If i dont invite my stepbrother to my wedding i may lose my flower girl & ring barer and walk down the isle alone

I am so sorry you are going through this, I know how it feels. I too have a family member that I wish didn't have to be invited for similar reasons. However, it was more important to me to have my grandmother there and not create a bigger problem in the family. Now, one would hope that at a wedding he wouldn't get violent as this would be counter productive to their whole family's image. I might suggest to sit down with your step-dad, and step-sister and express your concerns. You may not want to deal with confrontation, but this is a situation where you may need to. Sit down with them, calmly express why you are nervous/apprehensive. Tell them that you are concerned about potential situations that could occur. Ultimately though, it comes down to deciding what is more important to you. Not having him there, or having your other family members there. It seems a bit strange that if he is truly mentally/physically abusive that your dad's family would be supportive of him, but I am not one to judge. So just approach them as an adult and have these hard conversations with them.

Lots of families have some kind of drama about a misbehaving family member. But there is a big distinction between someone causing a scene & someone who is physically & mentally abusive to your mom or others. If your stepbrother is physically abusive, as you say, I would personally not be inviting him. Physical violence or any abuse is just unacceptable in my books, so I would not budge on this one, no matter who else will not come. I would however have a sit down with your stepdad & stepsister & explain to them how I feel & why this is a huge deal & how I would love to have them come. After that, ultimately it’s their choice.

One big question I have is how does your mom feel about all this? Does she just live the life being physically abused by her stepchild? Breaking bones, which you mention, is a crime that should be discussed in court. Does your stepdad tolerate this behavior towards his wife? Will you be creating even bigger problem for your mom if stepbrother, stepsister & stepdad don’t come? I think her input on this whole situation is crucial.
Good luck & hope you resolve this!

I wouldn't want that person at my wedding but from the sounds of it, this family unit is still intact. So, if you don't invite him you are alienating your step sister and step father. I'm guessing that if your mom is still married to your step father, and he feels this way, it is likely that she still has ties to your step brother. You have to do what you feel is best, but realize that they may not be bluffing. If you feel like you must invite your step brother, hire security. They can handle him if he becomes unruly. I'm very sorry that you are even in this situation.

Im so sorry you are having to deal with this, but you have to keep in mind this is your day and if he were to be there and ruin it that would stay with you forever. As far as family if they truly loved you and wanted what was best for you they would support your decision to not have him there knowing his behavior. Is he the type who would cause a bigger scene if invited knowing he wasn't on the original guest list? If so I would stick to your original plan and have him not come and just look for a different ring barrer and flower girl...

As far as walking down the aisle you could always have your Mom walk you if y'all are close

I second what Becca said. Try to sit down with your stepfather and stepsister. If they still don't see your point of you, then your catering budget will be way cheaper. Honestly, if people are going to support an abusive person over me, I would rather not have their support. If you truly mean as much to your stepfather as he does to you, then he will be there to support you. If he chooses his abusive son over you, well he's probably not someone you want walking you down the aisle.

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Oh my gosh! The thought of him actually causing a bigger scene for not being on the original guest list never even crossed my mind, but to answer your question, Yes he definitely is that type of person. Thank you for your reply. This definitely gives me something else to think about.

You do not need a flower girl or ring bearer.

Please accept that even if you have regarded your stepfather as a dad, HE will likely regard his kids as his kids, and you as a place behind. People who think that step and half relatives are all the same are asking for heartbreak.

Talk to your mom, but hopefully this does not create a problem for her.

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Completely agree with Hannah. If they're going to choose someone abusive over you, then they can have him. You don't need deniers or enablers in your life.

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Thank you for your reply. My mother, as usual, did exactly what I expected and took the high road. She reminded me that this is my FH and my day and everyone including her will just have to accept whatever decisions we make and if they dont agree, no one is forcing them to come. However, yes, knowing my family it will create a lot of problems for my mom. The cold shoulder routine towards her has already began. This is their intimidation tactic. As far as the violence towards my mother, my SB broke her arm several years ago when he was in his teens, drugs and alcohol played a big part in his behavior. My dad at first said he wasn’t getting in the middle of it and then ultimately sided with my SB, telling my mom that my SB had told him a totally different story and he believed she provoked him, and she had no one to blame but herself. And for reference my mom is a very tiny person, barely 5’ and 100 pounds. My SB is about 6’4 and 250 pounds. (A little background, my SB was always able to control my dad and the situation by crying and telling him he was never around when he was growing up so it was all his fault if he turned out bad because he had no strong father figure in the picture when he was young. My dad was in the military and was deployed!!! Yes, this always works on him, which is why my mother hasn’t ran away screaming. Not to dive too deep into it, she has been told by therapists and Psychologists that it is not uncommon for the person who was serving to feel guilt and go out of their way to make it up, even if its as ridiculous as the situation my mom was in.)

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Wow, that is tough... Thank you for sharing. Honestly, now that you explained in more detail, the situation for me goes way above the wedding & the guest list. If it was just about you, for me the choice is clear, do not invite abusive SB & anybody who decides to support abusive behavior doesn't have to come either (I would say you are better off, no matter how hard it might be for you). But with your mom in the middle of it, and she being the one who will be impacted by the decision the most, I don't know what to say... I just wish your mom can get out of that situation all together, because she doesn't deserve to be treated that way

That's so not fair to you and your mom, and I'm so sorry you are going though this. I have a similar situation with my parents - my mom likes to get drunk and cause a scene and my dad was arrested at my college graduation for a public fist fight. I haven't spoken to either of them for some time and neither will be invited to the wedding. My brother and my aunt, who is my dad's sister and my godmother, might not come if he's not invited. I haven't sent STD's out yet, so I haven't actually had to deal with this situation like you have.

My advice? If your stepbrother causes scenes do not invite hi. Is that how you want to remember your wedding day? I don't have any pictures of my college graduation because I was hysterical crying with a puffy red face because of my father. I decided that's not how I'm going to remember marrying the love of my life. And when I am asked, I will explain it, as you should. Explain to your stepsister and stepfather why that's the case, they need to look past the obligation of blood and understand the situation. I sincerely hope everything works out for you. Lots of love

I'm so sorry you need to go through this, some people just don't know when to be adults. We're facing something similar with my FBIL who also has a history of alcoholism. He and my FSIL are going through a divorce and he's been well...an ass about the whole thing. FBIL has gone as far as forbidding FSIL from bringing their two sons to my FILs house for gatherings.

This of course has made my fiancé very upset because his nephews mean the world to him. In fact, we're closer to the SIL than his own brother. My FH has said, "FBIL better not ruin this if he knows what's good for him..." This is all just going to have to be a "wait and see" situation when it comes time to send out invitations.