I’m a Moh, but don’t want to be, can i suggest to the bride another?

If the only issue is giving a speech, I would just speak to the bride and explain the issue. There is nothing that says the MOH has to give a speech (or that anyone has to give a speech at all). If the bride would like someone to speak, she could have a BM do it or another friend or family member. My fiancé has extreme anxiety about giving speeches in front of crowds. He was recently the best man at one of his friend’s weddings, and when he expressed to the groom that he would not be able to give a speech at the reception, the groom immediately said he understood and it was OK, and just had one of the other groomsmen give the speech instead. Nobody questioned it, or thought it was strange. If you are the MOH in this wedding, you are obviously one of the nearest and dearest people in the bride‘s life. I’m sure she will have nothing but empathy for your situation.

If the only reason you don't want to be the moh is because of the speech then I agree with the previous poster about telling the bride you are uncomfortable giving a speech at the reception. My moh (my sister) didn't want to do a speech at my wedding so I asked my bride's man (my brother) who is used to that kind of thing as he's a very active community member and has give all kinds of speeches and things and he was more than happy to do it and very honored I asked him.

View Quoted Comment I think it’s not just that. I feel like her and her other friends are so much closer. Her and I have drifted apart. I was at her bachelorette party a month ago and I was sort of invisible. I feel like she definitely wants a speech. And her SIL, would be better for other people. Like maybe she could even be the matron of honor. I just tell her bridesmaids prefer her anyway. Trust me though, speeches will be involved. I just know I love my friend but I won’t be able to give her what she deserves on her big day. As far as a speech

If you don’t feel close to her, feel free to decline the position and have an honest discussion with her. It doesn’t mean that you are not supportive of her, contrary to popular opinion. Many women do not feel comfortable as a bridesmaid for various reasons (finances, closeness to the bride, too emotionally draining, etc) and all of those are valid and no one should ever be told they are wrong for those feelings/situations but unfortunately they are shamed and ostracized as a result. Yes many brides feel that toasts are a requirement and don’t accept no for an answer, but that is not the quality of a true friend who respects your comfort level. They are not a requirement and it’s not a reason to demote an attendant or other guest or burn bridges, which is a direct result of demoting a bridesmaid.


However it’s not your place to suggest an alternative maid of honor because she has chosen who she wants for the position. She needs to accept and respect your comfort level and boundaries.

View Quoted Comment I agree. Do you think if I approach it like.. hey I am so honored to be but I don’t think I’ll be able to do you justice on the big day. I’m really uncomfortable with being the center of attention involving a speech and I don’t want to embarrass u if I can’t deliver. My mental health recently just makes me feel like it won’t be possible to be the MOH I feel u deserve. Could I be just a bridesmaid?

View Quoted Comment Giving a speech or toast isn’t an obligation of the MOH role so why step down without giving your friend the benefit of the doubt that she might support you and understand. She chose you as MOH for a reason. Put the ball in her court with respect to a speech. Maybe she will surprise you.


The best man, parents, or anyone at all else can make a brief toast, which is all that is traditional , or give a speech. Most guests actually appreciate it when these are shorter and fewer. At this point, if you can manage the bridesmaid role, all you’d really be turning down is standing next to her on the day, holding her flowers etc.
It’s not appropriate for you to tell her to replace you or with whom. In her place, if you insisted on stepping down I would not offend a SIL by offering her the title as a second round pick. It’s an honor and a relationship, not a job.

View Quoted Comment The main issue is the way I was just treated on the bachelorette party. Her group of friends was there and not only did she ignore me but her friends did too. I have just zero desire to be apart of anything. I thought we were great friends but I was essentially invisible. I tried to get to know but there was literally about 3 bridesmaids that didn’t respond to anything I said. And would pretend like I wasn’t speaking. The wedding is coming up soon, I just honestly don’t even know if I want this friendship anymore. She really hurt me. I didn’t need to be like “babied” but she ignored me practically the whole time. I feel like my heart is broken 😔

View Quoted Comment

Would it be worth having a friendship conversation as opposed to a wedding related chat? Let her know how you're feeling?

View Quoted Comment Ya for sure. I just got back from the trip so I’m still not really ready to bring it up but I will be. I feel bad bc I almost feel like if I was more fun and less socially awkward sometimes maybe she would of been nicer. But I felt rejected and i kept trying and she was just on cloud 9 with her other friends. I’m never the life of the party but I love her and wanted her to have fun, but it’s like she didn’t know me at all.

View Quoted Comment

I think a conversation might be good to have at some point, but yes that sounds really hurtful. She clearly loves you or you wouldn't be the MOH in the first place. It's OK to be exactly who you are!