Introduction and Officiant Question

Hi LemonadeSprings, welcome to WW!

I think one of the things I read most often here is that people who didn't hire a pro officiant wish they did. (I hope Celia sees this and can reiterate!)

Ultimately your wedding will be personal to you guys because it's YOUR wedding! And a good pro officiant will be able to really tailor your ceremony to your styles.

There are definitely pros and cons to both. We used a personal officiant who was my choir director in college and was the professor who H studied abroad with in Scotland. We wanted someone personal, and he knew both of us incredibly well and we knew he would make it personal. We do not regret hiring him in the slightest - in fact, his ceremony had some of my favorite moments of the whole day in it, and we had numerous guests compliment us on what a wonderful officiant we had and how he had made the ceremony "perfectly us".

That being said, while he was not a professional officiant, he is a professional public speaker. Being a choir director and a professor means he it is actually his job to hold an audience and keep everything on track. If your friend is not skilled with that, then you can definitely run into some hiccups that you wouldn't if you had hired a professional. And professionals can certainly make it about you - that's why they meet with you beforehand. They won't know all the stories about you two, but it will still be personal to you.

I think this is honestly a conversation you need to have with your FH - just because his friend is ordained, is he capable of running a smooth ceremony? What is more important to you: personalization or structure?

Did you see the friend officiate? Is it possible to see the video from the wedding he did? I would want to tell FH why I thought the friend wasn't the best option before totally taking that off the table. My brother is actually getting officiated online to do our ceremony. I've seen him take the stage before, and I'm comfortable with him leading our (short) ceremony. And I'm excited to have him up there with us, since both my sisters are bridesmaids and FH's brother is his best man.

A lot of people still prefer using a professional, and that's fine (and you can maybe ask FH's friend to do a reading if FH would appreciate that). Just don't entirely discount your FH's idea(s) without knowing exactly why his friend isn't the perfect officiant for the both of you.

Where in New England do you live? I'm from Connecticut. In CT marriages performed by someone ordained online are not valid. We chose to use a professional and are very glad we did. Our officiant took the time to get to know us, and together we crafted a very personalized ceremony that made it seem like he had known us for years. That's what professionals do, they are able to make it seem like they have know you forever even if they haven't.

You kinda know going in what I'm going to say....but here's why.

A great ceremony, in order to be personal, (and a great officiant can absolutely make it sound like they've known you forever), needs to be well written, well delivered in a charismatic and exciting way, and of course, legal. It's not enough for the person to know you; they need to actually be good at public performance, the careful construction of an interesting and inspiring ceremony script and talking you off the various ledges you'll inevitably be on when it occurs to you that your 'officiant' doesn't know any more about this than you do. Do they know how to create a rehearsal blueprint and processional? Protocol for the myriad of family dynamics and how that applies to walking down the aisle and seating? Do they know anything about ritual elements that could be appropriate or create new ones for you? Readings, beyond the typical ones on About.com? How to file the license and what to do if they (or the clerk) screws it up?

And will they show up or freak out......I can't tell you how many people have asked friends to officiant only to have that friend bail when they realize just how important this part is. I get those calls usually a month ahead of time and everyone is panicked. They have 200 guests in a fancy venue and no officiant. (My venues don't particularly like amateurs either; they tend to have no sense of what is either too short or too long, which wrecks havoc with the reception plans....)

With the right person, you can absolutely have both personalization, and the structure that will free you to really enjoy the day without wondering what will happen next. That is crucial, especially at the very beginning of the celebration.

But you need to pick well. There are just as many shitty officiants out there as there are great ones. So interview some. See if you get a sense of their expertise, their passion, their creativity. Look here, for sure. Look at Celebrant USA and American Association of Wedding Officiants, also both here.

And then include your FH's friend as a guest reader; I found one of my favorite officiants because she was a reader at one of my partner's weddings. We both trained her, and she is awesome.

Thanks Celia and everyone! I am not trying to shoot down FH's ideas without a good solid basis for why especially since this is pretty much the only thing he has had an opinion on (before people jump on me for this- I have included him with everything, he just doesn't really care about the details- I have narrowed down choices and asked him to pick and he tells me to just choose). His friend is a good public speaker (he is a teacher and does a lot of speaking at the school he works for). I am getting married in Maine and you just have to be ordained or a notary to marry people here and he is both, so it would be legal (interestingly JP's can't marry in Maine?). I think he would do a solid job, but I really don't want to inconvenience him with making him do this big undertaking when I think a pro would do a good job as well with less hassle. Hopefully, selling it to FH as a way to not make his friend feel pressured to work our wedding as well as having a smoother ceremony will work with good contingency plans.

Dup post

I officiated my first wedding 25 years ago and have done over 1,500 ceremonies since then. With my experience, I can recommend other vendors, handle the rehearsal, and deal with any problems that may arise. Someone who has officiated 1 wedding can not do that (I remember MY first ceremony).

Does Maine recognize the online 'ordinations' or does the minister have to be a real one and have an active congregation? I guess if your friend is a Notary, you're covered anyway. In fact, it might be best to have him sign and seal the license as a Notary.

Our civil officiant was an actor, so I knew he would not be nervous and would hopefully keep us calm. I wrote out our ceremony like a script for him.

Congrats and welcome to WW! There has been a lot of debate on having a friend be an officiant in the wedding. Most are negative. Someone on here had someone get their license online and their county/state wouldn't let them get married. I would go with a pro and you will be much happier because of it!