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Jennifer
VIP October 2021

Inclusion of Stepdaughter

Jennifer, on August 31, 2018 at 9:19 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 24
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Hi!
Okay, my Fiancé and I have been together for 7 years, come October 1.
We met when his daughter was 14, his son 16, and my son 13. I was Not the woman right after their mom. I am 12yrs younger than he( or his ex-wife) is. I model professionally, we were a blind-date & he moved me in very quickly.
From 6 months into the relationship his daughter had it out for me. At 14 1/2 she said "I'm going to do whatever I can to ruin this relationship- because of all the hell dad put me and my brother through with the woman before you."
And, DAMN!, she tried! Telling him I said things I never did. Saying I pushed her down the stairs when she fell down them- thank God her older brother Saw her fall and told their dad she was laying! Or telling him I was seeing someone else- but little did she know I was actually WITH Her Dad! The worst part is that he wouldn't put a foot down on her disrespectful, abusive, attitude. Until June 24, 2018 that is, despite her causing a scene in the restaurant 2 days before we left( I wasn't there, but he told me) about him telling them he was going to propose, he still did propose...
We went to Ireland for my 40th Birthday and he proposed while we were there- what a wonderful birthday gift!
Her, female, cousins & friend and I get along Very well. So well, in fact, that one of her cousins I've asked to be a Bridesmaid.
So, now that you have the back story, here are my questions:
1) DO I HAVE TO INCLUDE HER IN THE WEDDING PARTY???
2) DO I HAVE TO NOT INCLUDE HER COUSIN?
3) Do I HAVE TO include Stepdaughter IF I include her cousin??
( She told her boyfriend, when she saw the wedding planner on the table, "I'm going to call and cancel whatever she does!"and other venomous things. So I'm not inclined to Want her in it!
And FYI: I had always wanted a daughter. Doing the whole makeup/hair/nails thing.... So I went into this as a Friend, or cool aunt, NOT a mom figure!)

24 Comments

Latest activity by karen, on September 3, 2018 at 5:21 PM
  • Sarah
    Master June 2016
    Sarah ·
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    What does your FH think about your questions. Only you and he know and understand the dynamic there. I would expect that not including her could potentially cause her to never speak to either of you again. I don’t think bad behavior should be rewarded but her behavior when she was 14 isn’t out of the ordinary for a kid in their teens that’s been put through a lot emotionally.
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  • A
    Devoted October 2018
    Allison ·
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    Wow that's a lot to deal with. It sounds to me she needs therapy and honestly if it were me I would ask he if she wanted to be in it. (Doesnt sound like she would want to)
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  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    She has had ongoing "Bad Behavior", from the time she was 14 1/2. Sadly it has NOT stopped. Even though she is 21, has had a boyfriend for 2yrs, and is away at college( or here when schools out.) it continues. Even when she is away. And since we got engaged she's "double-downed" her efforts 😓.
    As far as she and I were concerned I was trying to be there, as a friend/Aunt roll.
    She has always had a mother she could live with, but, despite her saying how awful I was/am, & trying to break her dad & I up for 🔴7 years🔴, she choose to stay Here- even if her father was working late/traveling and wasn't going to be here- and it was just going to be her & I, which tells me it's Not really so bad( and has told the therapist that as well!)
    He is not of the mindset that I need to include her. At least that is what he has told me. I think he is Finally done with her petty-drama, after his embarrassment at the restaurant 2 days before he proposed when he took his 2 children to dinner.
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  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    Yes, she does need therapy. I have said that for 5yrs+.
    I have put my foot down, now that it is her Senior yr of college & we are engaged, and told her and her father that IF she is thinking of living Here after she graduates, at least, She & I ARE going to to be in Family therapy. I have also told my FH that he can set her up in an apartment, she can live with her brother( 15min away) or her mom( 40min away)- but she CANNOT be here if she is going to continue to be verbal/mentally & emotionally abusive/disrespectful.
    I did ask & her reply "It's going to look odd that my cousin is in the wedding and I'm not." I told her "Had things been different these last 6.11 months, than she WOULD'VE been a bridesmaid." Annnnnd then her Uncle arrived and the discussion ended.
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  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    I meant "Had things been different these last 6.11 YEARS, than YOU would've been a bridesmaid."

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  • M.M.
    Devoted December 2018
    M.M. ·
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    I would still try again, sit down with her over coffee and ask if she would like to be part of the bridal party however, no bad behavior will be tolerated! She will behave in her best behavior because you want everyone to see her behave like a lady. This is a family unit not a circus.
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  • Daria
    VIP January 2019
    Daria ·
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    I don't have advice over whether she should be included, but I WOULD say to keep your wedding planner out of sight. Also, let your vendors know the situation and have them ask for a password if attempts are made to change or cancel plans. She could call them, pretending to be you. I've heard of it happening on here, though it's usually parents.

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  • K
    Expert September 2021
    Ka-Rina ·
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    Omg this is such a great idea... for real...

    OP is there anything that happened that she could blame you for??? her behavior sounds obsessive and crazy. i dont know how you managed to deal w it for so many years!!!

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  • HayMrsO
    Master October 2018
    HayMrsO ·
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    I thank God everyday that I am blessed with wonderful, amazing, loving stepkids. What you are describing was my worst nightmare. FH's daughter was 9 when we started dating. Her mom tried to turn her against me many times, but it did not work, thank goodness.

    I would sit down and have an honest conversation with her with FH there as well. That is one thing that FH and I have always been good at when communicating with our kids. We are a team now. If you want to be on this team, we would love to have you. But you better act right. We will not be played against each other. We will not be bullied. We tell each other everything, we have no secrets. That has led us to where we are 5 years later. Anyway, I would let her know that you have some reservations about having her there based on past behavior. You heard what she said about ruining your wedding day and it hurt both you and her dad. Tell her you want to move past all of this. If she doesn't want to, then you have your answer about the bridesmaid.


    I would absolutely make your vendors aware of your situation and note that nothing can be changed without your "password".

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  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    A password is set. And will be given to 3 people( sadly Not FH, as he might let it slip)
    As far as blame me? Her fantasy( even tho they divorced when she was like 5 & he had a LTR before me, annnd she's 21!) of Mommy & Daddy getting back together was dashed? But, more realistically it's because I "took her Daddy"... Even tho he has been around more BECAUSE of me & went to school functions Because of my insistence. She is jealous, and egotistical, thinking EVERYTHING must revolve around her( even when MY grandfather, who was like my dad, died it had to be ALLLLL about HER- she'd Never met him btw- and Daaaaddy had to go to dinner and TaKwanDo with her. Or when I had a major surgery and coded in recovery and begged FH to stay until I fell asleep, she Demanded he come have dinner with her- age 19!- and that he choose "her or me"- he chose to go to her- - HUGE issue still these 2 examples), soooo I am not really sure but that's my suspicion anyway. Yes, she is obsessive & crazy and that's why a lot of her female friends aren't friends anymore.
    And the reason I have been able to do it this long: I, really & truly Love my FH.
    ( ok plus I can't let Her "win"!)
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  • Jane
    Expert May 2019
    Jane ·
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    Talk to her with your FH. Either she agrees to respecting you and you giving her a real new chance or explain that you can't risk her behaviour on your wedding day
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  • C
    Super October 2018
    Cassandra ·
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    Have you ever considered going to therapy with her to find the issue and work things out?

    okay so to answer your question, you don’t need to include her, and I wouldn’t, if you had her cousin.

    She doesn’t want this marriage to happen, so I am sure she will say no to whatever you ask her anyways.
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  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    - Yes, for the last 6 Years I have tried to get, at least she & I, into Family Therapy.
    - I have tried tooooooo many times to give her a fresh chance. To the detriment of My health & sanity. The doctors have related my last stroke to Her behavior & the TIA( warning/mini stroke) to her also.
    - I have talked to her w/FH on many occasions. To No avail. Sadly.
    - And thank you for saying that I CAN have her cousin and Not her.

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  • Joanna
    Devoted February 2016
    Joanna ·
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    If I were in your situation, asked her, and she accepted? I'd be plenty nervous of why she accepted and what she had up her sleeve.

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  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    I agree 1000%! I don't trust her across the street. She has made it abundantly clear, for 7 years, that she is going to try and break her father & I up. She's come close, but obviously didn't get her way- despite the tantrum her 21 year old self threw in the restaurant.
    He had the nerve to ask me to reconsider her as a bridesmaid, because he wanted to ask his son to be a groomsman- NOOOO mention of asking MY SON, btw, who hasn't been disrespectful to him ever!- and I looked at him as if he'd grown 3 heads, replied "No. After her disrespectful/abusive behavior, and her display since we've been engaged, I stand firm in my decision. Unlesssss, you want to ask MY Son to be one of Your attendants?" He simply looked at what he was doing and said Nothing.. "Or, ask HER to be one of Your attendants!" He was like "Yeah, NO!"--- gee, I wonder why?!
    And all this while me dealing with kidney stones! Lol
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  • Maren
    Champion October 2021
    Maren ·
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    Hi Jennifer! I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this situation with your future step daughter.

    Have you brought these questions up with your FH?

    I agree with the others, having a heart-to-heart with her and with your FH is a good idea. That way, either she agrees to be respectful and start new, a fresh chance with you -or- she won't be included, as her unpredictable behavior can't genuinely be trusted on your wedding day.

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  • MommaKeysMOG
    May 2019
    MommaKeysMOG ·
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    I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Your FH needs to stand up for you and put his foot down which should of been done years ago. He should really have a come to Jesus talk with her, and either she respects you and behaves like an adult on your wedding day or she isn't welcome. I know it would be hard on your FH but he has chosen you to be his wife he didn't choose her to be his daughter god did that. Just like we don't chose our parents. You can have the cousin without a second thought to the soon to be step daughter. I hope things get better

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  • karen
    Master October 2017
    karen ·
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    No, of course you do not have to include her in the bridal party, but I would not throw oil on the fire by including everyone except her, including cousin, etc. That really makes it obvious. I would not have done that. Also, not certain what relevance is it that you model?

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  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    The modeling has been a Huge issue with Her mother, because of how I look. And then it was compounded because Stepdaughter-to-be wanted to be a photographer and I introduced her to my photographer friends as mentors. And I wanted to give some background on me/is....
    As far as including everyone But her in the wedding, I have ONE of her 4 female cousins as an attendant & the rest are MY friends. I have also told her she IS included in the Bridal Shower &, probably- depends on if my MOH is inclined to include her( Stepdaughter has disrespected her also!) the Bachelorette Party- as it will be a girls weekend to a spa/hotel type thing.
    And FH seems to think if he forces the issue it will "all be good", meanwhile she & I are like "BAD Idea, Dude!" & informed him of such!
    If I could get away with the "If you cannot be respectful you cannot be there- at all" comment I would. It IS his child, and I had hoped that she would 1) Outgrow this & 2) Become adult enough to let her pettiness go. Sadly, this is NOT the case.

    ( Just an aside: I had a daughter who passed shortly after I had her- and so I was truly looking forward to all those daughter/"Mother" milestones, & that is another reason the abusiveness from her went on so long, as well as why it's so devastating that she has been like this for sooo long.
    Yes, her mother has had a roll in this. From the start. I was NOT the woman after they split, there was one between us, but his ex-wife has spoken to her daughter- in MY/FH home- when they didn't know I was home- about her getting back together with my FH. The most recent was 1.5yrs ago. His Ex-wife kept my FH sat name even when she remarried & the kids were adults! She doesn't need it for business recognition either....)
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  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
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    This! OP read this again and pretend I wrote it. I'm going to ask again, what does modeling have to do with anything?
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