Invite etiquette, inviting people in stages?

Having a b-list is often considered rude. However, it depends on the people. For instance, I had gotten engaged right before starting grad school. There are only 7 of us in our year and we grew very close very quickly, but our guest list just couldn't accommodate them all and their SOs. However, after I started getting declines, I was able to invite them. I was honest and said I had wanted to invite them, but couldn't until now. None of them were offended and they said how sweet it was that I wanted them there and those who are able to come gladly accepted. Now, that is not to say that all people will be this understanding. We all happen to be working towards becoming psychologists, so the empathy/understanding kind of comes with the territory lol. You know your friends/family best. I would suggest writing out all the people you would possibly want. It's a lot easier to start with that number and subtract if necessary. Come up with the general number and a budget and then look for venues. Once you find the venue and have an idea of PP cost, you can start cutting to fit that. I am not having a destination wedding, so I can't speak to that aspect.

A "b list" is considered rude to most people. But take into consideration the 20% rule when trying to determine the guest count. About 20% of your total guest count will decline/not show up.

Yes, people do it, but no, they shouldn't. B listing is incredibly rude. Someone is important enough to come to your wedding or they're not. That's it.

I think it's not rude to have a B list. Some venues and caterers have minimum amounts you need to buy/spend to keep contract so if you need a certain amount of food ect to have your wedding having back up is a good idea.
Do you tell them they're B listed? No. I think specificing someone is the back up is rude but it's not rude to cover your own rear.

We didn't do this, I personally think it's rude and B list guests know what you are doing (they get the invite so much later than everyone else). For us it was more important to have more guests than anything else (at least invite everyone we wanted so no one was excluded) so we planned on things like open beer & wine only, mini desserts not a cake, etc. Our count is 120 (we planned on 150) so we are getting to splurge again!

Ours is "destination" for most our guests. Everyone we invited lives at least an hour from the venue, more than half are out of state. We invited 225 (including all kids & SOs) and 120 are coming!

I personally did a B list and some think it's rude but consider this - would you rather be invited late or not at all?

my B list was also mostly for my mother in law who i limited her to 60 guests and so whomever had declined were spots for her guests she had wanted but i didn't allot space for.

i think it's also all in how you word it - if you say, we really wanted to have you there but just didn't have space, but now the space is open and would love if you were. that's sort of how i told her to go about it since she really didn't have any space due to my restriction

A B-list is definitely rude and in my experience people always find out that they got invitations much later than others. I would suggest planning your guest list first, then using your agreed on budget to figure out exactly what type of wedding you can have with the amount of ppl and money you have allotted.

Hi Everyone, I'm sorry for not getting back to this for so long! I didn't even know I had so many responses, I wasn't getting notifications and emails went to spam.

I appreciate everyone's input, it's about what I expected. It's not that I don't think b-listing people is rude, I do think it's rude, I just didn't see how were were going to be able to control headcount without doing it. In my particular situation, we are getting married in Costa Rica at a private estate and the capacity is 100 people. It's a big financial commitment for us and those who attend (being a destination wedding). Our plan is to send out invites to our 100 guests and if some say no, then we will send out a second round of invites to fill those spots. I highly doubt it will come to the second round as we want to keep this quite intimate with only family and closest friends.

I actually have a friend who rented out a house and invited 300 people to her wedding, expecting only 150 to show up and 230 did! The venue had a capacity of 150, so she really found herself in a predicament. It was a mess. Those numbers are way off from the 20% rule, so I think it was a big risk to do that in the first place.

Agree, B list is rude. I would also add to leave some "cushion" in case you find out a guest is now engaged and you have to add someone. Also, do not forget you should invite vendors who will be there all day (you may get a cheaper meal for them, but they may have to be included in head count).