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Jainee
Beginner February 2020

I’m sick of my fiancé not helping. Any suggestions?

Jainee, on October 22, 2019 at 1:27 AM Posted in Planning 0 13
We have a little over a year engagement, our wedding is in 3 months!

he’s helped with a few things. But I’ve talked to him several times about helping me with details or just even talking to his groomsmen’s and getting everything situated . But I just found out he doesn’t talk to them or has no idea if they are still going to be part of the bridal party.

i don’t have a wedding coordinator and I’m exhausted planning the wedding. I’m constantly irritated because he doesn’t help and waits for everything last minute, he has no interest in helping at all. I told him he’s in charge of officiant , dance lessons and cake. And we still don’t have any of those...

im done having these conversations.

any suggestions on how to make this easier?

13 Comments

Latest activity by Amy, on September 21, 2020 at 4:26 AM
  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    Hire a wedding planner.
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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    Literally throw the wedding planning book at him.

    Ok, no, that's a terrible idea. (But it may or may not have happened to my DH once or twice, until he snapped out of it.)

    Sit him down. Don't tell him to do something, tell him THIS. That you are exhausted, that you are stressed out, that his lack of involvement is hurting YOU and your relationship.
    Ask him what's up. Is he overwhelmed? Unsure of what you both want?

    Ask him what he thinks he can do.

    Give him a deadline.

    Tell him, if it's not done, it won't happen. (And if it's the officiant, then you can't get married, so make that *clear*.)
    Remind him that he asked you, that he is an adult, and that it takes 2 people to get married.

    And if he still doesn't do this stuff, offer to cancel it all and go to the courthouse.

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  • Jennifer
    Devoted September 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    ^^ THIS ^^

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  • raquel
    Dedicated November 2019
    raquel ·
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    I’d pay for a wedding planner then or hire someone you trust. It’s a lot of pressure you are putting on your fiancé.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    How is it a lot of pressure to expect the the person who is also getting married to do some of the planning?

    OP, we went through something similar in the beginning of our engagement and I told H that if he wasn’t going to help me plan, there wasn’t going to be a wedding. It wasn’t mine to plan it was ours. He stepped up after that and helped a lot more than I anticipated. Since you’re so close to your date, I’d take Rebecca’s advice. Sit him down and explain what you’re feeling and if he doesn’t understand or help from there, explain that you’re willing to cancel.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Unfortunately, this is a common thing with guys. My husband didn't help me as much as I would have liked. In order for me to get his opinion on things, I would send him links to stuff with options for him to choose from. I would select like 3-5 options of the same item and send him the links to each one and he would decide which one he liked best. For instance, I did this with a cake and knife server. I found a few I liked online so I sent him an email with all of the options I liked and he picked the one he liked best and that's the one we got. When it came to selecting music for the wedding, I put together a word document of all the different types of music we would need (recessional, bridal party introductions, bride & groom introductions, etc.) and a few songs I liked for each thing and he picked from those songs which ones he liked. This made planning easier for me because I can be rather indecisive so by having him determine which one he liked the best of all the ones I liked I didn't have to stress over choosing which I thought he would like best.
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  • raquel
    Dedicated November 2019
    raquel ·
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    Guys are usually not into planning big things, they don’t want to disappoint, they don’t want to do something and be told it could have been done better or faster or whatever. They don’t want to be yelled at, weddings are events that being a lot of attention to both bride and groom, and that concept on its own can be overwhelming. I found that I gave my fiancé a list and a deadline of things and it worked, yes I had to remind him a few times for things, but it’s just a common thing to not expect the guy to be as on top of wedding details as the girl.
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  • Shelby
    Expert November 2020
    Shelby ·
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    I started to have a similar situation at first. I have the venue (all inclusive thankfully), I have my dress, and I have the bridesmaid proposal boxes made up and will be giving them in a couple weeks ☺️, then we will be shopping for their dresses because I need to find MOH (FSIL)‘s dress while she is visiting from out of state in that same week of the proposal. He has started looking into suits for himself because he wants a custom one. The only thing I really need him to do right now is make sure he actually asks the groomsmen to be groomsmen. I agree with Rebecca as well, if you tell him there is a deadline then he won’t slack off as much. Good luck 😊
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  • Jainee
    Beginner February 2020
    Jainee ·
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    Lollllll. Yeah because I’m the only one getting married 😂😂😂 no pressure on me 🤷🏻‍♀️🤙🏻✌🏻
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  • Jainee
    Beginner February 2020
    Jainee ·
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    This is 💯!

    I’m just ready to get it over with and just get married already 😭
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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    I agree with Rebecca. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. He probably doesn't realize. When my husband and I were planning our wedding, we did the big things together. Rather than saying "hey honey, you find the cake" we would look for vendors together and meet them together and decide on them together. This way all the major decisions seemed shared. He didn't care about little things like table numbers and the card box, so I just did those myself. But that was just 1 trip to Hobby Lobby.
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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    Exactly! All the big stuff we did together. Venue, DJ, cake, officiant, photographer, so on.
    We made these into dates, or wedding planning days, and this way, he had input.
    It was the details and small stuff he'd sometimes get stuck on, and that's where the book and some clarity on my part helped. (He wanted to do cake before we had the venue, and the seating chart before our rsvps came in.)

    If he doesn't step up now, he won't step up with kids or other major events.

    You might also want to consider counseling. DH and I did that before we even got engaged and it was super helpful.
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  • Amy
    Dedicated November 2020
    Amy ·
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    I’m feeling this right now, too. No one (especially my fiancé) seems to have any sense of urgency and our wedding is 43 days away. His parents are supposed to be planning the rehearsal dinner but are dragging their feet. My fiancé is dropping the ball with getting the groomsmen organized and figuring out a bachelor party. Because of this, the Best man schedule the bachelor party for the day of the rehearsal dinner-Which won’t work at all. And then he doesn’t understand why I nag him over and over to get things done. it totally makes me feel like he doesn’t want the wedding at all. Why is it so hard for men to understand that large events take planning and you can’t do everything last minute?!?



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