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Just Said Yes February 2023

i think one of my bridesmaids wants to drop out of the wedding, what should i do?

Andrea, on January 23, 2023 at 3:15 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 9

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My fiancé and I are over a month away from our wedding date. The only issue we are running into is with one of my bridesmaids. To preface, her and I had a conversation before either of us were engaged about how she might not be able to commit to being a bridesmaid because she was trying to get into grad school. I told her I’d be okay with her not being in the wedding because of school. Fast forward to now, where she is in the wedding and is also I’m grad school. She did agree to become a bridesmaid before finding out she got into grad school but I was under the impression she’d be able to hand both because she hasn’t said otherwise. Recently she’s seemed very uninterested in the wedding, she was planning on coming to my whole bachelorette weekend but only came out for dinner one of the nights. She also dropped out last minute coming to the bridal shower because she had to study. She’s brought it up to me a few times that she’s been overwhelmed with school as well. Her latest was telling me she can only go to the rehearsal but not the dinner because she needs to study. In general I’ve been feeling like she doesn’t want to be in the wedding and she isn’t excited like the other girls are or like I was when I was a bridesmaid. Part of me thinks she’s trying to get out but just doesn’t want to say it. I’m worried she literally might dip out last minute and I do not want that to happen. Should I talk with her or just leave it considering we’re about a month away from the wedding?

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9 Comments

Latest activity by Lady, on January 25, 2023 at 11:49 AM

Master October 2023
Michael · on January 23, 2023 at 3:31 PM
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Many people will note that the only requirement for the bridesmaid is to show up dressed and ready on the wedding day.
She may be facing pressures with school which are making other activities harder. Not everyone handles the school loads in the same way. It might work well if you can talk with her in a non-threatening fashion to see if she thinks it will work out well to be part of the bridal party. She might even be happier as a guest. Tell her you want to go with what she feels is best. Try not to feel bad about whatever decision she would make.
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Master July 2019
Hannah · on January 23, 2023 at 3:41 PM
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Honestly, it sounds like grad school is a lot but she’s being as present as she can as your bridesmaid. As Michael said, the only real responsibility is that she show up on the wedding day. And as someone who is on the tail end of a doctoral degree, I can definitely sympathize with the issue of only going to the rehearsal (the more important part so she knows what she has to do) and skipping the dinner since she has to study and do work so she can be present for the whole wedding day itself. I’m not sure what type of grad program she is in, but grad school is far more time intensive than undergrad, with hours of readings and papers to write every week. I would talk to her and casually check in how she’s doing.
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Devoted November 2023
Caryn · on January 23, 2023 at 3:42 PM
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Think about what you want here. If it's to have all of your bridesmaids excited and present at everything, maybe have a conversation letting her know that you see how busy she is and if she wants to bow out you understand.
If she is a close friend and it's important to you that she is in the wedding, then I would give her the gift of grace. Tell her that you understand that she's busy and you are just glad that she will be there for your day. And then let it go -- completely.
Both of these are valid options, but I would suggest picking one and sticking with it. The worst of both worlds is to keep her in the wedding and be stressed/frustrated/resentful about it.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on January 23, 2023 at 4:09 PM
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Grad school is tough. I would give her lots of leeway and support whatever sacrifices she's making. She's not obligated to attend any pre-wedding events or even the rehearsal really. I would let her know how grateful you are that she can attend on the day of the wedding, and not to worry about anything else
She may need to not drink/leave early on the wedding day as well.
This is not a reflection of your importance to her. It's a reflection of just how all-consuming grad school can be.
I would not talk to her about stepping down in any way, because you may cause damage to your friendship.
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VIP October 2022
Taylor · on January 23, 2023 at 4:36 PM
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I didn’t do grad school but my husband did and it’s A LOT of work. Is she also working? I can tell you my husband worked full time and did grad school and it consumed basically all of his time for 2 years. She may be giving you the best she can. I know your wedding is very exciting and important to you but you have to remember that your wedding is not everyone else’s top priority and is not as exciting to them as it is to you. It’s great that your other bridesmaids have been able to make the time for your events work but everyone has a life and unfortunately not everyone can dedicate that much time to you. It seems like it’s still something she wants to do for you so I would just appreciate her wanting to be there at all. You can ask her if she feels too overwhelmed to do both but if she says no I wouldn’t push it and I would just tell her you care about her schooling and want to make sure she’s able to put that first because it should be her first priority and that’s not personal to you
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VIP October 2022
Paige · on January 23, 2023 at 4:40 PM
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I agree that you should extend your friend some grace in this situation. Grad school is tough, and it seems like she's made an effort to be there for you as much as she's able. If you're really unsure whether she'll still be able to be in the wedding, you could offer to take her out for coffee or to dinner when she has time and ask if she thinks she'll still be able to be in the wedding. I'd word it super gently though and phrase it as you understand she's super busy with school and don't want to add something to her plate if she's not able to make it work.
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Devoted November 2023
Ayanna · on January 23, 2023 at 4:40 PM
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Hey Andrea,

I think she is being as involved as she can given that she's in school. She's been open about how demanding and overwhelming grad school is for her. With this being said, I don't think she'd drop out. I would just assume the best of her in that she'll show up on the right day, at the right time, in the right dress lol.
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VIP August 2021
Michelle · on January 24, 2023 at 7:49 AM
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I agree with all others above, particularly Jacks. Don't bring it up like she's letting you down because she's doing her best to support you while living her own life. Grad school is a 24-hour schedule where sleep and eating are low on priorities. [deleted comment]. If she really can't make it, what needs to be adjusted-- the procession lineup? Your caterer should also request final numbers 1-2 wks ahead to account for RSVP changes so there shouldn't be money lost.
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Lady · on January 25, 2023 at 11:49 AM
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There shouldn't be anything for her to have to "handle" for your wedding. As long as she can attend the ceremony and some of the reception, there is literally nothing else she should need to do.
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