I need to get rid of this resentment! Advice Please!

I was talking with my mom about it a little bit and she shared with me about how her and my paternal grandma didn’t get along until way later in my parents’ marriage. She said she felt out-casted and that my grandma made her feel like she wasn’t good enough for my dad. She said it wasn’t until 2003 (when my parents had been married 20 years) that my grandma made any sort of comment about my mom being a good person/wife/mother. My mom had a stroke in 2003 and my grandma told her that she wished it would have happened to her instead – WHOA.

From then until she passed in 2012, my grandma complimented my mom on what a good wife and mother she was often and I even remember my mom calling my grandma “mom” on a couple of occasions.

The point of that story is this – I never knew there was any animosity or uncomfortable feelings between my mom and grandma. After she told me the story, my mom said to me: “You will have children and they will love her and she will love them and you need to make sure that they can have that bond”.

She is my MIL so I am trying my hardest to be overly nice. She had minor surgery earlier this week and I sent her flowers for when she got home and I try to call her and have nice casual conversation about once a week. The thing is though, the more stupid things she does, the more I grow to resent her. I am at the end of my rope. I am taking my mom’s story seriously, though, and I want to have a good relationship with my MIL so that my [future] children have a relationship with their grandma.

I need advice on how to remedy this!

Don't have kids. Problem solved.

Kidding.

But really, there's nothing we can tell you that will be able to change your viewpoint of her. I have only spoken to my FMIL once in the past two years, because that's the only way I can deal with her crazy. I don't know how you do it.

That's how my Grandmother was with my Mom. Both my dad's sisters were horrible to her. The oldest sister went and cancelled the bridesmaids dresses my mother had picked out TWICE because she didn't like them. They ran out of time and they had to get whatever was available.

They said my mom wasn't worthy because her parents were divorced (in the 70s in Greece, you just didn't do that). My mom was too short (5'4" and my dad is 6'2"), my mom had 2 girls and couldn't produce an heir apparent. Well the brother was born and has produced 2 sons and he is the tallest of all the grandsons (6'5").

My cousin stole at my sister's Sweet 16 party and my mom, my other grandmother and 2 aunts were said to have set her up per my dad's family. It causes a huge rift. My dad never ever put them in their place.

My mom has a bet with my dad if my grandmother will do a speech at my wedding. She did a speech at 6 of the weddings so far but not at my brother's. Her excuse was because they ware American (she only speaks greek). Now mind you, 2 of my cousins married non-Greeks.

They are somewhat okay now (my parents will be married 42 years next month). But even at 90, my grandmother is not kind lady she should be.

Moral of the story, it can take time or your husband can have a very long heart-to-heart. My father never once stood up to his family for my mom and I think that embolded them in treating her like crap.

You can't change any of her crazy antics. You can only change how you respond to them. If you view her from the lens that she is not being malicious (I hope), it's easier to move on from these things that bother you. And walk away when you need a break.

See if your husband can talk to his mom about being overly intrusive. Make sure he lets her know that while he loves his momma very much, he needs to have some boundaries. Like, no calling insistently/ needing someone to pick up immediately. Help her realize that you are a newlywed couple and need to establish your family as the two of you , and later with your children. This doesn't mean he doesn't love mommy dearest, it just means that you are his family now and you come first. Hopefully if your husband can have a close one on one conversation with her, she can at least understand your feelings and frustrations and set some boundaries now and fix things before kids come into the picture. That way you AND your future children can have a good relationship with your MIL. Talk to your husband, make sure he is on the same page and let him talk to his mom.

Also, writing an honest letter to her (and then burn it, tear it, destroy it in some way or another) can be a good way to let go of some pent up resentment.

Don't let her change who you are and just try to remember what your mother said. Think positive and give it time.

@Denise – Good point. The next thing that happens, I will talk with DH and ask him to talk with her about it. That way maybe she’ll see it as she is upsetting him rather than it being about me. Also, I am sorry about your grandmother not coming around

@Janeen – Thank you! I need to look at it that way. I honestly don’t think she is trying to be malicious. I think she is just not thinking things through.

@Margaret – Thank you I have kind of been using WW as my release - venting to you ladies genuinely helps!

@Mrs. Robin Valentine – Good advice! I want to be the “bigger person” and maintain a good relationship with her. It’s just hard is all!

Realize it's not just YOU that needs to adjust. DH needs to lay some clear boundaries with her and let her know that you are important or she will not change. Also realize that not everyone likes everyone and it may not change anyway. Don't worry or force it. DH needs to be legit with her. Then you 2 carry on life.

@sarahdell I feel your pain. I'm not sure if you have seen my posts about my FIL's and their intrusiveness, like FMIL calling 28 times in three hours like a lunatic. FH has tried to talk to them about it and their response is usually to just blame him/us, never to introspect on their behavior and how they can be more rational. It's like their are stuck in the parent/children mindset, and cannot understand and respect that we are adults and deserve privacy and other boundaries that come with being adults. I hope things get better for you, and myself.

@MrsM.ToBe - Yes, I saw that post I am sorry you are going through that! I feel the same way about my MIL. It seems like she doesn't want to loosen her grip on DH. He is the oldest and has two sisters; the older of which is already moved out and has been for a few years. The youngest will graduate high school this spring. I just thought she would have saved the over-bearing act for the "baby". I hope things shape up for you too!

Your MIL may be starting to have empty nest issues since the youngest graduates this year. She may be trying to hold onto her son a bit tighter because of that (she may not even realize it). What your mom said is great - maybe you can keep telling yourself she's your to-be children's grandmother.

My MIL hated me (first marriage) someone gave me good advice, just kill them with kindness. Take her to lunch (when she is feeling better) explain how you feel, tell her you want to be friends, but tell her this is what is bothering you. At this point, nothing is going to make the relationship worse. I think she is just missing her son...

@Val – Did things get better with your first MIL?

Yes, exactly what val is saying. I didn't get along with my first MIL and my second is a bit overbearing. I took her overbearing as a desire to be more included, so I would ask her inane things, like what she thought about X or Y, or made sure to ask how her horse shows are going. I included her in getting her hair and makeup done with my girls. And when I can't get to her, I can't get to her (and then I blame the lack of cell service in the house LOL). As she no longer felt like she had to hold on with a death grip, she backed off quite a bit.

One of the best pieces of advice my own mom gave me was to make sure she feels like she's not "losing" a son, but she's "gaining" a daughter. It's advice I've taken to heart. My FMIL is great, but her baby is getting married and like any mom, she likes to be involved. I include her in as much of our day to day life as I can. I call her and ask her opinion on things that may not even matter, or things I may have already decided on...but asking her opinion makes her feel special and included and feel like she is involved. I haven't included her in every part of the wedding planning process, but I've included her in important things. We have dinner with her and FFIL every other week or so. I call and ask her to lunch, or to go shopping. It works. We have a good relationship, and I don't think she feels as much like she's losing FH as she is expanding her family.

In my first marriage, my MIL was miserable as well. Things between us improved after my ex (her son) and I separated. Then we got along well. The biggest issue for us (and talking to my ex's GF it was the same with them until my ex MIL passed away) was that ex MIL believed she ruled the family and everyone needed to follow her rules and advice. We butted heads on everything from how to discipline our daughters to who gets to sit in the front seat of our car. My ex would always buckle under her pressure and then fight with me later. You can try to repair your relationship with your MIL but your H needs to be on your side and present a united front to her. When/if children come your relationship MAY change but don't count on it. She will be close with your kids if she wants to as long as you don't say anything negative about her around your children.

Yes Sarah they did. She is even coming to my second wedding.

@Janeen –If I can just keep up with the “kill her with kindness” mentality hopefully my situation will get better like yours did.

@Amber S. – Thank you. I am trying to keep her included on things and have invited them up for dinner (they live about an hour away). Maybe at some point she will realize that while I am not trying to “steal” her son, we would like a little privacy.

@Theresa – I agree about being a united front. I will definitely send H into the trenches if this keeps up. I think he needs to be the one to say something if/when something needs to be said.

@Val – You give me hope!