Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Dedicated October 2020

I'm at my breaking point!!!

Nahnie2552, on June 14, 2020 at 4:27 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 16

Saved

Flag
Hide content

My fiance's mother passed away 3 days ago, unexpectedly. He'd finally relocated his job in my state just 4 days prior to that. Due to COVID we had to spend nearly 3 months apart! We met long distance and won't live together permanently until we purchase our home. We're in the process of buying a home as we speak; looking at houses with our realtor. He lives in the deep South and I in the Midwest. Well, we scaled down our wedding in October to be an elopment in 2 weeks. I'm cancelling our elopement bc of the funeral planning he put in place back in the south. I wanted him here with me. I wanted to marry, putting down my original wedding plans for a much smaller quiet elopement. Now my FH has gone back home to be with his family and hasn't given me a date on when he's returning. Last night, he invited me to his home country for the final burial then retreated back and said he didn't want me to be in harm's way with COVID and traveling. We normally talk multiple times a day on video chat and for hours and now we're scaled down to 10 min calls maybe twice a day. During our video call today, 5 mins in he said he needed to call his son (6 yrs from a previous marriage) to check on him bc he's really emotionally hurt and not coping w his grandma's death. I know everyone reading this will say I'm selfish in unsympathetic, however, I care. Its just I feel everytime I take 2 steps forward, 10 steps must be taken backward. I'm wondering if my FH will even want to get married at this point. Based on his timeline of upcoming events, nothing includes me. I don't think he cares about how I'm feeling at all. I know his main priority is properly burying his mother, being w family and consoling his son. I can only assume bc it's summer break he's going to spend the summer with his son like he always does as opposed to traveling back to be with me for the summer as planned to househunt. I feel overwhelmed and extremely anxious. He's not communicating the way he normally does and I'm FRUSTRATED! I know he has to grieve but I feel so alone in this. He litterally just got here and our summer has taken a turn for the worst. I cried earlier today bc I have no answers. Thank you in advance for commenting. I'm lost.

Flag
Hide content

16 Comments

Latest activity by Katharine, on June 15, 2020 at 12:06 PM

Legend June 2019
Melle · on June 14, 2020 at 4:29 PM
Flag

Hide content
I am sorry for your recent loss.
I think you just have to be there for him and support him even if it means he’s putting your relationship on the back burner for now - that sucks, I know but I think with everything going on, sometimes we just put stuff aside to focus on other things
- Reply
Dedicated October 2020
Nahnie2552 · on June 14, 2020 at 4:33 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Thank you, Melle. I really appreciate that advice.
- Reply
Expert September 2020
Emily · on June 14, 2020 at 4:38 PM
Flag

Hide content
The way you're feeling is valid - it is hard to feel isolated and also it seems like there's an element of "nothing you can do.". A lot of it is chaos that's completely out of your control. That is really tough to deal with.

The only things that can do would be those in your control - telling him the uncertainty and isolation is affecting you, even while all the negative news is impacting you both.
Best of luck in moving forward, I hope everything works out in the end.
- Reply
Devoted August 2020
Kate · on June 14, 2020 at 4:49 PM
Flag

Hide content
I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. You’ve already had the joy of an engagement ripped away by Covid, and now this. It’s extremely understandable that you are upset, and it’s hard when our significant others don’t communicate well, even if they have a very valid reason in doing so.

You are going to be his wife, and the stepmother of his child, so I would think if you want to take the risk and be there with him for his mother’s funeral, that should be up to you to decide. All you can really do is be there for him and put the elopement plans on the back burner for a little while. It’s hard and it isn’t fair, but his heart is busy dealing with this loss and he won’t be able to focus on other things right now. If it were me, I would go and be with him and try and be as supportive as possible. At some point, he will have to be able to talk to you about when you can realistically expect to move forward with your plans and your life together, but not until after his mother’s funeral is over and he’s had a little more time to process. If he is wishy-washy even in a month or so, I think more serious conversations will need to be had at that point.
I’m so sorry again and I’m sending you positive thoughts! 💕
- Reply
VIP March 2015
Nefetera · on June 14, 2020 at 4:52 PM
Flag

Hide content
Im sorry what you both are going thru. I know itll come to a pass.. It must. I understand how you feel. And to me its not being selfish its just how you feeling now. I don't feel this would stop or prevent you guys to not get married its just for now how it seem like a mess. I hope things work out and sorry for the lost of his mom
- Reply
Expert January 2021
Katie · on June 14, 2020 at 7:03 PM
Flag

Hide content
So sorry to hear this. I’ve seen your previous posts and was so happy for you when he made the move up north. I think give it some time as this is all still so fresh. I do think he should include you in the funeral as you are his future wife, have you told him you want to be there with him and support? (I’m sure you have). Hopefully it is just because everything is so fresh and he’s having to speak to so many people regarding what’s going on.
- Reply
Dedicated October 2020
Nahnie2552 · on June 14, 2020 at 7:20 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
So let me say, my FH is VERY reserved and quiet. We're polar opposites. He's a private person and if I know anything about him, this whole scenario is making him uncomfortable. He was having a hard time speaking w/ family who flew from out of town; had to force himself to socialize. He doesn't even like the idea of a photographer at our elopment; it's like pulling teeth. He's shy! I know he's really challenged in having to invite me to a funeral where I'm meeting many family members for the 1st time. We have a long distance relationship so this is all brand new, no matter what the circumstance. But I just wish he would step outside of his comfort zone and be a lot more communicative and forthcoming. I know he's dealing with a lot but I am too. No, I didnt get invited to the US funeral, only the out of country funeral and I'm baffled. I can only assume he doesn't want me there.
- Reply
Dedicated October 2020
Nahnie2552 · on June 14, 2020 at 7:22 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Thank you, Nefetera for your kindness. Just so frustrated.
- Reply
Super October 2020
Leslie · on June 15, 2020 at 12:56 AM
Flag

Hide content
I’m sorry to hear. I’m not sure why you aren’t by his side supporting him in this difficult time? Please don’t take that wrong but I assume there’s a reason you haven't joined him. Was his son going to join you this summer or was he returning to his former home. I will tell you there’s lots of vines related to a death of a parent including wills, property, goods from their home, money, etc. it’s more difficult when you live in a different state. He problems is disgraced and pulled in many directions. But don’t assume anything. They key to a long term relationship is communication. Ask him why you can do and what he wants you to do to support him right now. Giv some space and he will be able to return to your plans.
- Reply
Dedicated October 2020
Nahnie2552 · on June 15, 2020 at 4:50 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Thank you, Leslie. I'm going to assume he didn't invite me back to his home in the south bc I can't take off of work indefinitely (he'll be traveling to his home country for the final resting place as well) and also bc we met long distance. He's always flown here and I've simply met with his family via video chat. His job is 100% remote so he was the flexible traveler. Me going to the south to meet for the 1st time under this circumstance is probably overwhelming for him ...? Honestly, he's not communicating his feelings on the matter. He has a 6 yr old from a previous marriage and maybe I'm overthinking but I believe he doesn't want to deal with his ex and I in the same room supporting him. I honestly can't make sense of why he didn't invite me. It's a mystery and I refuse to ask and stress him even further. He did invite me to his home country for the final burial. This is where my frustration comes in ... I feel he's making big plans quietly on his own without consulting me. Like you mentioned, there are many vines, his son being on of them. He normally has his son for summer break. This is the 1st summer he chose to split the summer, staying w me in the Midwest to househunt and he planned to get his son at the very end of the summer (he really didn't want his son flying during this pandemic). My FH is VERY quiet yet calculated and it's starting to really upset me. Sadly this is not the time to express my emotions to him bc I know he can't focus on me right now. This is both our 2nd marriage, we got engaged within a year and I'm simply the bottom of the totum pole. I feel he's showing me my place in his life.
- Reply
Master August 2019
Rebecca · on June 15, 2020 at 5:13 AM
Flag

Hide content
Your feelings are totally valid!
Your FH sounds like he's totally overwhelmed, too, and I bet those 10 minute calls aren't enough for him, either. Hopefully, once the funeral planning is done, he'll have a little more time and will be able to talk more.
This whole situation is just terrible, and I'm so sorry.
- Reply
Dedicated October 2020
Nahnie2552 · on June 15, 2020 at 5:21 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Hi Rebecca and thank you for the support and validation! I'm mentally creating a timeline with no answers ... Another week for the 1st funeral, another month for the out of country burial and the entire summer to spend time with his son. I guess our pre-approval for our home is lost bc of the 90 day timeframe. I don't think we'll be officially physically back together until the fall. I'm at my breaking point bc this is EXTREMELY hard and I'm ready to give up on the relationship.
- Reply
Expert October 2021
Samantha · on June 15, 2020 at 5:24 AM
Flag

Hide content
Death of a parent is one of the most stressful events in a person's life. From your writings, they appear to have been very close. Unfortunately, your desire for him to be more communicative may not be in his capacity at this time. More often than not, the mind shuts down and can't process all of the emotions. I understand your sadness and frustration, you are going to have to find a way to cope. If I remember, you are religious, prayer and speaking to your religious advisor may help. As hard as it is you must understand that he is completely and utterly emotionally raw. If you are able to, you should just go and be with him. He may not be able to think rationally, thus the confusion of you being invited, (my friend wanted to go to work the same day his Father passed, he just couldn't process what had happened. Hit him much later on.) This is one of those hard times that relationships go through. How you both deal with this moment sets a precedent. I wish you peace and serenity during this difficult time.
- Reply
Dedicated October 2020
Nahnie2552 · on June 15, 2020 at 5:32 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Thank you, Samantha. Yes, I had to pray about it last night. I feel heartbroken bc he has shut down and we don't have years together where I could understand his actions. We got engaged within a year so we're both figuring our relationship out daily. We kinda had love at first sight and jumped in; we started talking about getting married on date 3. This is unexpected and really highlights we don't know EVERYTHING about one another.
- Reply
January 2019
MOB So Cal · on June 15, 2020 at 10:56 AM
Flag

Hide content
I understand how this is probably really frustrating and stressful for you, especially because it sounds like your relationship is pretty new and you and FH haven't actually spent much time in the same location. The death of a family member is traumatic, especially if it's unexpected (and I think you said this was). There is a LOT to sort out and attempt to come to terms with regarding family relationships. Given that your relationship is less than a year old, and his family has never met you face-to-face, it's probably easier/more natural for him to just deal with things on his own. My husband and I had been married ~25 yrs when my dad died, and we lived about an hour from him and saw him frequently. My husband was VERY close to my dad, and even then, he didn't generally get involved in the time I spent with my mom and siblings immediately after his death. Yes, husband attended the funeral and other major gatherings, but he also gave us plenty of space to grieve and make the necessary arrangements together. Honestly, if you truly believe marrying him is the right thing, I think you should try to have enough confidence in him and the relationship to give him some time and space to deal with this the way he needs to. If you're meant to be together, there will be plenty of time after he gets through this traumatic time. For now, I'd be loving and supportive, but on his terms. Good luck to you.
- Reply

Expert July 2021
Katharine · on June 15, 2020 at 12:06 PM
Flag

Hide content
All I can say is that grief can make people pull away and shut down emotionally (temporarily) so that they can get through everything that needs to be done in these situations. I know I did when my brother passed away unexpectedly. For most people, it's not something that can be easily compartmentalized so that he can give you the attention you want and still process his grief and deal with everything that needs to be done.
It sounds like your best option to get through this is to just let him know that you're here for him in whatever way he needs from you, and then to let him tell you what he needs or wants. Try not to internalize his current emotional state as something that is a reflection on his feelings for your or your relationship with him. What he is dealing with has nothing to do with you.
Your feelings are perfectly valid but, as someone else mentioned, this is your first real test of your relationship. They're not always 50/50. Sometimes they're 30/70 and one of you has to give a little bit more when the other is in need. And he is absolutely in need right now.
I know it's frustrating and hard to practice but, if the love is real, then a little patience and understanding right now will go along way. Give him some time, and a little room to tell you what he needs (you may need to give him the opening or prompt him gently by asking what he needs from you right now).
- Reply

Lifestyle How to Deal with Taking a Break in a Relationship Set the ground rules for success.

The Best TV Shows to Watch While Wedding Planning (Or When You Need a Break) — Trends & Tips The Best TV Shows to Watch While Wedding Planning (Or When... Need some background noise as you’re compiling your guest list or researching...

24 Anniversary Gift Ideas for Your Parents That Will Win You Major Points — Relatives 24 Anniversary Gift Ideas for Your Parents That Will Win You... We get it: mom and dad can be tough to shop for. These anniversary gifts for...

Post content has been hidden

I'm at my breaking point!!!

16 Comments

Related articles