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L
Beginner July 2022

i Swear My Fiancé Wasn’t This Trashy When We Were Dating

Laura, on December 7, 2021 at 3:21 PM Posted in Wedding Reception 0 15

Sorry, this is going to be long.
My fiancé and I are in the process of buying a house and realized we can only afford 2 between the wedding, house, and honeymoon in Italy. I suggested eloping instead of the wedding, because the honeymoon is really important to me (I work FT, have gone back to school, nanny overnight once a week, and haven’t taken a vacation in 3 years). He refuses to let go of the wedding- even though he’s helped maybe 2% with planning- and wants to give up the honeymoon. I made the point that the wedding costs $8k for 1 day and the honeymoon costs the same for 14 days. And I’ve already cut out everything I’d ever dreamed of having at my wedding to get the budget down to 8k. We’re not having any band/DJ, cheapo catering, a sheet cake from the store instead of a wedding cake, a cheap photog, I got a $500 dress, $40 shoes, I’m borrowing all my jewelry from family, doing my own hair/makeup, renting the cheapest chair/table/linen options, etc. So then he has the audacity to say I’m spending too much money on things we don’t need at the wedding. Like what, I asked. His answer was, no joke, tables, chairs, and catering. How are those nonessential? Because, according to him, we can put on the invitation that everyone needs to bring their own chair, and they can just hold their paper plates instead of using a table. His friends will grill hotdogs and hamburgers, and he will order a couple kegs…. Can you IMAGINE buying someone a $50+ wedding gift, getting dressed up, and THAT is the scene you show up to as a guest?
1. How did I miss this side of him while we were dating for 3 years?2. How do I bring him up to a level above Trailer Park Boys to make him see how stupid his idea is? My thoughts were to tell all the women in his family so they gang up on him. Idk man
Edited by WeddingWire

15 Comments

Latest activity by Evonne, on December 12, 2021 at 8:20 PM
  • Alyssa
    Super December 2021
    Alyssa ·
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    I think you need to have a serious talk about what you both want for your futures. Before you make commitments like getting married and buy a house, make sure you're on the same page about your goals.

    Maybe have HIM call around to a few wedding vendors and he will get a quick dose of reality of what it costs to have a wedding, and he will quickly see that $8k is VERY REASONABLE and the fact that you got your budget down to that is impressive. Make him do some legwork.

    If the wedding is something he wants just as badly as you want a honeymoon, make him compromise on the wedding he gets (your 8,000 one) and you may have to compromise on 2 weeks in Italy for a week long vacation in the Caribbean. Marriage is all about compromise.

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  • KYLIE
    Super May 2019
    KYLIE ·
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    You seem incredibly frustrated—and I get it! I don’t think your fiancé is trying to be “trashy”, I think he’s just obtuse. You’re going to need to communicate well your entire marriage, so I suggest literally scheduling a time to talk about this. Lay out unemotionally the reasons why you feel a nice honeymoon would be beneficial for you as a couple, and why you would prefer not to have a wedding. Be willing to actually listen to his POV, and don’t talk to him in ways that would make him defensive.
    I 100% think you deserve that amazing honeymoon, and one suggestion you can make to him is a one year celebration of marriage party at the home you’re going to buy. Something casual and fun that would allow him the party he wants. Because of course, him wanting a wedding (and you wanting a honeymoon) is not wrong, it’s just a different perspective. His suggestions for facilitating a celebration right now are not cool, though!
    Hugs to you as you navigate all this!!
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  • Heather
    Super November 2021
    Heather ·
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    Stand your ground girl!! Wedding planning really isn't easy. I had my fair share of breakdowns and just going crazy because of how stressful it was. And honestly, a lot of guys don't get it because the wedding day is mostly just for the girl lol.

    Maybe come up with a compromise. Elope, and have a chill celebration later? You guys could be saving a bunch of money that way.

    My husband didn't want a big wedding. For some reason he kept assuming that I wanted a big one when I wanted a small one. It was so annoying because I even asked him if he was really listening to where I was coming from. I had to keep telling him over and over. I still wanted a wedding to have some elements of a wedding day feel, but not a big celebration. And he kept assuming that he would be the one paying for it all, but in reality I'm sure I paid about 70% of it.

    Are both of you contributing to the wedding btw?

    I would honestly ask him why having a wedding is so important to him if he isn't agreeing to having the wedding elements? And more so not helping YOU?? Because it sounds more like just a simple celebration and nothing more..

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  • L
    Beginner July 2022
    Laura ·
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    Good point, Alyssa. That sounds like it could get heavy, but a reasonable conversation to have. I have had the idea of going somewhere cheaper for the honeymoon, but am having trouble finding ways to make the wedding any cheaper in order to afford both. sigh*

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  • L
    Beginner July 2022
    Laura ·
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    Thanks, Kylie! The party at a later date is a good idea! Yeah, it’s clear he has a different kind of event in his mind, which is why I’ve been so frustrated at his persistence about having the wedding. Maybe I can convince him to elope and then have a post-bach party instead.

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  • A
    Super December 2020
    Anais ·
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    I agree with others, try to figure out why he wants a wedding so badly. It sounds to me like he just wants to celebrate with people there while having a BBQ - which you could absolutely do and would be cheap. You could elope, travel to Italy, and then when you get back have a low key celebration of your marriage at home. He can bbq there and you can explain how casual it is to guests.
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  • L
    Beginner July 2022
    Laura ·
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    Ohh my god, this could not be truer. I should mention, I wanted to elope from the beginning, but initially agreed to the wedding because he wanted one and we thought we could afford it at the time. But, all of this planning and detail is not my thing and I now have some real sympathy for women written off as “bridezillas”. This is more stress than I could have imagined!

    We are sharing the costs, but since I’ve been doing the vast majority of the planning, I’ve been shelling out almost all of the money.

    Same here! He keeps claiming I have this big fat wedding day in the works and, in reality, what I’ve planned is already a fairly cheap little wedding! And I agree on the feeling of the day; if we’re going to have a wedding, it should at least feel like one. Otherwise, what’s the point? It’s good to hear I’m not crazy lol

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  • Heather
    Super November 2021
    Heather ·
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    Lol! I totally get it! Men are clueless and they definitely aren't planners. And if they are, then they are part of a small (very small) statistic.

    I feel like you need to have a heart to heart communication with him with all of this because again like what I said he's just thinking about a simple celebration. Let him know how you feel. In turn I hope he is able to open up to you and let you know how he feels.

    I'm hoping you guys are able to come up with a compromise!

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  • Cece
    Master October 2023
    Cece ·
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    Why don’t you help his friends throw him an amazing bachelor party, that way he gets to have the laid-back party he wants. Then the two of you elope to your honeymoon destination-get married the first day or two you are there, then spend the rest of the time honeymooning. And you can live stream the ceremony for your friends and family back home, so all your loved ones can still watch you get married.
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  • A
    Alyce ·
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    I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND YOUR SITUATION!
    I spent about 2k on my whole wedding. Because we needed to save the money. It was great though. I did try to convince my husband to elope before hand too. It was mostly diy and over half the money was on attire for bridal party (we were told to pay for it)
    Why not just wear a cheap white dress, say the vows, and have a bbq? Eloping can cost that much, depending what you had in mind. Most people won’t give you a gift if you elope anyway. Have a potluck in a local park, etc. Just ideas. I hope you’re able to both find a happy medium. ❤️
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  • Bird
    Super June 2021
    Bird ·
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    I hear you! My husband suggested the same thing and i kept telling him everything that goes into the planning and how difficult it actually is and how it’s not as simple as just having a couple of burgers and dogs and kegs. We worked together tho and thankfully planned a lovely lovely lovely wedding. He took point on caterer, alcohol, tent and entertainment. I took point on flowers, ceremony, photography, attire. We both helped eachother with everything. And had a lot of family members offer their help as well.


    If you go this route, try to keep your number of guests down and do a lot of diy. It can be classy and doesn’t have to be trashy. But it will take a lot of work and cooperation Smiley smile
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  • T
    Expert May 2010
    Theresa ·
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    So, genuine question, has he ever been to a wedding? He may have no idea what to expect, or what is expected by others, for a ceremony/reception. The best thing might be if someone else's wedding popped up that he could attend to get some idea. Or, if all else fails, there's always YouTube! Give him an idea of what other weddings look like for some perspective.

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  • Ashley
    Beginner January 2023
    Ashley ·
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    I am sorry you're dealing with this. Maybe suggest that his idea sounds more like a cookout. Which you can easily have at home as a cheap 'Wedding Celebration" since it seems to be important to him. But do not give up your vacay! Explain that it just as important to you as the wedding is to him. The honeymoon is the kick-off for your marriage and that is more important to you then a party. If you cant come to an agreement then you may need to rethink a lot, including why he doesn't seem to care about a vacation with his wife. If you have different wants and values its important to know now or you may spend the rest of your marriage going on vacations alone or with friends while your partner stays and grills out with the boys.

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  • Evonne
    Savvy January 2022
    Evonne ·
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    How about a private elopement, a beer party for his palls later that day and u both go on a two week honeymoon, and save the rest of the money for the house! I think everyone wins and no losers.
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  • Evonne
    Savvy January 2022
    Evonne ·
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    I agree with you!
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