Incorporating Kids into wedding.

I believe your heart is in the right place, but your wedding is NOT the place for your fiancé to reunite with his teenage daughter. Yes, she is old enough to accept or decline an invitation, but i don’t think it’s right to put her in that position in the first place.


I was also a teenage girl estranged from her father. I can’t tell you how hurt and angry I would have been if my father’s future wife (who I’d never met) wanted me to see my father for the first time in years AND meet my new step and half siblings at their wedding. His daughter is a human being with a complicated parental history, not a prop to be used as a surprise on the day (again, I think you mean well but an invitation may not come across well). I would also be very hurt to think my dad didn’t want me there enough to invite me himself.
Another thought, is this daughter the one child he helps financially support? If not, she may be very angry that your fiancé is spending money on a wedding when he hasn’t spent anything on her needs and wants over the years.
What if his other children find out that this daughter was invited to the wedding but they weren’t? Or again, that money was spent on a wedding when he doesn’t financially support some of his kids? There is so much scope for hurt feelings and resentment.
Any reunion should be private and allow for them to spend as much time together as his daughter wants. It should not be at an event full of (presumably) people she doesn’t know, when her father will have other obligations centred around his love for a woman that isn’t her mother. Also, how will you feel if your brand new husband spends the entire wedding with his daughter and not with you?
Please don’t do this. By all means encourage your fiancé to have a relationship with his children, and to meet his financial obligations to all of them. But inviting his daughter to your wedding as a surprise is a very, very bad idea.

View Quoted Comment You have a very valid point I did not even think about initially. Also I appreciate you recognizing that my intentions were in the right place but after having some time to think about it and also reading your reply I agree. It's not my place under to pursue anything involving his daughter no matter the occasion or circumstance. I have no right to try to contact his ex or his daughter. My initial thought was to talk to his mother as she would have rights as a grandparent but again that's not my business. But Yes his daughter is he one he pays support for. It was initially court ordered but the mother was recently found guilty of welfare fraud so he went back to court and told him he was no longer obligated to pay child support but he told them to continue the support payments voluntarily. It was at this same court date they told him he was now able to take the mom to court for visitation and they said if he wanted to pursue full custody he would have a pretty good chance at winning. We both agreed full custody was not something he should pursue after being estranged for so many years. He initially was told he had no visitation rights for a certain amount of time because of a felony charge (I just want to state that this had nothing to do with anything he did to or towards his daughter). After that time was up it was the mother who was refusing to allow him contact. He was able to speak to his daughter on the phone a little over a year ago and was able to tell her it was not that he didn't want anything to do with her as she had been told and that it was her mother and family preventing it. So I do believe at this point his daughter is aware his absence is not by his choice. I think at this point his hisitation is more because of how long it's been and not wanting to bring drama or mental/emotional distress to his daughter. But I think now that she's 13 he should file for visitation through the court and that way he can find out if his daughter would like him to be in her life for sure because I think contacting her mother would get him no where and she probably wouldn't even ask his daughter if she wanted to see him. I think that's the best next step. The mental and emotional impact on the child is something we both agree is the most important thing when it comes to situations involving custody and visitation. He has more experience with the family court system then I do. My situation is almost opposite. While he wants to be in his daughter's life and had his rights taken or at least restricted, my daughters father by his own choice is not in the picture and I want his rights terminated. She is 6 and a half and he has only seen her in the waiting room of family court when we had to establish paternity as I was receiving temporary assistance so they made me go for child support. So that couple of 10-20 min sessions he has seen her was not even by his choice. I hate the fact that at any point in time he has the right to just pop up out of no where and take me to court for visitation when she has no idea who he is. I am perfectly happy with him out of the picture and am actually very glad he has never tried to be part of her life up to this point. He is a drug a addict. As far as I know actively using. I myself am in recovery ever since becoming pregnant with her. With that said i think it goes without saying what kind of relationship we had and that getting pregnant was not part of the plan. But when I did, I got my life together. He did not. Now my fiance has been in her life for more then half of it and considers her his own. So I'm hoping once we are married they will agree to terminate her biological father's rights in order for my fiance to adopt her. So while my situation will have to wait until we are married I will definitely talk to my fiance about pursuing a relationship with his daughter in the healthiest way he can.

View Quoted Comment I completely agree with everything Jenni said. After his visitation rights were no longer restricted, how was the mother able to unilaterally refuse contact? How long has it been since he could have gone back to court? I ask because it adds another potential issue to address with the daughter. Reestablishing the relationship is the priority. Your wedding is not the place for any of this to first be sorted out.