Invitation Pickle

It sounds like this guy hasn’t put on his big boy pants yet and learnt how to behave properly, though I also don’t think what he has necessarily done is so heinous so as to warrant an immediate removal from the guest list.


It is your wedding and you should only have the people you want there, but I think I’m situations like this it comes down to whether you’d prefer to tolerate his presence or deal with the drama of not inviting him.
We had a similar situation and “had” to invite people because they were extended family (who we didn’t like for similar reasons) but we ultimately invited them because we realised that in a sea of people at the wedding we wouldn’t notice them and it would spare us a fiasco.
Could your FH speak to this person in advance about behavioural expectations?

In vino veritas. In wine, truth. In other words, if this guy called you a c__t while drunk, it's what he thinks of you. Which is a) beyond rude and b) absolutely not the energy you want at the wedding.

I don't think you're being a jerk or anything by not wanting this guy, or anyone else for that matter, at your wedding. I'd sit your FH down one more time and lay out the facts that by inviting Jerky McJerkface, and anyone else you don't want to invite, you're not able to invite a, b, and c. If your FH is still saying "well... hmmm..." then I would absolutely insist. If nothing else, point out that you'd like to avoid the possibility of someone calling you that on your wedding day. Someone who's dinner your father would be paying for!

I'd keep it between you two though, and give your dad a pass on this one. I'm in the same boat - my kick ass parents gave us a budget that us covering all of our expenses, but have not insisted we do anything other than make it about us. His exact words to me were "This is your money. I don't care what you do with this money. It's all I'm giving you, so if you go over, that's on you. If you are under, well congrats, you get a bonus in your bank account. It's your wedding, make it about you two." Ultimately decisions like that are between you guys. We've gone back and forth on people and we both have made cuts because of drama, or tension, or lack of contact in recent years.

Never feel like you have to put yourself in a situation that would make you feel anxious about another person's actions. Ever. Especially on your wedding day!

He honestly doesn’t sound like he needs to be there and won’t be missed if he isn’t. But will it cause problems if he’s not? If so I say invite him. With 120 on your guest list you won’t see him for more than a couple of minutes. I had a 60 person guest list and I feel like I hardly saw any of my guests.

This guy should definitely not be on the guest list. The sister, on the other hand, should be invited. You don’t want to eliminate too many of his “important people” off of the guest list because it is his day too… so be reasonable. I wish I could eliminate a few off of ours… but I’d rather have them there to see us in all our joy 😊

No one gets to you that awful word and be a guest at your wedding. He will have to suffer the consequences of his actions.
We didn’t invite one of my fiancé’s good friends because he’s a severe alcoholic and causes scenes in settings with groups of people. We will not have to worry about babysitting someone on our wedding day.

View Quoted Comment I’m 100% on board with him having his important people there! I would say our guest list is 60:40 his guests (he has a way bigger family and is insisting on inviting extended people, so I’m just staying out of that lol). This is the only person I’m speaking up on, so I thought I was being reasonable but idk :/

View Quoted Comment Girl I’m with you there. I don’t want some 22 year old dummy causing problems, causing a scene, or reflecting poorly on us to our venue!

This is the time to figure out as a couple what you're willing to accept from other people and what you're not. Setting boundaries as a unit is so important when you get married so now is the time to get on the same page. If you are uncomfortable with this guy there because he's aggressively called you names before, your FH needs to respect that boundary and not invite him. It doesn't matter if it will cause drama. The drama is not (and shouldn't be) more important than your feelings. If your FH can't see that or refuses to compromise on this guest, I think it's time to evaluate how you would handle situations like this in the future (him not respecting your feelings enough to set boundaries with people outside your marriage).

View Quoted Comment In that case, definitely reasonable! The extended family idk about that one either lol.

View Quoted Comment

This. This current issue is not about this other guy, it’s about you and your FI. This won’t be the first time someone will come along and treat you badly, it’s up to you guys to present a united front.

This guy should not be there. If he's said that about you drunk, how does he really feel about you? Family or not, disrespect like that is not acceptable. You can invite the rest of the family without inviting him. Or you can just not invite any of them. If questions are asked, you can always use the venue space as an excuse.

Have you thought about inviting only the parents and not the siblings?

View Quoted Comment Oh i absolutely have, the fiancé, in his honest to gosh good hearted kindness feels bad about this. Maybe I’m a jerk but I don’t, also because I’m not inviting siblings of friends because I’m trying to draw the line somewhere

If you are cutting people from your side, and allowing him to have a bigger cut that IS going to cause problems. Your dad is paying for it, you should be 50:50. Easy solution, do not allow the people you do not want to come, and add more people from your side to even it out. Get exact counts on a spreadsheet even. You don't want to sacrifice too much, because it's just going to be a disaster if you do. Start it out fair, and you will be happier

It is ultimately your wedding and if he was inappropriate and called you awful names, I would insist on not inviting him to the wedding.

If it were me and my FH, I would tell him that if this person is truly "like family" and feels like he has to be there, I would INSIST that he get a talking to prior to the wedding. I would tell my FH and his best man that there needs to be boundaries set. Keeping his brother in line should fall under BEST MAN duties anyways. If it is a respect thing where he feels close to the family because it is his best man's family, I would tell him it is appropriate to only invite his parents under the guise of "capacity" reasons.