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Just Said Yes October 2020

I’m not inviting my mother to my wedding Help me let her down easy

Taelor, on August 23, 2020 at 9:48 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 10

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I know, it’s a shocker. Most of the women I know are very close with their mothers. My mother and I are the opposite. To make a long backstory short, she was abusive and toxic when I was growing up. When she was finally able to dump me at my dad’s house in high school and never look back, she did so without hesitation.

That being said, the decision to not invite her was a decision I made early on. However, I have invited my grandmother (her mom) and my aunt (her sister). I am not particularly close with either of them, but we exchange holiday cards and well wishes every year so it only seemed natural to invite them. (The same goes with my fiancé, he invited family members that he is not super close to, but still friendly with)
The issue comes now where my mom knows I am getting married because of my aunt and grandmother telling her about their invitations. It never occurred to them that she might not be invited. So they are coming to me, asking to resend her invitation because “it got lost in the mail.”
How do I tell them that she is not invited without being too harsh or affecting their own decisions to attend?
I’ve looked at forums and advice columns in regards to telling a family member they weren’t invited, but those are usually focused around distant family.

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Latest activity by Gab, on August 25, 2020 at 5:05 PM

Just Said Yes October 2020
Taelor · on August 23, 2020 at 9:53 PM
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(Also hoping for some advice on how to handle any possible backlash from my grandmother and/or aunt.)
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Expert January 2021
Katie · on August 23, 2020 at 9:56 PM
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Sorry you’re going through this. As tough as it may be, I think you need to tell your mom directly that she isn’t invited (whether it be text, phone, write a letter, whatever). If that’s not something you can do, you’ll have to just be frank with your aunt and grandma - if you were closer I’d recommend going directly to them but if they don’t understand the full dynamics of the relationship it may just be creating a bit of drama for them to have to deal with.
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Rockstar July 2022
Lisa · on August 23, 2020 at 10:01 PM
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I agree with the previous comment that, if you are able to, you could reach out to your mom directly (either a phone call or email or handwritten letter) to let her know that you're getting married, and that you aren't able to invite her. Otherwise, if reaching out to your mom directly isn't an option, I agree that talking with either your grandmother or aunt would be the next best option. If you talk with your grandmother or aunt, you could phrase it to them as something along the lines of, "We are limiting our guest list to those who we are closest to," or even simply, "Unfortunately, we aren't planning to invite her." I don't think you owe them any explanation on why she isn't getting an invite.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on August 23, 2020 at 10:05 PM
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I would tell your grandmother and aunt that you have made the decision not to invite your mother for various reasons and that you would appreciate for them to respect your decision.
I often feel that 'justifying' your decision helps people be let down easy as they can get some understanding as to why you've made that decision, however in this case your family might just hit back at what you've said.
Aim things around being respectful and courteous and that while you understand they might have expected you to invite her, that this is the decision YOU have made, and that they need to accept it.
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Master October 2022
Jana · on August 23, 2020 at 10:19 PM
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It's actually more common than people think. Let them know that you want to be surrounded by family and friends who love and support you. Leave it at that. You don't need to elaborate further.
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Super September 2021
Sharon · on August 23, 2020 at 10:23 PM
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Agree with others, let your grandmother and aunt know that you've decided not to invite your mother, you hope they understand and respect your decision and the decision is final, not open to discussion. I'm sure they know your past history with her so no need to get into details. If you're not in contact with your mother I wouldn't bother reaching out to her. Good luck.
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VIP May 2015
KiwiDerbyBride · on August 24, 2020 at 5:36 AM
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Don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). It only gives them something to argue with you about. I like mrswinter’s wording - tell them you’ve decided not to invite her for various reasons and you’d appreciate it if they respected your decision. If they ask for the reasons, just say that’s between you and your fiancé and you won’t be discussing it with them.
As for your mother, I would wait until she contacts you directly, to be honest. I wouldn’t poke the bear. You may wish to point out to your aunt and grandmother that your mother will not be permitted to enter the venue so if either of them was planning to bring her, they will be barred alongside her.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on August 24, 2020 at 3:06 PM
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I would just text/call/email your aunt & grandmother, and be honest with them. Just say you aren't inviting her so her invitation didn't get lost. You don't need to justify yourself, just like if that makes them not want to attend, they don't need to justify that to you. As for your mother, I'd wait to talk to her until she contacts you directly if she ever does.
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Master 0000
Judith · on August 24, 2020 at 6:31 PM
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You do not owe your mom any explanation, though a brief talk if she contacts you would be civil. Explain to aunts and grandmothers who bring it up that you and your mother have not been on good terms with each other for many years, and you have not and will not be inviting her. Discussion closed. Don't justify it, or people will try to convince you, or tell you it has changed. Just, that is the way it is. But I do hope you and other family will come! As I get older, I realize that in the future I would like to see you more often (? and have any children we have know you ?), and thought it would be nice to see you at our wedding. Say nothing bad about mom, except that you are not on good terms. You do not want to make them defend her. Just hear the fact: she will not be coming. This separation from mom sounds wise, and do not let anyone make you feel bad about it. 🙂 She likely is not above lying, and may tell them you are on better terms than you are. Old story.
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Beginner April 2023
Gab · on August 25, 2020 at 5:05 PM
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I am in a simialr scenario. What I did was give my mom a call, explain that I am having a small wedding with my dad's side of the family and close friends. The guest list is confirmed, but I offered for her to be a apart of a small process, so she is going to come with me and my fiance to pickup our marriage licesne.
This may not work for you, but including her in something super quick and small sort of made everyone happy.
Good luck, I know it is not easy. Overall wish you and your partner a happy life together!
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I’m not inviting my mother to my wedding Help me let her down easy

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