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Just Said Yes September 2020

If one family can't come due to covid, should neither family attend?

Alyssa, on July 12, 2020 at 10:10 AM Posted in Community Conversations 0 8

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Our original wedding was set for 50 guests in April and was postponed to September. We scaled down to 25 guests and this would currently be allowed in our state with social distancing, possibly masks. My fiance's mom is high risk in age and preexisting conditions and she would have to take a 6 hour flight to get here. We are looking into her taking a train with a private room to help minimize her risk.

The issue is that my fiance's 5 groomsmen would also need to take a 6 hour flight and could not take the train because it would take too long and they need to get back to work. They do not have the money for flights or hotels, so we paid for all 6 flights and planned for them to stay in our house, about 2 people per bedroom. We're thinking that even if his mom takes a train and is safe, if someone of the 8 people staying in our house was infected, she would likely get it. I'm not sure if getting his mom and/or the groomsmen hotel rooms would help since I'm sure they would come to our house anyway to avoid being in a hotel alone for the entire visit other than the wedding.

We are now considering postponing the reception and only having a small private ceremony. We are trying to decide if his mom should still come for it on the train, or if she should watch virtually and come to the postpone reception whenever that may be. If my fiance's mom cannot come, it seems unfair to have my mom, dad, brother, and grandfather get to attend when he will have no one. My mom has been very vocal about her concerns of my fiance's side staying in our house and is pushing for a small ceremony with local guests who would be all my side. She has offended my fiance saying that she doesn't want them to come when his side is actually coming from a state with declining cases and ours is in the top 5 increasing states.

What would you do? Would you have a ceremony with just you and your fiance since both sides can't come? I'm thinking a private ceremony might help keep up the excitement for when we do get to have a reception. It doesn't seem fair that one parent has to miss their child's wedding and the other does not. I'm not trying to punish my mom and want to make everyone happy here, but I feel like none of these options will.

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8 Comments

Latest activity by Leanne, on July 12, 2020 at 3:14 PM

June 2021
Dj Tanner · on July 12, 2020 at 10:21 AM
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I would personally just postpone the whole thing until next year. You and your fiancé already know you’re going to be together for the rest of your lives as much as it sucks believe me I know, but what’s one more year? If you wait until next April that’s not even a full year away. I’m almost certain things will definitely calm down by then. You could even think about scheduling it for May or June. This will also give your bridal party more time to save money.
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Master July 2019
Hannah · on July 12, 2020 at 10:22 AM
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I would definitely not ask that his mother (or anyone really) travel so far during this time. If they're coming from a state with declining cases, they may even have to quarantine for 14 days after coming back. My state (NJ), along with NY and CT have that rule for I think 19 states at this point. Whether or not you have local people attend is up to you and your fiance. If he feels fine with his side only being present virtually, then I don't see the harm in it. Otherwise, having them all virtual sounds like a good idea.
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Master October 2021
Mrs.a · on July 12, 2020 at 10:33 AM
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At this point I am afraid it is just too unsafe. We’re having an elopement with just our parents, (they each only live an hour away), because of their age and FMIL being immunocompromised. Our larger renewal/celebration is going to be postponed until next year. I would hold off if you can, or maybe just do it virtually for everyone.
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January 1895
Jessa · on July 12, 2020 at 11:07 AM
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I think it depends on how your FH feels and he should get the last say. If he is okay with marrying without his family there, then proceed with the small wedding plan. If he is not okay, then a private elopement for two is the solution (or postponing until everyone can be present) You are equals in this marriage and should each have equal say.
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Devoted October 2021
Danielle · on July 12, 2020 at 11:57 AM
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Yes I’m in NY Mid-Hudson valley and there’s 19 states where if you come from them, you must isolate for 14 days at the minimum or else you may be fined and what not. To be honest I don’t see that rule going away soon and maybe lasting throughout the year for safety reasons. My brother is in NC and I know by this point it’s probably not going to be able to come as well as my FH best friend from FL. About a week or two ago the list wasn’t as high as 19. Seeing other states act reckless it’ll probably go up. NY is one state that really isn’t tolerating the chance of a second wave due to stupidity
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Master 0000
Judith · on July 12, 2020 at 1:13 PM
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I would have the mostly one sided ceremony. It is totally unfair to restrict others with no problems, because of hers. Perhaps instead of having her watch it live on video, just you two could travel to her in the next few months and sit with her to show her your video. And with a few other people from her area, either ones you did not think would come, or not as close, or family friends, or a couple of her friends. Do what you can to add to her experience, don't cut out others so they can be as deprived as she is. We have some scattered family in US and Canada, as well as a lot in small closeby areas, and many in Scandinavia. Some you can only travel to or from at limited times. Many with close ties to people 3,000- 7,000 miles away are used to having the couple travel to two places, rather than moving 60-100 at great cost. Make the best of going to mom with a small dinner party and video. A private showing where you have gone out of your way for her likely will be easier on her physically and mentally than travel, and Covid worry. And make her feel special. Important for her age and health. Important for your family unity.
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Expert August 2021
Sara · on July 12, 2020 at 1:20 PM
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If you must get married this year, I would elope just the two of you and postpone everything for next year. This whole situation is hard, but it would suck not having one side of the family not be able to come. Good luck and congrats!
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Super September 2020
Leanne · on July 12, 2020 at 3:14 PM
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I agree with a comment above, elope and do a reception later. You’ve already gone way above and beyond with buying people’s airfare. She will be devastated I’d think to miss her sons wedding and know other people were able to go.
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