i told my mom we were eloping and it backfired in our face

Our wedding is about 7k. A budget wedding isnt mediocre and thats kinda mean to those who are struggling to make their day happen and want more thsn a court house. It's your day you have to do what makes you happy. A wedding doesnt have to be thousands to be nice.

Why not have a small intimate ceremony with immediate family only followed by a nice dinner somewhere?

Why not continue forward with your plan of eloping and then when you come home you can compromise with your mom and have a small party celebrating that you got married! It would make her happy to be a part of the whole thing but you don’t have to give up the idea of having it be just you two when you get married.

Well, to me it sounds like you made up your mind. You aren't willing to pay for a large wedding, and refuse to do anything less. Therefore, your only option is to do the elopement as planned. Part of making decisions is owning those decisions and accepting the results. In your case, deciding to elope makes your mom sad, but you want to elope so you have to accept that. I like the idea you mentioned:

"So I thought maybe tell her that she and I will pick out some really great announcements together to send to her (many) friends that she insisted on coming to our nonexistent wedding and that before we leave on vacation, she, my sister, niece, and I can have a spa day to celebrate together."

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like when it comes to your wedding, you shouldn’t have to compromise with anyone besides your FS. If you both agreed on what you want and you have a plan, I would stick with it. I can understand where your mom is coming from and it’s fine and normal for her to be disappointed, but she will work through it.

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^This! If you feel that a budget friendly wedding will be mediocre then you just have own the elopement no matter how it makes your friends and family feel. Do you think a good compromise could me eloping at home? That way you're still getting married but your parents can be there? I'm getting married in my BFF's backyard with our closest family and friends in attendance it will be beautiful and not cost us an arm and leg. I for one, do not subscribe to the idea that you have to shell out 5 figures + to have a beautiful day.

Don't compromise to please other people. It's about you two and what you want. It says to me like you already have your mind made up on what you would like to do, I would stick to it. If one day down the road you regret not having a wedding, you could always do a vow renewal and celebrate with friends and family.

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Sarah nailed it.

Sorry, I shouldn't have used the word mediocre. In no way whatsoever was I trying to sound rude. Budget does not equal mediocre. By mediocre I meant scraping by with the bare minimum literally just because other people are making you have a wedding. Too many of my cousins of the same age had these types of weddings where they were just thrown together because they "had" to have a wedding but didn't have the time to do a normal wedding, and it ended up being a mess because nothing was planned or thought through.

But I know that I personally would not be happy with my wedding if it wasn't the kind I wanted, which would require quite a bit of money. And spending a ton of money on a wedding just isn't fiscally responsible for us (not to mention, I'm a CPA so maybe that's why I don't want to spend so much lol). Basically, for me to be happy, I have two options: (1) Have the wedding I want which would be expensive and (2) Elope and save money for a house. Only one of these options is obviously reasonable.

Also, I told her about a reception or "celebration" event afterwards and she just said "no."

Thanks, everyone. My FH is not interested in a wedding, either, even more so than I am. Mainly because he doesn't like the idea that we are spending a bunch of money just for other people to have a nice day when we would both be uncomfortable during the whole thing. Plus he said he thinks it takes away from the whole point which is us actually being married. He mentioned a vowel renewal if we wanted it. His opinion is that a house and solid financial future is more important than one day that we would just be doing for other people. And if, in the future, when we are more financially able to provide a large event for ourselves, we could have a vowel renewal.

My biggest issue really is making my mom sad. My dad passed away back in September of 2018 and I feel like this sparked a happy opportunity for her, so for us to shoot it down makes me feel awful. But at the same time, does this mean I am now required to spend a big bunch of money that we aren't wanting to?

I basically just want to make her and myself feel better about the situation. Which is what I hope picking out announcements with her/spa day would remedy. Any other suggestions are greatly recommended.

We also have potentially considered doing a very small ceremony just for immediate friends and family, but that just seems painfully awkward as neither I nor my FH are the romantic/sweet type in front of people. We don't hold hands or kiss around people because it makes us uncomfortable. We are THAT kind of couple lol.

I agree with the others. Stick with your original plan and maybe you can have your mom throw an intimate party to celebrate when you're back from vacation?

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My mother is literally the only person that I am willing to compromise on anything in my life for (except FH, of course). And I honestly thought she would be indifferent to us eloping, that's why her reaction is such a shock. How about I tell her she can plan future baby showers lol. Maybe that will make her happy.

My best friend eloped just like you plan on doing. When they got back they threw a small get together in their backyard and it was a great time! You get to celebrate with the people close to you in a great atmosphere. If you mom wants to do all this extra stuff, let her do it. She can decorate the backyard (or anywhere else she would like to hold the celebration).

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What exactly do you do at a party like this? I understand the reasoning behind it, but is it mainly just a social event where we talk and eat and have a cake? This is probably a stupid question, lol, but I really just don't know what you plan for. Like, what do you entertain with?

I think you could go elope, have your honeymoon/vacation and then come back to a small party. The party would just be like a reception. Food, friends/family, maybe some music playing, a little decor, etc. If you did a lunch rather than a dinner event it could be even more casual. Think just a family reunion or a get together. I think a dinner would be a bit more formal but you could still do it. If your mom (or even his parents too) is willing to help pay, you could have the best of both worlds. It would just be a celebration of your marriage party. The entertainment would just be music and people chatting. You could have a table with games/cards/etc if you really wanted, but not a must.

I know several couples who have gone to elope of have a VERY small wedding then had a reception a week or two later.

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It can be whatever you want! It can be cookies instead of cake. My best friend is into craft beer so it was drinks and food and just celebrating that they got married. They have a blue tooth speaker and played music. My engagement party will literally be the same thing. A BBQ in the backyard, some music in the background and having my close friends and family celebrate our engagement.

You can do something like BYOB (bring your own booze) and have guests bring a food item so you don't have to cook as much. If you house is large enough you can have a house party. The possibilities are endless. It can be fun without spending a fortune.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this comment. I think it's a good way to balance both!

View Quoted Comment I totally get where you are coming from. I feel the same way about weddings: either do it the way I want, or just have a small ceremony with my closest people. We are going with the first choice, because we are both financially stable & can afford it. But I really believe nobody should go in debt or financial strain for a wedding. Good for you for both being smart about this & on the same page!

I also get the mom situation. My mom & I are close & my dad also passed away (long time ago), so I can relate to wanting to make her happy. Your mom is still in grieving period, so that’s extra hard on her & yes she needs a joyful occasion to focus on.

About eloping: if you stick to your original plan, I would still do special things like getting a nice dress & bouquet, writing your own vows, getting a professional photographer to take some amazing photos of you & FH, maybe having a little cake afterwards, etc. This doesn’t cost a lot at all, but will make for a very memorable & special experience.
Lastly, I would personally consider a small ceremony with my closest friends & family. It could be beautiful & on a budget, if you do it for ex. in a public park, botanical garden etc. Besides your mom & FH parents, do you have any other people that are really important in your life? If yes, it is really special to have these people with you, when you say I do. No matter how small the ceremony. This is something I hear most people who eloped regret later. It also wouldn’t feel awkward if you had only your closest people, you can write your own vows, say & do what feels right for you, without being filled with PDA lol. This could potentially be a solution for making everybody happy!
Good luck with your decision!

That sounds like a good idea. Maybe have a wedding cake, kind of in between formal and casual. How far out would be reasonable to have such an event? Would a month or 6 weeks be too far out? I just know it would take a while to get a venue, request a cake, etc.

Stick with your plan. But having a nice reasonable celebration afterwards is a nice idea. And maybe you’ll even get wedding gifts to help towards your house.