In-laws: How much is too much?

Ugh that's a tough spot to be in. I personally would not want anyone staying with us either.

I think that if you guys don't either then you have to have a really awkward conversation with her and just tell her you guys are just starting your marriage and need to get into the marriage groove right now.

Honestly though, an hour and a half is a long commute, but certainly not long enough that she can't drive home.... What is her excuse for needing to stay with you guys and not just driving home?

Also, why did she apply for a job so far from her home? She obviously assumed she would be able to stay with you before even asking you guys. This sets a dangerous precedent of her doing whatever she wants IMO.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that.

I agree with Kristen about the awkward conversation.

Why would she drive that far for a part part time job?

Agreed with all of the above but who takes a part time job an hour and a half away from home?! Just saying!

Yeah.... it seems like she did that with the intention of staying with you. My MIL stayed with us for a week and I LOVE her! We have a great relationship but it was AWFUL!!! She tried to stay out of the way. It she was there. I couldn relax or function normally in my home. I’m team awkward conversation but you have to discuss this with your hubby first especially since it’s his mom.

I have to agree with the PP saying why did she apply to a job so far from her home? Was that something she discussed with you or FH? My FMIL is married and still has her daughter living with them and often times I hear her tell FH that she should just come live with us whenever she gets mad at her husband or daughter. I dont even laugh at that, if I were to allow this type of behavior or accept it I'd be done for. No one should impose themselves on you.

I love my MIL and there’s no way I’d be comfortable with that. She lives a couple of hours away and stays the occasional night if she’s in our city for something, which is totally fine, but regularly? Nope. Adjusting to living together can be a big transition and it’s going to put stress on your marriage to have her there a few nights a week. I’d tell her that it’s not going to work - you don’t need to go into depth about why, just tell her it won’t work for the two of you.

My first thought reading this was why would she take a part-time job a few days a week an hour and a half away from her home?? I agree with the other PPs that she probably just assumed she could stay with you. That would be a hard no from me. I'm sure there are other part-time jobs a few days a week closer to her own home. If you two haven't even lived together before then this first year will be stressful enough - and the first year of marriage is usually the hardest! Throwing your MIL into the mix is a recipe for disaster even if you get along great. Set your boundaries now. Hopefully your DH is on the same page with you and will have this discussion with his own mother.

I totally agree with PP. Two women under the same roof is a very bad mix! It leads to hard feelings.
This needs to be addressed now! She should never have even had the thought of staying with the two of you! It worries me as to her thoughts of your placement in the relationship.
As a woman she knows the importance of a newly wed couple having their own space. He may be her son, but he is your husband. Her place has changed and she can not be allowed to act as if he is still single. This is not just his home, it's yours and his! She does not fit into that equation.
She needs to find a part time job closer to where she lives, or is she trying to "move" closer to her son "part time"!

View Quoted Comment Perfectly well put. Couldn't said it better myself

What MIL wants is the definition of too much. Taking a part time job that far from home would be reasonable if the job was unusual and her profession. If an opera singer, the only opera house in 90 miles might justify that commute. Not any routine job. Especially not a part time one. Unless she wants to find a boarding house or motel that gives special 3 night stay rates for business people who regularly travel away from home, she needs a different job. Tell her you will help her look for a 3 night a week room. And when she says no, it is on her to get a job closer to home, or get herself an apartment. Your space is taken, by you. Occasional 1 night visitors by your invitation only, and only when convenient to you. She made these plans, traveling to get interviewed on her own, she obviously planned this invasion.pull up the draw bridge and bolt the door, and do not feel bad about it. If she came to you before applying you could have saved her from this mistake. She didn't, and has no reason to believe you should accept her as a regular border. My husband supervises a second office 170 miles from his company base, 3 times a month staying 2 nights. He would not think of staying with relatives in the immediate area. He stays in a boarding house that caters to commercial travelers. That, not barging in on other people's private space, is the usual thing.

Don’t do it! You need to start your lives out as husband and wife on your own. You need the time to stumble through things and your first arguements as husband and wife without mil adding in her two cents every time or picking a side during an argument.

This is a tough situation. On one hand, it's your mother-in-law and you want to accommodate her and help her out because she is family. On the other hand, like you said, you and your husband are newlyweds who have just started living together and not only are you both still adjusting to that, but you also need privacy for.... newlywed things.

If I were in your shoes I would also be concerned about what would be expected of you on the days she stays at the house. As in, now you will be hosting her and will you be preparing meals for 3? Will you and your husband need to work around her schedule? Will she criticize your laundry folding, cooling skills, or how you load the dishwasher? Would she be sitting on the couch watching TV with you and your husband? For example, you and your husband could be watching a show and snuggling, but then she comes in and I would assume you would then stop and sit up straight. There are so many little intimate moments (not necessarily sexual) that now there is a 3rd party in the house and that puts a wedge in that intimacy. Like dancing together in your PJ's in the kitchen or even walking around your home with no bra on.

This may not be popular opinion, but if it was me, I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. It's one thing to stay for a few nights when visiting, but I wouldn't want to have my mother-in-law as a roommate with my new husband.

Also, did she discuss this with you and your husband when she was job hunting, before she got the job to make sure you both were ok with it? Honestly, that really irks me and sends up a red flag.

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Ok, so I see "DH" a lot and I am assuming it has something to do with "husband", but I have no clue. Can you please fill me in on what "DH" means?

View Quoted Comment DH = Dear Husband (married)
FH = Future Husband (not yet married)

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Ah! That makes sense. Thank you!

That's gonna be a hard no from me. My FMIL is fine and all, but I couldn't even imagine. You guys are in a very new marriage, you're establishing the foundation of a relationship that's going to last you a lifetime, it's important that you start out on the right foot. You need privacy, intimacy, and independence. That's not something you can have with your MIL staying a few nights a week. Even allowing it "sometimes" would be a pass from me. Your idea of sometimes and her idea of sometimes are probably different, and typically when you give someone an inch, they'll take a mile.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for asking that. I've been wondering what that meant for hours since I first saw it

Thank you everyone so much for your advice! A few things I want to clarify - but sure if it makes a difference, but wanted to be sure... By “recently accepted” I meant a few months ago (just before we got married).

The only reason I bring this up is that, prior to marriage, my DH has his own house, and he would let his mom stay with him while she was working in his house. So I feel like there’s an expectation that he helped establish.

We have moved into a new house together, but it’s even closer to her work. Why did she get a job so close? I have questioned that too, but the business she was working in her hometown closed, and there aren’t anymore places she can work in her hometown now (she works in a narrow field). But there are other places she could work in our city (still about an hour and a half away from her house).

I don’t know if that makes a difference, but obviously I’m going to be the “bad guy” in the situation if she’s been staying with DH and suddenly can’t anymore. (He’s selling his house so she can’t continue to stay there.)

I talked to DH about it last night, and he said he could have her stay twice a month, and I said how about once? (Each time is several days at a time, so twice a month would come to a week out of the month that we don’t have our own privacy!) I really don’t want to do once a month, but know that sometimes you have to compromise on things, and I don’t want to give his family the impression that they can’t ever stay with us. (To complicate matters, my family is OOT and has stayed with me too a couple times a year. I don’t feel like this is the same, because it isn’t on a regular basis (I would be absolutely 100% fine with his family staying a few times a year). But I dunno... really don’t want to drive a wedge between DH and his family but need to also help our own family get started on the right foot - his sister and her husband LIVED with his parents when they were first married, and they are divorced now. That may have had absolutely nothing to do with it, but I’m just torn. DH says to me he can’t just kick his mom out on the street, and I get that... that’s not what I’m saying... ugh! Sorry for the long message - I’m only a little over a month into our marriage and this is a tough one for me.

FW is Puerto Rican. They practice multigenerational living a lot in their culture. In the 4 years FW and I have been together, they have stayed with us A LOT. We bought our first home last year in August. In September, her sister moved in after Hurricane Maria. We are getting married in 36 days and her parents also just moved in with us full time while her dad gets treatment for cancer. Is it ideal that they are living with us as we are getting married? No. Do I love the fact that we haven't gotten to live in our home alone yet? Definitely not. But I love her family and we are helping take an immense burden off of them. We had a family meeting and laid down ground rules that work for everyone. It's been two weeks so far and we haven't had any issues.

If it helps her and doesn't hurt you guys, I don't see why it would be a huge issue as long as there are rules for everyone to follow.

Stay with you, as in spend the night at your home? If it were me, I'd say no. It's not normal for a mother to live with her children especially when they are married. If you worry it'll affect your marriage, it probably will. Your husband needs to talk to her about it being inappropriate to stay with a newly engaged couple.