I wanted some outside perspectives on the situation. I am not sure how to proceed. I have known the bride my entire life, and she was my MOH last year. There was a lot of tension during my wedding planning regarding her communication and her treatment of my mother. I did confront her about it, and I thought our issues were resolved and we had moved past it. N ow, I am not so sure.
First, the bride did not tell me she got engaged. I found out via social media. I have never had a close friend or family member get engaged and not personally tell me before they posted to social media. Maybe I am being overly sensitive but that definitely hurt my feelings.
When she did start planning, she took a while to announce her bridal party. I was almost expecting not to be in it given the tension from working together at my wedding. She would text me hypothetical questions about wedding details, which only further made me feel like I would not be a part of things. She shut down most things I had suggested and resources and decor I offered. Although she did send some pictures of dresses she liked, she was not very receptive to offering up any ideas or plans to help me understand what she did want. Again, I took this as she did not want me to be a part of things. I was not upset, it is her day and she can handle it however she wants to. When she finally did announce her bridal party, she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I said yes.
After asking all of the girls to be in the wedding she made a group text and assigned sone of us duties. I assume there is no maid of honor, but I cannot say that with certainty. I was assigned to coordinate one of her pre wedding events, along with Jill, another bridesmaid. Two other girls were assigned to plan the other pre wedding event, and the rest of the girls were told they were welcome to talk with the leads for the events if they would like to help with them.
Angela was not assigned to anything, but texted me and Jill stating she would be happy to help with the event. Jill responded that the bride had already discussed with her what she wanted, and she already started planning. She said that the bride had requested a theme and detailed how she wanted to theme to be executed. I was not asked if I wanted to coordinate this, nor did the bride communicate any details, expectations, requirements or things to avoid for this event. The only information I had regarding this event is what Jill communicated to me and what the bride posted in the group text. I reached out to the bride asking her what her expectations are for the event, and the bride said she trusts whatever we do will be fine. I know that is not the case as she has communicated details to Jill. Jill did not offer to share the ideas she had for planning, and the bride has not been forthcoming about what she wants or expects.
When I ask the bride anything, she either gives vague or riddled answers, or contradicts something she previously said. Anything I have suggested before or after being chosen as a bridesmaid has been shut down. When I, and the other girls, all agreed with the ideas she proposed, she called us "useless" for not offering genuine input. I am trying to be supportive, but that is really hard when she is not giving me any info or input and shuts down anything I have to offer without explanation. She has made it clear that agreeing with her is also not acceptable, so I am not really sure what I am supposed to say.
I was hoping to meet with her to discuss my feelings, and I have been trying to meet with her since January. We were supposed to meet in early January, but I got COVID. Since, I have tried to reschedule several times to meet with her. She only suggests going out to bars, and when I have suggested other ideas she does not seem open to doing anything that involves one o n one time. My husband has even noticed that she seems to shy away from spending time with just me.
I am a very direct person, and I have always been open about my feelings with her. I have considered asking to not be in charge of the event, or even stepping down as a bridesmaid. Our differences created tension in our relationship and stress at m y wedding events, and I do not want to be a source of stress or anxiety at her wedding or events. No matter how I say this to her, I fear she will just think I am being unsupportive. I bought a home a year ago, and I found out this weekend that she has expressed to our mutual friends that she doesn't believe I actually have that much to do to maintain a home. She expressed that I use housework as an excuse to get out of things. We are at different stages in our lives, and I can tell she didn’t understand some of the responsibilities I have. I did not realize she felt that it was this big of an issue. If she truly felt that way I wish she would have spoken to me about it, and it hurts that I found out secondhand because she was talking to other people about it . Finding this out also makes me wonder if she has other feelings that she is not expressing to me.
At this point, I feel like I was added to her wedding party because she felt like she had to add me more than she wanted to add me. I value her friendship, but we have very different lifestyles and communication styles. We have not found a good way to address and coordinate our differences. I am already seeing issues arise that led to huge disputes when working together on my wedding, and I am afraid that continuing to work together could ruin our relationship. I would love to speak to her, but she does not seem to want to be in a space to talk to me.
Am I overthinking or being selfish? Is there a good way to discuss this with the bride? Is the potential fallout of backing out of the wedding worse than the potential fallout of staying in it? I just want to be laugh, dance, sing and celebrate with her on her wedding day.
