Including step family

Are you including your mom and your future mother-in-law in the getting ready portion?

I was in the same situation as your partner. I have a pushy stepmom and a blunt husband but I wanted to keep the peace and not cause a rift over little things. She helped with the rehearsal dinner and I asked her if she wanted to get ready with us but I was relieved she declined. The best thing you can say to her suggestions is thanks for the suggestion, we’ll think about it. Or thanks but we are very sure we want it like this.

That's tough. My father-in-law is engaged, but I didn't have his fiancee get ready with us. His own dad didn't even get ready with him the morning of the wedding so it would've been weird to have her get ready with me. I also barely know her. Do your partner's mom and step-mom get along because that is something else I would consider before I ever asked the step-mom to get ready with you?

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Yes that is what I am planning on

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The step mom has been around for like 15 years. The mom and step mom are totally amicable. They text each other and stuff.

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That's what some of the cousins on the step side suggested.

I have a step-mother of 40 years. I am not including her in any of the planning or getting ready morning of. We haven’t always had a very good relationship and I just don’t feel it is necessary to include her in these things. My FH and I are paying for everything ourselves so we aren’t asking really anyone for many opinions anyway, but I have run a few things by my mom. As for getting ready it will be me, my 9 year old daughter (Jr BM), 17 year old future step daughter (MOH), my mom, my FH’s mom and my sister. That’s it. I don’t want my step-mother there during that time or my FH’s sister in law. Some may get their feelings hurt, but this is one area I’m not willing to compromise on. I want it to be an enjoyable day, not constantly worried that everyone else is getting along or enjoying themselves.
Obviously my dad and step-mother are certainly invited to the wedding.

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That's what some of the cousins on the step side suggested

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I don't feel it necessary for her to be included.

My mom has spent a lot of time with the step mom, but she knows that there has been friction there. I worry it would be tense, because my mom wants everything to go my way and make me happy. I feel as though she would feel defensive, unintentionally. I don't want to hurt feelings, but I don't think she needs to be there.

View Quoted Comment I agree. I don’t think she needs to be there.

View Quoted Comment If your partner has a good or at least decent relationship with the stepmom, it’s something to maintain. That doesn’t mean doing things her way but at least including her where possible and staying amicable. My husband and I still have discussions about this bc he doesn’t have any step family and he doesn’t understand that I’ve known her since I was 8 years old and she does have a place/role. I’ve known my stepdad since I was 6. I see it as an extended family, people who helped raise me.

Also meant to add, I don’t mean this in reference to getting ready but just in general. I didn’t expect my stepdad to hang out with my husband for more personal events like getting ready.

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He has a pretty good relationship with them. I was thinking I could ask her to help with something big the day of like, making sure set up gets done right. So she doesn't feel hurt but I don't feel like my boundaries are being crossed. I like your husband don't have any step family. My partner has had a step mom and step dad in the picture since he was at least 10. I don't understand any of that, so I struggle with it.

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Oh okay! Well if it's totally your choice, but based on how you described her I probably wouldn't want her getting ready with me.

View Quoted Comment I think that would be great! My husband and I at least know we see things differently and he is coming around.