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Just Said Yes October 2023

I'm really upset about my bridal shower...

Kimi, on June 11, 2023 at 8:32 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 14

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I'm really, really hurt and disappointed by my bridal shower. For context, my husband and I had to emergency elope for insurance purposes last year after we already booked a venue and decided to keep it as a fun secret to be revealed at this years wedding since everything was already booked and non-refundable downpayments had already been made. I didn't want a bridal shower at all, and my husband and I bounced around the idea of having a "wedding shower" (mainly just a big party with friends with no gift obligations) at our house, but due to some repairs that popped up, it became impossible. My sil offered to throw us a wedding shower for free, and claimed that she and a few others from the family pooled money to afford an event to spoil us. We were hesitant, but agreed because she was so excited and it seemed like the family really wanted to celebrate us. From the very beginning, I made it clear that I didn't want a bridal shower, or to be center of attention alone. I wanted our male and female friends, and I wanted to be celebrated along with my husband. At first, she agreed. Since then, over time she's completely changed her tune. She refused to invite any male guests, and told us these events are "Only for the ladies." She's talked down to my husband telling him that she guesses he can be there, but this is mostly about me, because I'm the bride, and I'm only going to be a bride once, so it's not a party for him. She never asked my opinion on anything aside from what our wedding colors are and if I would be taking my husband's last name. I told her with confidence that I would (because secretly, I already have) She never asked what food I like, but I recently quit a very toxic job at an italian place I worked at for years. She is aware, but booked a venue with only italian food. She insisted that I make the dessert for the shower (since my new job is at a cake/cupcake shop) I explained that due to grad season and wedding season, I'm already swamped and we will be having the same cupcakes at my wedding courtesy of my boss, in 3 months. So I'd prefer not to have the same dessert at both events. I was then told by my mil that it's not about me, it's about my guests. We were told invites would be sent out in July for the August shower, and I received one in the mail yesterday. The colors on the card are not our colors, and she put "lunch with the bride" then put "celebrating (my name+maiden name". Since then a bunch of my friends have messaged me asking if it's just lunch or what, and if I'm not taking my fiancé's (husband's) name. I'm extremely hurt and frustrated because this isn't at all what I wanted and I tried my best to make it clear, many times. My biggest upset is that my husband feels totally excluded when my ONLY real request was that he was by my side the entire time and that it was about US, not just me, and that our male friends could come. Since the comment that "This isn't about me", I'm terrified to voice how upset I really am, and now I'm really, really dreading something that I thought would be a fun time with our friends to celebrate. I know I should be expected to just deal with it, but seeing my husband excluded and sad makes me even more upset. Especially when the invites make it look like I insisted on a one woman show, with my new last name nowhere in site. I really want to cancel it and not have to deal with it, especially since invites were sent out with no heads up, a month before we were told. What should I do?

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14 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on June 12, 2023 at 4:41 PM

Super October 2023
Kelly · on June 11, 2023 at 9:26 AM
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If I'm understanding correctly, no one knows you're married. It would make sense then that she used your maiden name on the invitations, because as far as she knows that's still your name. I don't think the color scheme really matters either. It's not an event you're throwing, so stationery and theme don't have to be the same. Everything else though doesn't sound right. I would suggest talking to her directly about how you feel.
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on June 11, 2023 at 9:45 AM
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This is why you shouldn't such life changing events from family. They have no idea that they are excluding your husband. They think they are throwing a bridal shower for an engaged bride. The future husband doesn't typically attend the shower. If they do, they show up at the end to say hello, thank you, and help transport the gifts.
And I suspect it's not going to be taken as a "fun secret" when family and guests find out that you are already married and have been for a year. To use your words, they're going to be really, really hurt and disappointed. I would prepare myself for how to deal with that, if I were you.
In the meantime, if planning isn't too far along, tell they that this shower isn't your cup of tea, and you'd like to just have a bridal luncheon, or something. Then no gifts are expected, and your husband could attend.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on June 11, 2023 at 9:52 AM
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I've never seen a shower invite with the soon-to-be last name listed so obviously she'd use your maiden name because as far as she knows, that's your name. The colors on the invite or where the party gets hosted/what's served for food isn't your call to make.

I can understand being upset that your husband isn't really being included and you can certainly voice those concerns. If the host won't listen, you can say you don't feel comfortable having the shower.
I think one of the major problems here is you're looking at this experience as someone who is already married and they're planning this party as if you're not. That's one of the consequences of lying about being married.
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CM · on June 11, 2023 at 10:14 AM
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Most of this is on you. You should not be lying to people about your marital state, nor IMO will it be a “fun surprise” to spring on people later. I also think a “shower” is inappropriate since you chose, for whatever reason, to get married privately. The only reason people keep this a secret is so people will prioritize the delayed reception the same way they would an actual wedding and gift you accordingly. Perhaps some of them had true conflicts and would have chosen differently. People deserve honesty and to know what they are spending time and money on, often a lot of it, to see.

If all this was not the case, your maiden name would have been your current name and perfectly appropriate to put in the invitation. The host determines venue, menu, invitations. Any color theme is typically limited to the wedding itself. If you were intent on a coed shower, which obviously means a lot more people, either she should have turned down hosting it or you should have not accepted once it became obvious the plans were not acceptable to you. She was wrong to ask you to make cupcakes. Just say no.
Ironically, calling it a “lunch with the bride” and not a shower is implies no gifts, which you said you wanted. It sounds to me as if SIL and MIL were trying to respect your wishes there. Do they, by chance know you are married? A “shower” by definition, obligates guests to bring gifts. Ditto for your original plan for a wedding shower. Shower = Gifts.
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Just Said Yes October 2023
Kimi · on June 11, 2023 at 10:23 AM
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Yes, my MIL is aware. A few family members are, and our wedding parties are. We just wanted to celebrate with our friends, together. Gifts are not important, the biggest issue is that I wanted my husband to be a part of everything. We wanted to be there together to celebrate with all of our friends. Now all of the invites don't mention him at all, and she has been making him feel like he is not welcome.
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Super October 2023
Alyssa · on June 11, 2023 at 10:42 AM
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So I'm not married but my FMIL wanted to throw us a buck and doe, which I shot down as I'm not a fan of basket raffles and thunk fundraising a wedding is weird. She was really hurt by that and is now planning to throw me a shower 🫠 I don't want a shower. I told her it's not necessary, however I told her my only rule is that my husband to be will be there with me.

I don't think it's uncommon to have your husband be there. You can point out that it's his day too. It's very toxic thinking hat the day is all about the bride. If your groom isn't excited to be getting married what's the point in the wedding lol

That being said beyond who and when, brides to be don't get a say in the wedding shower planned for them.

And honestly if it "isn't about you" then just don't show up, ya'know since it isn't even about you.😂

I'm also going to guess you got a personalized "Mrs. Newlastname est 2023" type of gift and that's why they asked about you changing your name.
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CM · on June 11, 2023 at 11:15 AM
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I suspected SIL and MIL are not calling it a shower intentionally since you’re getting questions from friends who aren’t sure whether they are being invited to a shower or a luncheon. Unfortunately, there are going to be even more confused and potentially resentful guests when they find out you have been married this whole time. I’m not sure what the point of a luncheon that doesn’t celebrate the fact that you’re married is when you will soon be having a big one that includes all the people you say you want to include.

The solution to your problem is simple. Cancel this party or call it what it is. Invite people to a “celebration of marriage” not a luncheon or a wedding.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on June 11, 2023 at 3:48 PM
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CM is correct. Cancel this party and have a party with the actual name of what it really is: “celebration of marriage” but come out with the truth to everyone now. Getting legally married secretly always backfires and creates confusion and resentment, despite people saying it doesn’t. Also, when you elope (marry legally in private), you give up all pre wedding parties, including showers, because none of them are invited to the legal ceremony. Any celebration you have afterwards at this point moving forward will be a vow renewal or moving on with your married life and having a regular get together with loved ones that does not have a wedding related title.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on June 11, 2023 at 4:08 PM
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All of this.
Also a shower/party is a gift to you from your family. As such, you don't really get to dictate exactly what will happen at the event, as it's meant to be a gift. You're looking at it more like something that you're owed, and that you get to control. I'd switch that perspective fast.
Having said that, you are within your rights to decline the party.
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Super December 2022
LM · on June 12, 2023 at 8:56 AM
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As a guest I would be double salty giving time, money, and well wishes at 2 parties to celebrate a couple that lied to me for a year. Not a fun dupe indeed.
Decline the shower as your husband is not invited. You're a legal and social unit now.
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Super September 2023
Kimberly · on June 12, 2023 at 9:40 AM
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I would also just decline the invitation. They can have a luncheon with their own friends if that’s what they want. Also, has your husband talked to them at all? Now that you’re married, you’re part of the family too, but these are his relatives causing a lot of confusion and drama. He should also be assertive with them. The easy way to call this off would be for him/both of you to remind them that you’re married and that a shower is not necessary.
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Super July 2022
Shannon · on June 12, 2023 at 11:35 AM
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A good friend of mine was married and I was a Bridesmaid. Well, the next day at brunch the bride and groom dropped a bomb on everyone that they got legally married the year prior. We all felt duped into believing the sharade that was supposed to be their first wedding. People were beyond pissed.

Her Mother didn’t speak to her for years. To this day, when she speaks about her wedding, someone always comments, “your real or fake wedding?”

I strongly caution you to rethink a surprise wedding and celebrate your existing one.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on June 12, 2023 at 1:53 PM
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I've heard numerous stories about similar situation. The wedding couple thinking it's "cute" to announce after the fact or during the wedding. It doesn't always go as the couple expects. It's a pretty major thing to hide, and kind of tricky way to start a new life together.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on June 12, 2023 at 4:41 PM
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It’s a divisive topic because people either say “guests have no business knowing the legal day because it’s not the real wedding and it’s the standard everywhere after Covid so if people don’t like it, we don’t want them in our lives” or “this is deceptive and disrespectful toward guests” with no middle ground. We have attended a few vow renewals that were posed as the actual legal wedding and the families tried to keep it secret but it got out before the ceremony and guests took their gifts and walked out before the reception and the couples are still talked about as being impolite and disrespectful. Just because something is popular doesn’t make it less awkward or uncomfortable which is what etiquette exists to avoid.
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