i was her Maid of Honour, she isn't in mine.... now what???

I think if she doesn’t directly ask about it, you don’t have to actually confront her yourself regarding it.

Bridal parties are not a quid pro quo. It honestly sounds surprising that she asked you to be her MOH in the first place since it doesn't sound like you were too close to begin with, even before all the issues. Honestly, you can't control how others will feel, but if she's upset, that's a her issue and not a you issue.

1. Don't invite her to pre wedding festivities
2. She used you to the point of abusing you, and even that wasn't enough. She even said she picked you because you spent money on her kids. She didn't care about friendship
3. Why is any of this awkward? You were never close in the first place. I'd keep my distance as much as possible. She sees you as nothing but an ATM and a servant. She is entitled and selfish. I am surprised you care how she feels at all. Focus on people who care about you as a person, not what free labor you can provide

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Thanks for the comment. The only reason I feel awkward really is because of my fiancé's relationship with her husband. But thanks for the input! I sometimes felt crazy going maybe I'm being the one who isn't doing enough, as it was my first wedding in general I had been in. I said I felt like free labour. Thanks again for making me feel like I'm not going crazy!

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That's how I was feeling. Thanks!

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Thanks! I am trying to remind myself that in the end I can't waste my time stressing about it. I have friends I've known for my entire life that aren't in this and they didn't care and were still more than thrilled to offer help etc. and those are what would be real friends. Thanks again!

You sound like a really caring person, just based off of everything you did to make her wedding experience great when you didn't even really know her that well. So I can see how this would be awkward - you just don't want to see it become a huge issue. I think if she doesn't bring it up, then you're clear and it just won't come up. If she does, I would just say you had other people you have more history with and wanted to honor them, but you're looking forward to seeing her at the wedding and maybe you can celebrate just the two of you another time. I'd just treat it like a totally normal situation and like it isn't even something for her to get upset about, and then hopefully that will prevent the situation from escalating. Good luck!

Very often, even when two people are close longterm friends, it is not a reciprocal thing. People don't necessarily choose the people whose weddings they were in. She has no reason to expect to be in yours. She obviously had a very small friend group, or others were not available, so though you were not a close friend, she asked.
You have lits of people closer, longer. Which os exactly what you say if anyone questions what is actually none of their business. Part of what went wrong when you were MOH was a clear misunderstanding if what the role if MOH is. You should never have accepted being oush into being a general maid of all work. MOH need only do what tgey happily volunteer to do As little as get the dress, show up a half hour to an hour before tge wedding or prewedding group pictures. Anything else, like showers, planning bachelorettes, Do it Yourself orojects, are never for tge bride to assign. Showers and bachelorettes can be planned by any close female friends and showers by family too. Individuals or small groups. As long as tgey are close, and invited to the wedding. They volunteer. Because BM and MOH are chosen from closest female friends and family, it is often them. But not tgeir job, and not right for a bride to assume any if BO will volunteer. She was wrong to draft you for everything. At least you know better. But a word of advice: Brides do not throw any party where they receive gifts, like showers. And the volunteers to give tgey decide party type, and the number of guests. And bachelorettes where bride is guest of honor, same thing. If you go about talking of who you will choise for any party, people who think you rude for planning parties where you are guest of honor will back away, and you may end up with no volunteers, because people think you are going to try to plan things and stick them with the work and paying the bill . For a bachelorette, you can throw tge party as a hostess fir all your friends, if you pay for everything for everybody, including lidgings and meals if it is away. If you want a usial bachelorette, where everyone pays for tgemselves, and they split your costs as guest of honor, you sit back and ket tgem decide and plan. Like the shower, you stay out of it until asked for a list of possible guests, and they choose as many or as few as they want from that list.
So Shh on talking about who you would ask on a bachelorette, or anything. Don't talk like you get to make the plans. You plan the wedding itself, and leave party decisions to those who volunteer to host ( if anyone does, not a guarantee, or anyone's responsibility.) this other woman really was mistaken about what was the appropriate thing to expect Wedding party to do. You know from experience, that led to bad feeling from you. Forewarned, an area to be careful about. But never make it sound like her awfulness, or your bad experience, us why you choose others. Stick to, their are others I know better, or have known libger, , whom I am choosing for my wedding. And coach FI. You choose your side, he chooses his. And would not dream of suggesting you pick someone married to his choice of groomsman. In case eitger of this couple suggests it. I find it strange, but some people think it wonderful for both halves of a couple to be in the same wedding party. And when one is chosen, ask about choosing their spouse or SO..

I wouldn’t worry about it. If she doesn’t ask, then there’s no reason to be direct about it. I was asked to be a bridesmaid in a college friend’s wedding, and I was honestly shocked by it, but I did it and enjoyed it. It was several states away, but since then (11 years ago) we’ve spoken only a few times a year. She has in-laws in my state and mentioned many times about coming down to visit them and that we’d have to get together then, only she did come down last summer and didn’t tell me until after the fact. Then when my FH & I got serious and talking about marriage, she messaged me like crazy and called and talked, and I really felt like she was fishing for bridesmaid, but I wanted a small party and only chose three ladies that I’ve known and been close to for many, many years (14, 20, 18 years). The college friend never asked directly and I never said.

As for the bachelorette weekend, that’s up to you. Are there any other friends that will be there that she knows? Another question is are you inviting anyone else who’s not one of your attendees, such as other groomsmen SOs?

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This.

You can be bridesmaids in the wedding of people you don't even invite to your own wedding.

You can have a MOH whose wedding you didn't go to.

You are under zero obligation to include any individual in your bridal party, and no one is obligated to include you in theirs.

I'm in a similar boat. I was asked to be a friends MoH this year, and I'm getting married next year and she's not in the party. I had already asked all my girls when she asked me. We aren't as close as we used to be, so I didn't expect it at all. She's always been on my guest list though and I enjoy hanging out with her but I tried to chose 1 person from different stages of my life though and she just didn't make the cut. It's not meant to be hurtful but I have worried she'll be upset when she realizes it. We can't all have 82 bridesmaids. Everything will work out in the end.

It's fraught with assumptions for sure, but being in somebody's wedding does not make them automatically included in your wedding party. Friendships grow, change and evolve all the time and in the years that intervene between the weddings of friends, you can't take for granted that you'll be as close with someone as you were when you were in their wedding. I agree with previous posters who said it really didn't sound like you were that close with this person at all when invited to be MOH - it honestly sounds like she was just looking for someone organized and generous to fill the role, and none of her friends fit the bill.

I met one of my best friends after she had already been engaged for about 9 months so she had already selected her bridal party. Because we became so close so quickly, she did generously offer me a place of honor in the ceremony doing a reading, and I was invited to the bachelorette party. She basically offered me the opportunity to be as involved as I wanted to be and I never felt slighted that I wasn't in the bridal party - honestly just lucky to be able to play a role in her special day.

If it's important to you, or it will be problematic for the relationship between your FH and her husband if she's not part of it, maybe you can offer her a similar non-bridal-party role by doing a reading. However, you're not obligated to incorporate her into your wedding, especially the way she took advantage of your generosity.