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Sylvia
Dedicated August 2019

Ignoring my wishes: Bringing a plus one anyway

Sylvia, on June 17, 2019 at 5:38 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 28
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We are having a small wedding/reception due to financial reasons. Because if this, we are limiting the people we've invited to close friends and family. Ive had to tell some VERY close friends and family Ican't invite them. My five had had to do the same. My sister and I talked about this extensively months ago for the same reasons. I told her I'd if let her know if we can add another person IF someone cancelled. She sent little insinuating notes via our family text chat to which I reminded her of the same.

Today she let me know she and someone else are flying in a few days before the wedding. I reminded her about the conversation because I want to avoid drama.

She then said she feels "awkward" because they'd expect to come and that not coming would put their relationship in jeopardy. Oh.... and here's the kicker... she can't come if I don't let the other person come.

Im so frustrated because we are sooooooo overwhelmed financially. I already shared this with her but she's trying to guilt trip and manipulate me. Ive had to turn cousins down, my close prayer sisters, great friends, etc... down and they understood but she's pushing her way.


What should I do? Am I seeing this the wrong way?

28 Comments

Latest activity by Sylvia, on June 28, 2019 at 11:16 PM
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    Is she in a relationship with this person? If so, I think you should accommodate. If not, tell her you're sorry, but she needs to figure it out (and stop letting this person control her) or not come.

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    Is the other person her significant other? Or just a random person?

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  • Rachel
    Super July 2019
    Rachel ·
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    If she paid all extra costs for this person would you be ok with it? That’s one option since she seems really stubborn.
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  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    I hate that! Ugh. That is so frustrating. It's like... If I told you this a long time ago and you understand my situation then why make things difficult for me.
    I would say no, sorry. Unless you had a cancellation and there's suddenly room, I don't think I'd do it. I would if there wasn't a financial strain but because there is, you just have to stick to your guest count.
    People can be really annoying about plus ones. They act like they're so entitled to having it. You're there for as a guest to celebrate that couple - not because you wanna make it a date night!
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  • Iva
    Super September 2019
    Iva ·
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    I agree with pp. Who is this “someone else”? If it’s a friend of hers or someone she just started casually seeing, I would be firm & tell her no. If it’s her long term partner, I would accommodate them since she is your sister.
    Another option (although probably unpopular one): since she is your family, you can let her bring this someone if she covers cost of their plate 🤷🏻‍♀️
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  • Jordan
    Expert September 2019
    Jordan ·
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    I too have a VERY strict rule on plus ones, but....for guests traveling out of town it is customary to allow a plus one because most people don't like to travel alone. The thing that I don't like is that she is trying to bully you into giving her a plus one at this point. Idk if one more person will break the bank or not but it is probably best to just allow her to bring the person.

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  • MrsJohansson
    Expert June 2019
    MrsJohansson ·
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    No is no. I think that's disrespectful. IMO it doesn't matter to me if its her partner or friend.. neither are required to go.


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  • M
    VIP December 2019
    Michelle ·
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    Either she would pay for the other person or she just wouldn't be there. My sister and her BF are always off and on. As I was making my guest list I said should I put him down as a guest she said oh no I'm done with him. I said you always get back with him. Just so you know I will not be able to add him later. I am putting someone else in his place. Now she's back with him and wants him to come. I told her she has to pay for him if not then that's too bad. And the venue already knows if they are not on the list they can not come in. Good Luck!!

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  • B
    Dedicated August 2019
    Blag ·
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    Tell your sister that you put your foot down many times and laid down the lines early on and she needs to figure the mess out for herself which means she needs to tell her plus one that she messed up. She needs to honor your requests period. If she can’t do that then she doesn’t need to come anyways.
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  • Melissa
    VIP September 2019
    Melissa ·
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    If it’s not someone she is in a romantic relationship in, then hold your ground. She knew your wishes as did the rest of the family and she chose to make travel plans with the intent to go against your wishes. I’d tell her that her guest is not invited and if that will ruin her relationship with that friend then that is on her bc she’s the one that decided to invite this person full well knowing your guest restrictions. I’d be super pissed.
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  • A
    Devoted July 2020
    Ali ·
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    Personally, if she can't follow the rules then bye. I'm sorry if this is harsh but rules are rules. Unless you're okay with the extra person, then did is sol.
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  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
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    I'd uninvite my own sister over this. No is no you told her a long time ago. If she refused to respect boundaries you can't blame anyone but her.
    If you want to be nice you could tell her she has to pay for her guest in full before the wedding but I'm not sure it's worth it.
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  • W
    Savvy December 2015
    Woman On The Go ·
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    We were fairly strict also, although I tried to give everyone a plus one, especially the people in relationships, newer or older. I would tell my sister no, or I would say you better Venmo me $175 right now for that rando (or bf/date?) because that was the cost per person for us.
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  • Jennifer
    Super September 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    Maybe I'm the worst person on the planet, but I'd probably have just said "that's unfortunate that you wont be able to attend." And carried on with my plans. Simply just due to the manipulation and silliness of her behavior. We are in the same situation as you are with guests and I will not be wavering in our set plans. Now, we have been bargain hunting and doing things very smartly, so there's a good chance I'll have some wiggle room when it's time to send out the invites, but that's our decision to make as it is yours. It's not her place to be doing what she is doing to you especially when you could invite someone you want there instead.
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  • Brandi
    Devoted September 2021
    Brandi ·
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    Hey it's your day and your wishes. You shouldn't have to pay for someone you did not invite. It's not fair to make you feel bad about it. Tell her how you feel. If she is willing to pay for her "company" then let her . My sister is being the same way but a MOHZILLA. ITS F frustrating but I had to tell her. It's my wedding my day my choices. Support or go. Good luck and congratulations
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  • karen
    Master October 2017
    karen ·
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    I would be livid at her totally disregarding your instructions. If she was not willing to come without her plus one, she should have told you.

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  • Gabriela
    Dedicated November 2020
    Gabriela ·
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    If it’s her S.O I would let her, depending on how they have been together. If the relationship is fairly new, then sorry, but if they have been together for awhile I would accommodate. If it’s merely a friend, then obviously stand your ground and tell her you can’t afford it and if she wants the friend there to pay for it.
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  • T
    Expert May 2010
    Theresa ·
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    My fellow Worst Person self would have said "Sorry to hear you can't make it. We'll miss you!"

    Manipulators drive me crazy. And it's not just about money, it's that you didn't invite people you actually wanted there. Her paying for her uninvited guest can't fix that aspect. I'd stay firm and tell her the plus 1 can't come to the wedding.

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  • Angerra
    VIP August 2019
    Angerra ·
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    Whether it's a significant other or not, if you're unable to accomodate her plus one or can only do so if someone does not attend, then that's what it is. She should respect that. She should not bring this person because it'll be weird or awkward. That's a conversation for her and the other person to have.

    Your sister can either pay for her guest (prior to the wedding so she doesn't slip through the cracks), she can attend alone, or you can allow her to bring the extra person.

    One of my bridesmaids was in her sister's wedding last month and couldn't bring her bf because of the plus one policy. However, she still attended and was part of the wedding. I also didn't hear about her and her bf having issues because of this.

    Some people just don't get how much weddings cost, big or small.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Tell her NO. And that if she chooses not to come to her own sister's wedding because of it, now you know how important you are in her life. Less than a short term boyfriend. As for folks who say plus ones should be given to people so they would not have to travel alone: women and men fly alone all over the country, and the world, alone. Some, 3x a week on business. Not enough of a reason.
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