Francesca
Savvy September 2021

Inlaw rant

Francesca, on May 18, 2021 at 2:15 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 18
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Ok so I need to vent

18 Comments

Latest activity by Kk, on May 18, 2021 at 7:44 PM
  • Allie
    VIP November 2021
    Allie ·
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    I think this one is tough because technically someone who is 19 is considered an adult, no longer a child, and they will remember that they are getting left out. You're allowed to invite whoever you want, but if this were me, I would have probably done 18+ and extended the invite to those who are technically considered adults since 18 is the age of an adult, not 21. I understand where your thinking is, though. I think this is more a situation for your fiance to handle over you since it's his family, not yours. Have you discussed this with him already? If not, you should let him know what's going on, get his input on the situation and ask him to handle it.

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  • Francesca
    Savvy September 2021
    Francesca ·
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    I have and he just doesn't want to deal with it. It i would have done 18+ i would have opened myself up to potentially inviting at the very minimum 15 extra people. Which we just cannot afford to do especially with our venue being capped. I had to cut my guest list by over 40 people. we oth de ided 21+ was a good compromise. It isn't anything personal towards her i had to do it with multiple people on my side and non of them complained. They all understood the circumstances and we're fine with it.


    Furthermore this is a person that FH has not seen in over 8 years and didn't even know how old the kid was until I told him.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    You are fully adult at 18, whether or not you can drink (21) or be president (35) or all sort of licenced things.
    I would consider it exceptionally rude to leave out 18-21 year old adults, to a social and familial occasion like a wedding.
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  • Allie
    VIP November 2021
    Allie ·
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    It's not really fair to put on you just because he doesn't want to deal with it. He should at least say that this is a decision you both came to together and it's not up for discussion, period. Unfortunately you'll always have people who don't understand some of the decisions you make. If he doesn't want to deal with it, then you shouldn't have to either. So if possible, I'd just ignore them if he won't say anything and hopefully they stop because they should be bringing it to him, not you.

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  • Francesca
    Savvy September 2021
    Francesca ·
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    I have been trying to get him to deal with them but he will usually just give in to them in order to avoid the confrontation which is what I'm trying to avoid. I'm not trying to be unreasonable with his family. In fact I have been very flexible but I just don't feel like it their place to come and tell me what I need to do at my wedding especially for people who my FH has not seen in over 8 years. I could understand if it was a super close relative but it isn't. In fact he isn't even inviting people who are closer to him. This is why I didn't trust his mom with the guest list.
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  • A
    Savvy May 2021
    Alison ·
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    I can't see the original post, maybe it was deleted, but I agree with you here. It's your wedding, you shouldn't have to invite people that neither you nor your FH have seen in 8 years. I don't find it particularly rude to not allow under 21, if it's a hard rule (not letting a few in here or there). Again, it's your wedding! Invite who you want to celebrate with on your day!

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
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    The original post is not there. Agree with others who say 18 is an adult. But you are not required to invite everyone you know, nor those who other people not getting married believe you should invite. You and fiancé decide who you can’t imagine the day without and everyone else gets an announcement.
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  • Grace
    Super February 2022
    Grace ·
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    Also cannot see the original post but I gather one family member was cut from the list because they were under 21 and the total guest list had to be cut down. I have been on the other side of this (I was 19 and not invited to my cousin's wedding). It is not fun to feel excluded but they will get over it. You and your FH are the only people who should dictate who is invited, not your inlaws. Family you have not seen for 8 years are absolutely people I would cut from my list, without question. Also, 21 is a perfectly reasonable age limit, especially if you are serving alcohol.
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  • Francesca
    Savvy September 2021
    Francesca ·
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    Sorry i tried to edit original post but We are having an adults only affair 21+ no exception except those in bridal party that are FH little brother and my niece and nephew. Before sending the invites i had explained this to My MIL.

    Now my MIL and SIL are attacking me and getting an attitude bc the person a family was invited and cannot bring her 19 year old son but her 2 daughters that are 24 and 23 are able to come.

    I explained that i have 3 immediate cousins that are my aunt and uncle's kids whom I am very close to that i had to exclude. Furthermore our venue has a cap of 150 due to covid and we are currently over capacity and would need to wait for people to RSVP before we decide on extending the invites to them.
    I would like to point out she isn't contributing a single dime towards our wedding and i feel like she shouldn't get a say in our invites especially when she called me the other day to tell me to invite 2 more people. I guess bc my parents are paying for it she feels like she can add whoever and it doesn't matter. Lastly, my FH has not seen or spoken to these people in over 8 years and didn't even know how old the child was let alone his name. am i wrong and over reacting?
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  • Grace
    Super February 2022
    Grace ·
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    Completely stand by my first comment then. You are not overreacting. It is extremely rude of your inlaws to push you to invite people you already decided not to. Put your foot down and keep your rules consistent. It will only create more problems if you start making exceptions for people outside the bridal party.
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  • Francesca
    Savvy September 2021
    Francesca ·
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    Thank you, I understand where people say that 18+ is considered an adult and while that is true. If I were to open it up to 18+ that would mean inviting over 15 people. I don't have the capacity to do so nor the $$ and his family doesn't see that because they aren't spending it.

    If he was close to the 19 year old then I wouldn't have hesitated to make an exception but FH doesn't even know him so I doubt that the 19 year old will really feel left out.

    Like i said i have 3 immediate cousins that I am very close to and speak to on a regular basis they are my aunt and uncles children and I had to exclude for the same reasons. At least I am being fair on both sides.

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  • Kk
    Devoted October 2021
    Kk Online ·
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    It's also really rude to split families up, especially when the other person is an adult. Obviously everyone has the right to set their own rules, but then they need to be willing to deal with the consequences and hurt feelings that come with excluding people.
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  • W
    Super September 2020
    Willow ·
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    Your FH needs to deal with his side of the family. They'll take it better from him. It's not fair for him to put this all on you. You should be a united front
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
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    You make a list of people you and your fiancé can’t imagine the day without. Do NOT invite anyone out of obligation. Anyone not on your list of must haves, regardless of relation, doesn’t get an invite. Mother in law already got married and sister in law can do it her way when it is her turn.
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  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
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    It isn't rude when everyone is an adult. This would be different if one child was 17 and one was 10, and the couple was inviting only those over 16 so that one child would be left at home. That would be "splitting the family up."

    When a very dear childhood friend of mine got married, my mom and dad were invited, as was I - but my older sister was not. No one even questioned this. She wasn't close to my sister, so she was not invited. It wasn't "splitting the family up" - we were adults. It isn't splitting the family up after the "kids" are adults.

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  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
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    This is why all invited adults, including the offspring of invited guests who are still living at home, should receive their own invite.

    Hopefully, you did this and gave the 23 and 24 year old daughters their own invitations, not an invitation under their mother's name or "and family".

    All you can do now is stand your ground. You are not under any obligation to invite someone's child just because her other adult children are attending.

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  • Francesca
    Savvy September 2021
    Francesca ·
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    Thank you!... This has happened to me as well where my older brother was invited bc he was over 21 and i was not. My parents never took offense they understood.
    None of my family ever questioned my decision to exclude my cousins bc they all understood the situation we were in.

    His family just wants to keep adding to the guest list so very different.
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  • Kk
    Devoted October 2021
    Kk Online ·
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    I think friends are different. I wouldn't expect an entire family to get invited for a friend's wedding. But for family? If my two sisters were invited to my cousin's wedding and I wasn't, I would be upset, and it would definitely affect my relationship with them in the future. As a 19-year old, i would feel left out and hurt that I wasn't able to celebrate with the family. Maybe you don't feel the same, and that's fine. Just my opinion.
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