Invited to a shower but the couple is not registered. Do i give cash at shower plus wedding or only at wedding?

A shower is traditionally about practical gifts. Gifts are obligatory since that is the entire purpose of the event. Personally, I would not give money at a shower regardless of what the intent may be. The lack of a registry does not or should not mean the couple is asking for money. If it does, that’s really inappropriate. Even cash for a wedding gift is considered crass and impersonal by conventional etiquette standards with the exception of cultures where it is customary.


Just buy from a store or online site that is easy for them to return if necessary. People are always free to buy off registry. I’ve been to showers where there was none and all it meant was that the couple themselves was not thinking about gifts. For generations people managed to shop without benefit of a wish list. I wouldn’t worry.

I would maybe reach out to the person hosting the shower. Hopefully they will have more insight on this. Maybe the bride doesn’t want gifts at all? Or maybe she is just leaving it up to the guests’ discretion to pick something out?

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I had a friend ask her and she said it's because she already has a house and doesn't need anything. So does that mean I don't bring anything? Or does it mean she wants money? I've never encountered this before.

If the bride said she already has everything she needs, then I would take that as an indication that she does not expect presents. There is a reason you have never encountered this before – it’s because it is really improper, and confusing to guests. The purpose of a shower is to “shower” the bride (or couple) with gifts for their home. If the bride and groom already have everything they need for the home, they really shouldn’t be having a shower.
If you want to make absolute sure, I would reach out to the host of the shower. The host should know all the details, including the registry (or lack there of). Otherwise, if you really want to gift something, you could simply buy something you know she will enjoy, or (since it sounds like she does not want physical items), You could get them a gift card to their favorite restaurant for a date night.

View Quoted Comment As mentioned, showers are by definition about gifts so again, yes, you should bring something. Whether or not she’s hinting for cash, and hopefully that is not the case, is beside the point.


I agree that if she had no need for anything she should have either turned down a shower or if it’s just the party she wants, hosted a bridal tea in honor of her close family and friends. Just get her something that anyone can use or use more of. That shouldn’t be so difficult.

I recently had my bridal shower and did not create a registry. I had only ever been to one bridal shower before my own and that bride didn't have a registry either. I received Victoria's Secret gift cards, a few lingerie type items, spa gift card, a card game to play with my future husband, etc. Etsy has a LOT of cute ideas for bridal shower gifts as well. Hope this helps a bit!

A shower is for physical gifts only. Those gifts are for the couple jointly. Lingerie items are not for a shower because they are for the bride only, just as when the couple puts something on the registry that only one person will use and it will collect dust for the other. Gift cards, cash, experiences, etc are not physical gifts and don’t fit the criteria for shower gifts. If they decide not to make a registry, the bride needs to decline the shower. If that doesn’t happen, then you decline the invitation because the entire thing is a faux pas. Gift whatever you would at the wedding. Not everyone gives cash gifts even at the wedding day, and some social circles find it offensive, so don’t automatically assume that is the only universal option for wedding day gifts.

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"If they decide not to make a registry, the bride needs to decline the shower. "

While it's always tacky to register for or ask for gift cards or cash gifts and while, as you imply these were not and are not a traditional shower or wedding gift in some circles, it is not now nor has it ever been true that the bride has to register for a shower or should forgo having one.

Again, traditionally registries were considered in bad taste because you don't impose to tell people what they should give you. When they became increasingly popular, more liberal etiquette sources jumped on the registry bandwagon. But the only reason registries are seen as acceptable even now is that the couple doesn't advertise them, and guests have to search for them. The polite fiction is that it's not a wish list, it's a convenient way for the couple to keep track of what they are collecting. These days most people have dropped most of that pretense but to suggest it's a burden for people to be invited to a shower without a registry is false.

What is true is that if the bride/couple are in need of or want for nothing then they don't have to/shouldn't accept a shower. It has nothing to do with having a registry, though. There are still a few brides left who would rather feel grateful and surprised by anything their loved ones may be moved to give. I know it's hard to imagine these days.

I d buy something small like a picture frame or a vase and add a gift card to like home goods or amazon. I would not give straight cash at a shower. The whole point of a shower is to shower the bride with gifts.