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Invited as a +1 to a destination wedding and the couple has uninvited me due to numbers

Yogi, on December 21, 2024 at 6:53 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 7

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I've been dating my bf for 3 years, living together for 6 months. His cousin(who I haven't met) is getting married in another country and has invited the whole family. My bf received an invitation including a +1, and promptly RSVPd before the deadline, ensuring my name was included on the RSVP. We booked plane tickets, a hotel, and booked off work for the occasion. The bride's dad has just informed my bf that they invited more people than they are able to accomodate so they're uninviting some of the guests, myself included. My bf and his family are livid and think it's extremely tacky to do so, especially considering it's a destination wedding. While I am quite miffed about it all, I don't know the couple and the location is somewhere I travel to often and know I will have a great time even if I don't attend. My bf is adamant on not attending the wedding while still enjoying our holiday together. Luckily our accommodation is not at the resort where the wedding is taking place. The only caveat is that his aging grandma with dementia will be heartbroken he's not attending and he's feeling extreme guilt over that. I told him she might not be around much longer and he should go to the ceremony but skip the reception, rehearsal dinner and welcome party/other events, but he's torn because he feels it's disrespecful to me and he doesn't wanna go without me. Another detail is that the groom plays for a well known professional sports team and is pretty sure most of his guests and their +1s will not be uninvited, only the people low on the social totem pole like myself.
Any advice? Opinions? Similar experiences?

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7 Comments

Latest activity by Ashlynn, on January 7, 2025 at 5:14 AM

Beginner July 2025
D H · on December 22, 2024 at 10:26 PM
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Ouch that hurts. Is there a ceremony at a church that you can both attend, then he can go to cocktail hour and skip reception...although showing up and leaving early us always an option. That's a difficult position to be in for both of you. Sorry you are having to go through it
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Super December 2022
LM · on December 29, 2024 at 7:17 AM
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Honestly, I'd ask the groom if the disinvite is correct. Isn't the grooms side also paying for this international wedding and the groom has a say along with the bride? What bad budget planning and bad etiquette. Live-in partners should always be invited together. Guests travelling internationally should get a +1 because who travels alone? While I don't think you're "low on the social totem pole" you are indeed extended family and not everyone can be invited to every wedding. Weddings aren't equivalent to family reunions. The groom's colleagues should be invited because that is the couple's professional and social future.
Per D H's suggestion, you could crash the ceremony, but that would make the wedding about seeing the grandma, and not about the couple. I personally don't think rudeness should be countered with further rudeness, so if it was me, I would decline the wedding entirely. It may be best to follow your partner's lead in deciding how to handle his family and not press it with outside guilt about the grandma. Make alternative plans to see her. Sorry you will incur travel fees with changes.
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Yogi · on January 4, 2025 at 11:23 PM
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It has been made clear by the couple that I'm not invited. I agree, rudeness should not be met with rudeness, and therefore I will not be attending any of the events, including the ceremony. I completely understand the need to invite certain colleagues, it just feels bad to be officially uninvited after making all these plans, and I just feel awkward about being a new member of the extended family who is deliberately being excluded after the fact, because I'm new and they made a mistake. He visita his grandma frequently so I would prefer he doesn't attend any of the events and see her any other time, but I will leave it up to him and I won't make a fuss of it. They will certainly not be invited to our wedding or any of our special events in the future, which is also a bummer because he considers them close family. Thanks for your input.
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Yogi · on January 4, 2025 at 11:28 PM
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It's not a religious ceremony, and even if it was I'm not interested in going as a guest who was originally invited and then disinvited. I'm sad because I'm a new member of the extended family and it feels like they don't have an interest in getting to know me. I will plan something else for me to do.
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Master October 2023
Michael · on January 4, 2025 at 11:55 PM
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I do not think it will make a big influence by avoiding the wedding events. If you both are going to be there on holiday, then let him go for his family. If you don't want to return rudeness, he should attend gracefully. It was better to react with the original invite instead of after responding. Of course if he would be angry or aloof at the events, he probably should not attend them. If the couple is not generally rude, try to be forgiving rather than returning rudeness. Invite them to your events if they would be within the circle of relatives you would include.
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Yogi · on January 7, 2025 at 12:19 AM
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My boyfriend has decided he will not be attending at all. We will enjoy our holiday and spend time with Grandma when we can.
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