J
Just Said Yes March 2020

Invitations/family Drama

Jacky, on November 20, 2019 at 11:38 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 20
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Y'all. . . .i just. . .

Let's start from the beginning. My father and i haven't kept contact in a while. He re-entered my life about two years ago and things were ok. He came to my college graduation party last spring and decided that would be a great time to call the whole family to the table (3 aunts and 2 uncles and my grandma) to tell me that I was fat and ugly and that it's not okay for me to "look like that" (referring to my weight gain). No one said a word. My mom said "listen to your dad". The only people that stood up for me were my cousins and my siblings. That experience left a bad taste in my mouth and I honestly don't want a repeat of that event. At my graduation (I'm the first and only family member to ever graduate from college) all they could talk about was my weight gain, imagine a wedding. On top of all that, they had an issue with my fiance because of his race although they claim they're not racist. My mom says I have to invite family because they're family. . . but we don't even talk? She even told me to send an invitation anyway because they probably wouldn't come. Has anyone dealt with this before? I don't even know how to reason with her anymore. It's caused more stress than it's worth. Should I just send wedding announcements after?

20 Comments

  • Vannesa
    Devoted October 2021
    Vannesa ·
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    Are your parents paying for any of your wedding?

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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
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    First, I'm so sorry that your family has treated you this way. There is absolutely no reason you should have to invite people like that to your wedding. Some people think family gives you some kind of rights, but it doesn't. Toxic is toxic and you deserve a wedding where the people attending love you and your fiancé. I wouldn't bother even speaking with your mother about the wedding anymore. Plan the wedding you and your FH want to have and everyone else can get over it.

    Congratulations on your graduation from college and your engagement, your wedding is going to be beautiful no matter what! Smiley heart

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  • Destiny
    Rockstar May 2020
    Destiny ·
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    I wouldnt invite them, dont invite peoplenwho dont respect you or your relationship. In my opinion they dont even deserve announcements
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  • J
    Just Said Yes March 2020
    Jacky ·
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    My mom paid for my dress and veil, but she is not paying for anything else. I haven't heard from my dad since the day of my graduation.

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  • Kathryn
    Devoted April 2020
    Kathryn ·
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    Phew. I was also dealing with crap from my bio dad - he left my mom and divorced her to marry the woman he had been having an affair with in a private ceremony that the kids were not invited to and she was a disney step-mom until she figured out kids and I MIGHT still be bitter about that trauma from when I was a teenager and he also never told us he was dating her until he was marrying her in a ceremony just them two weeks from his announcemeng that my mom had to force out of him and THEN console three devastated and confused kids while he booked it....


    Yeah, she did handle that like a champ. Oh and all this was juuuuust two months after the divorce when we were processing that!
    Ooooh oh oh! And when my FH and I moved in together without being engaged or married, he lost his conservative mind and was about ready to disown me. For living with a man that I love and had been seeing for over a year. So yeah, when marriage came up I was less than thrilled with the thought of him being there and given the father duties. I almost went with my stepdad.
    Thankfully, we hashed some things out and he came around to realizing this is my life and I'm going to live it like I want. So I am including him, but only because I want to and because we have somewhat patched our relationship. If your future spouse is anything like my FH, they'll say the decision is up to you, and then you need to do some soul searching. It'll be your call whether you want to deal with him or not, but you really only deserve to have the people there who love you and support you.
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  • Vannesa
    Devoted October 2021
    Vannesa ·
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    Then in all honesty they shouldn't get a say in who is invited and who isn't.

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  • Ivy ORP
    VIP October 2019
    Ivy ORP ·
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    Literally every word of this. I'm so sorry that the people in your life think it is ok to tear you down during moments that should make you feel on top of the world. If you don't want those people at your wedding, then don't invite them. No one wants that kind of nightmare on the their weddings day or any day! I'm sure you will look beautiful. Happy planning.

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  • J
    Just Said Yes March 2020
    Jacky ·
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    Whew that was quite a whirlwind! I can't imagine how hard that must have been. My dad also cheated and ran out on my mother when i was in middle school. My freshman year of college we talked things out and all was well and good, until this incident. My fiance says the decision is up to me, but he's concerned there will be drama whether I invite them or not. :/

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  • J
    Just Said Yes March 2020
    Jacky ·
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    Thank you for your kind words! Sure they didn't say anything in the moment, but their silence also spoke volumes. I am determined for my fiance and I to have a great day no matter what.

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  • J
    Just Said Yes March 2020
    Jacky ·
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    Thank you. It's hard because they were there for me when I was younger, but they always feel like they deserve to put their two cents into everything, without thinking of the damage they might cause.

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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
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    You're absolutely right. The fact that they didn't stand up for you would be more than enough for me to cut ties if I were in your shoes. I hope the two of you have an amazing wedding!

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  • Kathryn
    Devoted April 2020
    Kathryn ·
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    It was quite a lot - my mom had some health issues after all of the chaos, but thankfully she's happily married to my stepdad. And I was finally able to find a guy who didn't think I was crazy for my many issues lol. And he kind of agrees with me - my dad can be quite the tool.



    But don't focus on your mom - she'll deal with whatever you choose. This is up to you! I had to learn that lesson the hard way too. It was important to me to have my dad there, so my mom is dealing with him. Your wedding day is a huge day, so ultimately having your dad there or not is up to you. What do YOU want? That's what my FH kept telling me when I almost begged him to pick for me, and he was right. I struggled with it for awhile, and I almost did leave him out except that we worked out his problems with my relationship with my FH.

    I say, you already know what you want. Don't add drama to your day for family that doesn't support you but instead tears you down. But ultimately you have to do the soul searching to decide what you want. I'm so sorry this is going on and am sending you virtual hugs!
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  • Cassandra7
    Super August 2006
    Cassandra7 ·
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    And, if necessary to get your mother to stop bugging you to invite people who are mean to you, pay her back for the dress and veil.

    Do not invite anyone who undermines you and criticizes you to your wedding on into your life.

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  • J
    Just Said Yes March 2020
    Jacky ·
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    Thank you for your kind words Smiley heart

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  • Ivy ORP
    VIP October 2019
    Ivy ORP ·
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    I firmly believe that severing ties with toxic people is better for everyone. I haven't spoken to my bio mom in years and she was not told I was getting married. I couldn't risk her making everything about her and tarnishing an otherwise perfect day. I realize that is not an option for some people but I still recommend distance at the very least. You have to care for yourself without trying to accommodate those that bring little or nothing positive to your life.

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  • Christine
    Expert September 2020
    Christine ·
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    You should only invite people who love and support you. It is perfectly fine to not invite these family members to your wedding - even your dad! Your mom isn't paying for the wedding so it isn't her call. If she keeps pushing for you to invite people, then I'd say to start leaving her out of wedding planning conversations and just do your own thing with your FS.

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  • J
    Super April 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    I wouldn't invite anyone but the people who stood up for you, support you today, and support your fiance. You don't need those kind of people at your wedding (especially if there is any sort of implied racism towards your fiance, that is absolutely not okay).

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  • Cher Horowitz
    Rockstar December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag

    You don't need to invite anyone who disrespects you or your relationship! It's totally fine to invite only the people who love and respect both you and your fiance. FH and I are an interracial couple as well, and I know I would never invite anyone who expressed a hint of racism toward him. Stand your ground and don't invite these toxic, rude people! They're in the wrong, not you!

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Don't leave yourself open to being hurt again by their nasty behavior. Do not invite them. Do send a marriage announcement after, when you send them to everyone else. Your milestone achievements like graduation, and emotionally charged celebrations like your wedding, should be happy occasions, with everyone on their best behavior. Their nastiness so far says, do not give them another time to ruin your life. Family who behave in a loving, respectful, and supportive way must be invited to weddings. Not these people. Your friends are the family you choose. Invite them. I hope FI has a better family. This is when you start your own family with FI. Make it a happy one!
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  • J
    Just Said Yes March 2020
    Jacky ·
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    Thank you for your kinds words!

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