i want a marriage not a wedding

Congratulations on your engagement. Have you really sat down and expressed your feelings with your fiancé? I wouldn't want you to do anything you truly aren't comfortable with for other people. This day is ultimately about the two of you. What are your fiancé's thoughts on this?

View Quoted Comment I agree with Kenisha!
A wedding is stressful & costly, only embark on this journey if you really want it. Talk to your fiancé & come up with a plan that makes you happy too.

My fiance totally understands and is on the same page with me, but for 1) Family is too big a deal to hurt them and 2) we live with his parents, leaving us without much option at the moment anyways. It's not only about doing what we want, its about reconciling our love and respect for our families with our personal desires. We are ready to begin married life but being largely introverted people we find it difficult to let go of guilt if we didn't include our families with what we envision as a very private, intimate moment. We've broached the subject, but have been given the answer: "Just have a smaller ceremony with only family", but we're already doing that. I'm more so wondering if there is anyone out there that's introverted like we are and in general not into the idea of doing all of this in front of people, but like us find it unavoidable.

Can you have a very very small catholic ceremony and then go for a meal instead of the big reception? It probably wouldn’t be a catholic ceremony but a DW so it’s more understandable that only your nearest and dearest are in attendance? I think a wedding should be what the couple getting married truly wants. Some want the big party, others want a private experience. Before you start making your plans I would talk to your partner about your anxiety and fears and what ways you can incorporate the aspects that are important to both of you. I know that I always have my family’s expectations and feelings in mind and they always remind they want me to be HAPPY most all. I get caught up trying to please everyone and have to be reminded that not everything needs to be about what my family wants, it’s okay to prioritise what my partner and I want even if it’s not someone else’s “vision”. Good luck and try and remember that

I would stick with the two of you, parents, siblings, grandparents, a best friend or two, and any significant others. Don't start with aunts and uncles (unless someone raised you), or cousins. I'd even exclude nieces and nephews. Just keep the event super small. Then head to a restaurant for a meal. Done and done.

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Could you do your small hand-fasting ceremony before the Catholic ceremony as part of your first look? It might help you relax and take the pressure off of the Catholic ceremony.

I felt the same way. I am an introvert and I didn't want everyone staring at me and bringing me presents and making the whole day about me. But my fiance really wanted to have a wedding because he felt it represented a greater commitment to one another than having it at the courthouse and signing papers like I wanted. Also he's been married before and never had a wedding so this was important to him. So I just embraced it and picked out colors and a venue and a dress, and then everything started coming together. I started seeing how excited everyone in my family was, and it made me excited too.

My fiancé and I are both introverted but wanted getting married to be special and not just another day and our families to be present so we’ve ended up going the traditional route and our comfortable with this decision but have agreed that getting married is the most important part

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That's really comforting to hear. It's coming together a little bit, but we're still pretty far off for now. I feel better knowing that my fiance feels the same way, and I'm hoping once it's done I'll be glad I made the choice I did for my family.

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We've thought about something small just the two of us, it's just logistically difficult and an added expense. I'm sure as it gets closer too, we'll work out something special, for now I'm trying to budget some alone time into our day and ending the reception at 8pm so we can have a little time to focus on each other instead of just collapsing from exhaustion.

I feel the exact same way you do. Luckily so does my fiancé and we are eloping. However I’ve never wanted a traditional wedding so no one on my side has put any pressure on us and I think most of his family doesn’t even care we’re getting married. I would hope that if your families truly understood how you feel they wouldn’t be putting this pressure on you. If they could understand - I know a lot of people don’t. I’m in the camp though that says screw them and do what you want. Even though our families won’t really mind, our eloping plans are still a secret. So once they all know we’ll already be married and that’s that! but I know that’s a lot easier for me to say since our families aren’t like yours. But when having a wedding makes you want to literally vomit, it’s different than just not wanting one. Just thinking of having one gives me major anxiety. Just because it’s “tradition” not everyone has to or wants to do it! I wish more people understood that and were okay with it.

View Quoted Comment I totally agree, and its really great that you've got it figured out, Congratulations! anxiety is a very real thing even though it has no bearing on how you feel about your partner, and its nice to hear that other people struggle with anxiety around the whole concept of a wedding.

Hey Megan!! I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling this way! How is everything going now?

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Well we've just sort of embraced the wedding industry complex. We've put out a lot of money to get coordinators and organizers to just handle everything for us. We're making a lot of sacrifices in our life to be able to do this, but it allowed me to let go and my only responsibility will be to show up. It's allowed us to re-focus on each other and I don't have the same legitimate dread because I don't have to go through every last detail on a day I dreamed would be entirely different. Without the stress of everything, I can focus on my fiance and those closest to me that really matter the day of. It's expensive, but sometimes sanity is worth it...

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That's good! I agree it can be expensive sometimes but it's definitely worth it if it means that you aren't stressed out and can focus on other things

View Quoted Comment I WANT a wedding and have super supportive family on both sides and wedding planning was still difficult for me under the best of circumstances. I felt bad because to a large degree planning became unhealthy for me for a solid 4-5 months. There's a lot of anxiety and stress with expectations and I think having planners and organizers will be worth every single penny.

Definitely don't hesitate to handle effort and tasks to loved ones. A lot of people don't like the idea of making family or guests do any work, I felt so guilty not handling it myself or via a paid professional but if people want to help, let em at it guilt free I say. I wish I had done it sooner and felt much better handling less. I have no idea if I'll have wrinkle free table runners right now and I don't WANNA know lol.

View Quoted Comment Haha, wrinkles arent even on my radar good luck!