I'm excited to marry fh but not about navigating the holiday season.

This is one thing I’ve been concerned about since getting engaged as well. I even just talked to my dad about it yesterday because I’m worried my mom will be offended if we miss some holidays.


Both of our families are pretty understanding (at least I hope they will be) so I’m hoping there won’t be much issue. I think our plan is to do Thanksgiving with one side and Christmas Day with the other side and then we’ll just switch it the following year. It may get more complicated whenever our siblings get married but for now we’re the only ones that are engaged/in a serious relationship so it seems like the best solution for us for now.

You and your FH need to discuss and agree on how to split holidays between your two families. Ex. Thanksgiving with your family, xmas with his family this year. Vice versa for next year. Your in laws do not get to monopolize your holiday time. You also have family that wants to see you.


If this upsets your FMiL, your FH needs to stand up to his mother. Otherwise you have a huge FH problem.
If you're fighting over birthday celebrations, I'd recommend premarital counseling or conjoint therapy ASAP, before you get married

Yall need to start planning things between yall instead of it being all about his mom and his family. Sit down and hash things out and what your hopes and future expectations are so these issues don't become marital problems later. Combining families can be tough to navigate, but remember that yall come first, everyone else is second in your marriage.

This was actually one of the first things we sat down and discussed before even getting engaged. Holidays were really important to both of us and we both have multiple sides of the family we celebrate with. We also have a custody schedule with my daughter’s father for some of those holidays so that played a factor too. We celebrate Christmas Eve with his family, host Christmas for both sides (just my parents, our grandparents, and one of his aunts) and do Thanksgiving with my family. Easter we’ve gone back and forth between the families.


If your FH won’t tell his family no, I’d recommend couples counseling so you can both learn to set healthy boundaries with them.

This is definitely a tough one. We're fortunate that our families both live in the same town. My mom is the problem in my situation. My husband's parents understand that he cannot be there every year and my mom is dead set on us having Thanksgiving with them every year. One year we had a combined one, which was nice. Last year, I told her that we could not come. It's hard, but you two need to figure out how you want to spend holidays and then both people have to be firm with their families. You are a family and have to establish your own traditions, whatever they may be.

My thoughts on this differ a bit to previous posters but personally I don’t think it’s that big of an ask to spend at least part of the holidays with your in-laws within reason unless there is some underlying reason that puts you off this or if FMIL’s expectations are unreasonable and won’t be satisfied by a short visit / meal together.

Personally, I come from a very tight knit family that gathers for every celebration and my family would be devastated if we couldn’t at least join them for Christmas dinner (for example) so I can understand how your FH would feel about this. After 7 years together my FH still feels a bit like a fish out of water at our huge family Christmas (he comes from a very small family) but troops through it because he knows how much it means to me. Honestly, I feel so strongly about it that I probably wouldn’t be marrying him if he wouldn’t agree to spending the holidays with the family.

What FH and I do ourselves is spend Christmas Eve at my parents’ house for dinner (we celebrate on Christmas Eve the Eastern European way) and then visit his parents for a few days over Christmas or New Year as they are an 8 hour drive from us (for instance this year we will only leave to see them on 28 December because we are timing the visit to allow us to visit other family afterward in early January).

Though I agree that FH may need to manage his family’s expectations if they are unrealistic, I do think you need to compromise on this and be prepared to attend at least some of his family’s celebrations. If the birthdays are too much, I would suggest perhaps skipping the birthdays and only seeing them on Thanksgiving and/or Christmas or perhaps seeing them for the holidays every second year to allow you to organize your own plans or see your family in the alternate years.

My FH usually lets me make the plans for the holidays. Both set of parents are divorced so we have 4 family to get with and we do not work a typical M-F 9-5 schedule. So I try to plan in the advance.


Thanksgiving we have alternated but it also depend on our schedules. If we both work then we usually go to his dad’s since they live so close and the others are a much farther drive.
Christmas is another story. I try to plan our days with each family as early as possible. My mom started about 15 years ago to have the family Christmas the Sunday after so everyone could come relax and enjoy the time together, it has worked really well. His dad’s, I’ve already messaged his wife (we both like to plan ahead) and she has set a date for their get together so we know that day so we can get the day off and not plan others that day. His mom has to come in from out of state and is usually closer to Christmas Day. Once we have her date I arrange seeing my father. They’ve not done the traditional Christmas since my grandma passed and all their kids are adults. We usually go to their house hang out, eat some food, exchange gifts.
I watched my mom and stepdad deal with their 4 kids being pulled to all the other families. So them setting that date it’s known each year and it’s nice to be able to have parent that understand holidays will evolve.
Take it slow, try to sit down with him and each family and plan days. And decide what are must events for each of you. Hopefully your in-laws will adjust and find balance.

We went to couples counseling before we got engaged and we're in premarital counseling now.

Just to be clear, I don't have a problem spending time with FH's family on some holidays. One year FH's family came to my parent's house for Thanksgiving, we spent Christmas apart, and then we went away for NYE just me and him. I've been with his family for other holidays too. My fear is that everything will revolve around what his family wants. We need to spend time with my family too.

Ultimately my issue is whether FH can be more assertive with his family and not passively agree. I agree we should come up with our own plans first.

Get your issues worked out now before you even THINK about having kids!! That makes holidays even more stressful, as every grandparent wants time with the little ones. My ex and I worked it out perfectly..... Christmas morning was only US, then my parents came over about 9:30 and stayed for a lovely lunch. My mom would put the babes down for naps at 2:00 and her and dad would leave after. Kids woke up 4-ish and had snacks. Refreshed, we would head to his family's house for dinner.

Either way you decide, stick to your guns now, as it won't get any easier. Good luck!

My advice is similar to many others, so I’ll just add this: you two are now starting your family together. If that means seeing your parents, great. But this is no longer their holiday. If you want to take a vacation every Christmas as a family tradition, go for it. It’s your new family together, not his and yours.

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If the concern is more so making sure that you have time to spend with both families (and time for whatever you and FH want to do) then I would particularly encourage you to designate a game plan for how to accommodate everyone.

My SIL and BIL spend one Christmas with her family, the following Christmas with his, or you could do something such as have Christmas lunch with one family and Christmas dinner with the other?

Have a chat to FH and explain that you want to ensure that you spend time with both families and have time to yourselves and that he needs to stop agreeing to plans without consulting you first as it affects others too. Even more reason of having a 'plan of attack' may be beneficial as this way you both are aware of your holiday commitments in advance and there will be no reason to deviate from them except where necessary.

Only way to solve this is to have a conversation with FH about this issue specifically.

Holidays were an ever-evolving nightmare in our marriage to begin with, and your remark about your FH being passive makes me feel my story is valid for you. A bit long story ahead.

Originally, our holidays were split fairly - one year my parents got Thanksgiving and his family got Christmas Day, the next year his family got Thanksgiving and mine got Christmas Day. This worked fine for several years.

Then, his mom started pushing for more. One year we went to her place on Easter in addition to Christmas Day, when my family got Thanksgiving. Then the next year we went on Easter and Christmas Eve, in addition to Thanksgiving (with my family getting Christmas Day to follow our original alternating agreement). So now his family got three holidays when my family got only one. When I said that if they got Easter and Christmas Eve, my parents should get Thanksgiving and Christmas Day (so that however many holidays we're spending with families are split evenly) I was told that wasn't fair because those were the "more important" holidays and the others didn't count since my family didn't celebrate them anyway. (Nevermind that these so-called "extra" holidays were treated exactly like the two "important" holidays, with full dinners and spending 7+ hours at their house.)

I wanted to get back to our original "two holidays, one with your family and one with mine" agreement. That next year should have been Thanksgiving at my parents' and Christmas Day at his mom's if we followed our original agreement, and no Easter or Christmas Eve. So we skipped Easter. Then about two weeks before Thanksgiving he was told by his mom, "you're coming over for Thanksgiving since you didn't come for Easter, then, right?" And she still expected to also get Christmas Day because they didn't get it the year before. So at that point, she was expecting to get Thanksgiving and Christmas Day that year, leaving my family with no holidays - because we skipped the holiday that "didn't count."

He was trying to make his mom happy, so he just agreed to everything. I was furious.

So, I outright refused to go to any holidays at my in-laws' that year. No Thanksgiving. No Christmas Eve. No Christmas Day. When he said "well I already told my mom we'd go for Thanksgiving," I said, well, my mom is expecting us at her place, because your family got it last year and that was the agreement. You do whatever you want. So then he tried to have lunch at his mom's and come over to mine afterwards, in a feeble attempt to make everyone happy - he ended up not even getting to my mom's until 8pm because of a huge accident that he sat in traffic for three hours over. I offered zero sympathy and just said, this is what happens when you try to make everyone happy. You get spread too thin. And if you can't make everyone happy, then that means choosing who it's most important to make happy - and that's me.

My advice: decide which holidays you intend to spend with family. Whether that's only "the big two" (depending on your cultural traditions) or it's six spread throughout the year, establish them now. Discuss whether there are specific traditions that matter more to one side than the other and determine how that impacts the division of time. If you encounter situations like the above-mentioned one-side-only holidays, either decide that you will not spend those with family at all, or that they count toward the overall holiday count that is then split evenly. (Trust me, this is the only way this is fair.) Then, discuss it with your families together as a couple so everyone is on the same page. If you establish it firmly now, before the issues arise, it's easier to push back when someone tries to manipulate or alter the original agreement.

I'm glad I'm not the only one anxious about this, the only holiday we ever spent together prior to being engaged was Easter, and that's because his family eats at 3 and mine eats at 6, so it gave us time to see both, and even when we did this FMIL still complained (Despite Easter just basically being a regular Sunday dinner that occurs with his family EVERY Sunday).

FH isn't as into the holiday's as I am and though his family has their traditions, he doesn't hold them as dearly as I hold mine. We each have our favorite holiday's and I think that's how we'll handle who's family gets more time on those specific holidays.

He LOVES Thanksgiving (thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday) so we'll most likely do Dinner with his family, desert with mine.

Christmas is my FAVORITE holiday, I keep a year round countdown and start decorating on Halloween. I won't give up my Christmas Eve, so we are 100% doing Christmas Eve with my family, which also leaves room to swing by his parents as their Christmas eve tends to go much later than my families. Christmas Day, we'll most likely do dinner with my parents and desert with his family, I feel guilty not having dinner with my parents on Christmas Day because if we don't go they're alone, and my mom loves to cook a feast, while his family still goes to his grandmas and will be surrounded by extended family.

His family gets pretty much every summer "holiday" as they throw big picnics for memorial day, labor day and the 4th of July. Easter we'll probably still split cause it's not that big of a holiday for either of us.

My parents could honestly care less where we spend the holiday's it's me who feels guilty when we don't spend it with them, cause the holiday's I want to spend with them are holidays they don't spend with extended family so it leaves them alone, where as his family all live on the same property and are constantly surrounded by each other. His mom complains whenever I say we're going to my parents for a Sunday Dinner or a holiday, but I just remind her that I also have a family I need to see. We lived on his families property for 7 years and saw these people all day every day, and she would still complain when we went to my parents. I'll never make her happy, and I'm not gonna give up my traditions so I could go to his grandmas and do the same thing we do every Sunday.

Like everyone said, you have to discuss this and figure out what works for both of you and your families. It’s a good idea to try to be fair but if one family doesn’t particularly care for a holiday, it’s easy to decide to spend it with the family that does care.
We live 2hrs driving from my parents and a 5hr flight from his, but we still try to see his family when we can. We normally do thanksgiving with his parents (mine don’t care about thanksgiving since we aren’t from the US) and we do Christmas with my family since I live Christmas and I like to spend it with my parents. Get on the same page now

I have divorced Parents so I spend Christmas eve morning with my mom and then go with my dad Christmas eve and then we have Christmas day at home with the kids and then we visit my fiance parents Christmas morning day around noon.

Echoing others with you guys needing to find what works for you. Make sure each of you figure out what is most important to you (not your families) and try to make those things happen instead of trying to keep everyone happy. For example, the only time I refuse to miss my family's Thanksgiving is when my parents cook because my dad's food is amazing. The years that happens we make a plan to be sure we will be there to eat with them.

Thankfully all of our get togethers are within 45 minutes of each other and we only see my mom's family so there's only 3 to make instead of 4. The way we do things has evolved over the 5 years we've been together and will probably be totally different and weird this year as well due to both of us having grandfathers pass away and our grandmothers have moved. We've also agreed that we will not be doing as much as we do now once we have kids, so we're wearing ourselves a bit more thin now than we plan on in the future. My family is pretty lenient with everything but Christmas so usually they're the ones we reschedule with because it doesn't really matter. Except Mother's Day because both moms are super territorial over their day so we just split up for that.

For now we try to make all 3 Thanksgivings. We've skipped my family's before and have had a makeup with them at a different date. His mom is ridiculous and would throw an absolute fit if we didn't go to her family's every year because it's always scheduled earlier than anyone else's so technically we have no excuse to not attend, but the longer we've been together the more we've left early whether she liked it or not. My fiancé prefers his dad's side and we never see them because they live hours away and really don't celebrate any other holiday together (unlike his mom's family who celebrate everything) so we always make a point to go to their Thanksgiving.

Christmas is a bit easier because my family has always done Christmas Eve and his does Christmas Day. We do my large family Christmas and immediate family after and the next day will do the same with his family. I currently HATE the way we do this because growing up my family only had a large get together on Christmas Eve because Christmas Day was supposed to be spent at home with your immediate family. I'm used to a super chill Christmas Day, where he grew up with divorced parents and trying to make everyone happy so he's used to traveling a ton for Christmas. I've told him that when we have kids I refuse to leave our house at 10am to go do things with other people, so we'll see how that changes eventually lol.