i need help surprising my fiancé

Gahhh I don’t know about this. This seems like it has potential to go so very wrong. And it also seems like your future MIL wants to make your guys’ day about her. Also, if it’s a destination wedding, I’m assuming she’s going to stay at the same resort. What if he runs into her before the wedding?
If I were you, I’d advise her that such a big shock might not be the best idea on her son’s wedding day and that she should call him as soon as possible, apologize for the manipulative “I’m not coming to your wedding” and ask if she can come to the event.

This actually sounds kind of risky to me. Have they made their peace with each other and relationship is back to normal? If not, I could see he might not perceive this as a "happy" surprise and it might create an unintended distraction, especially if she just shows up at the ceremony. If he has unresolved feelings about the argument, those will all bubble up to the surface at potentially the wrong time. Only you know best, but unless they have moved past this I don't know if I would recommend it.

Ehhhh I don’t know if this is the best kind of wedding day surprise. I’d recommend arranging a private dinner or something beforehand.

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I totally agree with Kylie on this.....While I think it's cute to want to surprise your fiance with something on the wedding day, perhaps it would be better to surprise him with a new set of cuff links or cologne or something? I can just imagine all the questions he'll have to field before and during the wedding of "why isn't your mom coming to the wedding?" and then "wait, man, why is your mom here? i thought she wasn't coming???" I kinda think this will make you guys' wedding all about her and her argument with your fiance. Maybe she could tell him/make up with him soon (sooner rather than later) and surprise him with a framed photo of a nice mother & son pic on the wedding day, as an olive branch/"our relationship means a lot to me" kinda thing?

Maybe I should’ve specified that they have both discussed the previous issue, and have taken ownership for their actions. She has apologized to my fiancé and they have both moved past it. We are all literally back to how things were before the argument. And things are back to normal. I personally think she feels left out at this point and she’s biting her words. I knew when she said she wasn’t coming it hurt her. My fiancé tells me all the time that he would give anything in the world for her to be there. When she told me she wanted to surprise him I literally almost cried.

I’ve read your recent comment and although they’ve made up it seems she wants to make this about her. It’s your day with your FH and the day should be able the two of you. Personally I would encourage her to let him know she plans to come in advance. It will still be a surprise because he didn’t think she was going to attend but doing it on his wedding day could create a huge distraction from the reason everyone is there.

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I still agree with Cyndy. Perhaps you can still work with his mom on a cute gesture for your fiance? Maybe a cake with a cute mother/son pic printed on it? I still think it's a nice idea to surprise him with the great news, but perhaps not on his wedding day, which will hopefully already be a very emotional (in a good way) day! Maybe you can help her to re-create one of their most special memories together? Like maybe you could arrange for him to go to her place (maybe to pick up the mail if she's out of town or something) and surprise him with one of his favorite meals, and keep the meal and her attendance a secret? Or maybe she could give him a special outfit-related item to wear on y'all's wedding day? Just trying to throw out ideas because I really do feel how you both have his best interests at heart and want to put together a beautiful gesture!

You could do a first look and instead of you standing there it is his mom.

Yikes, seems she is making the day about her. I would personally not allow this to be a surprise or anything big on your day... I also would never withhold that from my fiancé. It sounds like a terrible idea. You truly want him to be in the right state of mind on your day... Either way, best of luck!

I think having her pop up to his room while he's getting ready would definitely be a surprise, it may even cause him to be emotional! It could be like a first look with them two

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Even with this additional information, it still doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Saving her attendance for a wedding day surprise means your fiancé will spend the next 7 months still thinking his mom isn't coming. I feel like it would be so much kinder to give him the good news now, so that he can look forward to your wedding with a light heart.

If you and your future MIL do insist on going through with this, please consider having their meeting be in private, before the ceremony. That will give him time to react however he's going to react (and you have no control over whether he will be pleased or upset at the deception), recover, and then get ready to get married.

I feel like the only way a surprise attendance would be an unequivocal good thing, would be if there was never any bad blood between the two parties (no dramatic, "Well then I won't come to your wedding!"). But maybe just someone who first thought they couldn't come but then was able to make it work late in the game.

This is not a good kind of surprise. She should let him know asap that she will be attending, so he's not sad that she won't be attending. Are you going to lie by omission and contribute to his sorry? This has the potential to go very bad. Your FH can get very upset at you and your mother


The only good kind of surprise attendance is when you have a servicemember show up from deployment, or someone who was originally not able to come due to circumstances outside of their control

A lot of people aren't going to understand this dynamic. I think you should have her surprise him while he's getting ready so they can have their moment and the rest of the day can be about you guys and your love.

Yes, I would definitely make sure she tells him sooner rather than later. Otherwise, your FH will definitely be thinking about his mom not being at your wedding until then, and it will bring down his excitement for your big day. I don't know the family dynamic, but I would try to avoid having any potential drama so the focus can be on you and your FH's relationship on your wedding day. You can't guarantee that he'll have a good reaction to seeing her there by surprise. Plus if he finds out you knew she was coming this whole time and didn't tell him, that could cause drama too...

A wedding day should prioritize the bride and groom and their union, and should be remembered as such. Celebrate your wedding anniversaries as the day you were married, not when your MIL surprised him and wanted to mend their relationship. Please let your fiancé decide when and how to move forward with his mom.
If your MIL insists on surprising him with her presence, have her stop by any other day. Not on your wedding day.

Depends. You know your fiancé well. Does he hold grudges or get over things easily? Also, take into account their relationship before the big argument. If they don’t hold grudges and otherwise have a good relationship, then her showing up will be fine and probably make his day more special.


But.... if he holds grudges and hasn’t gotten over the argument, it’ll be a slippery slope having her just show up.

Have her do the "first look" ...

This sounds like a terrible idea, even with the added info. Don't let him suffer in sadness thinking she's not coming, tell him asap.

I wouldn't do this. Not fair to let him suffer thinking she's not coming, and a surprise this big (and potentially full of drama) could be a disaster...