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Beginner June 2019

i really messed up.

Sarah, on June 16, 2019 at 3:53 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 11

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Back when I sent out invites in March, I added about 20 people to the list that were cut before sending them out to make my fiancé happy. (He wanted 80 guests per side but we started getting nos on the rsvps so I sent them in a second round. I didn’t think about his side and feelings. I didn’t intend for this to explode the way it has and now I’m worried about the wedding.) Now I’ve really opened the can of worms because he is mad, his parents are furious, and the wedding is this Saturday. His parents also don’t really like me to begin with, he told me himself that they’re looking for ways to criticize me. I honestly don’t know how I can make this better because I know my fiancé is upset but just doesn’t show it but he’s been kind of distant with me since yesterday. Does anyone have any suggestions for what I can do? I’ve been constantly talking to my parents and my bridesmaids to figure something out and it’s so hard. I feel so terrible.

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Latest activity by Woman On The Go, on June 17, 2019 at 3:24 AM

Champion June 2019
Gen · on June 16, 2019 at 4:11 PM
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What exactly are they upset about? That you added a few more people? Are they paying for the wedding? If not? I’m sure why that would upset them

My mother in law is also always looking for reasons to dislike me too. People like that will ALWAYS find something, no matter how perfectly you behave. Don’t be so hard on yourself. If they are really set on disliking you, if it wasn’t this then it would be something else. I am sorry you are dealing with this so close to your wedding.
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VIP September 2019
· on June 16, 2019 at 4:16 PM
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Sorry I'm confused at why they are upset??? What exactly happened?
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Super September 2019
ASMini914 · on June 16, 2019 at 4:18 PM
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Why are they upset? Is it because now too many people have RSVPed to the wedding? Are there now more than 80 people from your side attending? What is the actual cause, that might help with a solution. If there are still fewer than 80 people from your side attending, you could always point out that there is still the same amount as they had originally wanted.
I also feel like it isn't fair to either side to limit it 50/50, what if one side has more? It really should have been done in circles... so if all of his first cousins were invited, all of yours should have been as well.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on June 16, 2019 at 4:18 PM
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It sounds like he’s mad because you took all the number of guests who had declined and added more of your own family and friends to the list instead of thinking about his family and friends that weren’t invited because of your cut off on the original list? If that’s the case, I’d be mad too if I were him. You should have discussed with him a plan for if you got declines.
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Dedicated October 2021
Robert · on June 16, 2019 at 4:35 PM
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I don't think it's about the extra people, it's about going behind his back to do it!
That said, I totally agree-- people who are looking for problems will actively try to find them, so don't let it get you down. It's not about the situation at hand, or you-- it's about them, trying to make drama!
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Dedicated October 2021
Robert · on June 16, 2019 at 4:36 PM
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Sorting things with your fiancé, however... This close to the wedding, he's going to be stressed out and anxious, so it's unlikely that this situation is bothering him that deeply. It's way more likely to be that the current situation has triggered worries about what else could potentially go wrong. This sounds really stupid, so sorry in advance for asking, but have you said sorry? Communication will fix most things, especially when the problems are just a symptom of worrying!
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Devoted June 2020
Sarah · on June 16, 2019 at 6:14 PM
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I was thinking maybe that is the reason too, but she said, "I added [them] to make my fiancé happy." That makes it sound like she added some of his side? I'm super confused with this post.
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Master October 2017
karen · on June 16, 2019 at 6:59 PM
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Not clear to me if she cut them to make him happy or added them to make him happy, I am guessing cut. I would like to know who is paying, but she should have been honest with him.
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Dedicated June 2022
Jayne · on June 16, 2019 at 7:22 PM
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She added them back in after she and her fiance made a joint decision to cut these people and limit it to 80 on each side. From an etiquette standpoint, she invited a B list which everyone knows is a No-No. She did not offer the same opportunity to her husband's family and now the numbers could be looking like a teeter totter. Her fiance feels betrayed because she went behind his back to supplement her numbers. His family is upset because they weren't treated equally and she looks bad to everyone for B listing guests, She's made her bed and she's going to have to lay in it. There isn't anything she can do but offer an apology that's going to seem insincere. There's a reason for etiquette rules and there are consequences for breaking them. In this case it really doesn't make any difference who's paying, it's a matter of honesty and fairness.
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Master October 2020
Mandi · on June 16, 2019 at 8:56 PM
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I don't really see an issue for anybody to be upset with.
I'm also not too upset by B lists either.
What's done is done. Apologize but your fiance needs to be less pouty.
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Savvy December 2015
Woman On The Go · on June 17, 2019 at 3:24 AM
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I can understand why he would be mad--the guest list should obviously be a joint decision whether you're adding to your side, his side, or both. The bigger issue to me is that you weren't okay with cutting those people in the first place, and I feel like if that's really the case you should express that. Perhaps you could have negotiated better if that was expressed before the extra invites went out, but you can't uninvite anyone, so FH, the in-laws, etc. have to take the apology I assume you made and live with it. You could sit everyone down (especially if the in laws contributed to wedding costs?) and apologize again. Beyond that, it's definitely a somewhat selfish error, but certainly not the worst choice in the world. And not one to beat yourself up over!
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i really messed up.

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