend. I declined the invitation and feel embarrassed and hurt. Life goes on.
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  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Wow. That's so rude. Says so much more about them but you.

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  • M
    Dedicated September 2021
    Melissa ·
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    If you know for a fact that you aren’t invited to the wedding, then it would be totally fine to skip out on the bachelorette regardless of if you’ve paid already. Maybe I’m being petty (very well could be), but I even think it would be fine to ask for your $ back since you agreed to go thinking you we’re actually invited to the wedding, and if you are the only one not invited then that’s a very unfair situation for you. If that causes the prices to go up for everyone else- well no offense but I feel like that’s not on you.


    UNLESS you would like an excuse for a vacation with old friends and don’t think you’ll mind too much Smiley smile
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