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Devoted July 2019

i need help because after last night, I'm dreading my wedding!

Futuremrs, on March 20, 2019 at 9:29 AM Posted in Planning 0 18

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I'll keep this as short as possible, but I apologize in advance for the length. But I need help and my fiancé can't help because he is causing the issue.

So my fiancé and I got engaged two and a half months ago and are planning a wedding for this summer. We are doing a micro ceremony in July and then two large receptions for our families (different states). From the start we knew we wanted a very small ceremony for several reasons: cost, I get stage fright in front of even small groups of people, the location of the ceremony, etc. Within 2 weeks of planning, we had decided to have a best man, MOH, his daughter, and our parents. Bridal party and 4 guests. That was it. It seemed the best way to cut down on hurt feelings. And for 2 months, that's how we've been planning it. (I should point out that his best man is his older brother, but he also has a sister and stepbrother.)

There was some initial push back. His sister is known for having easily hurt feelings and had some comments about it. And his step-mother seemed a bit slighted that her son wasn't invited (but that could have been my interpretation). His older brother asked about nieces and nephew. But because of the limited list, everyone seemed to get over it pretty quickly, though maybe they are nursing hurt feelings in the background.

Then last night my fiancé hit me with inviting his sister (and her long-time boyfriend, and her 2 adult children) after all because their brother and father will be there and she's being excluded. And because she has been providing most of the child care for his daughter for the last year. So it's almost a thank you. When I pointed out that then we have to invite his stepbrother and his fiancée and his older brother's daughter and her fiancé, he said ok. I'm thinking "definitely NOT ok." First of all, our guest list just went from 4 to 12!! And then there is that whole stage fright thing. Our parents, bridal party, officiant, and photographer were enough people for me to speak in front of. So he starts listing all of the reasons why it doesn't matter including that many more people and I start to cry. And cry. And cry.

I have compromised on the entire wedding so far because of finances. And I'm ok with everything so far. No, it's not my "dream" wedding, but I'm ok with that and have been excited about the plans we've made. But as soon as the idea of the increased guest list came up, I began to dread the wedding. And he doesn't understand.

My mom doesn't want the increased list, mainly because she'll feel awkward that I only have my parents there. And while she doesn't really have a say in it, the ceremony is at her house and she's paying for the fancy dinner after. My fiancé said he'll split the dinner bill with her, but I doubt she'll take it since we're paying for everything else.

So after all that, what do I do? I understand my fiancé's reasons and, at heart, I know he's right about his sister being excluded not being right, but I'm right that we can't add just her. I am generally a pretty laid back, go with the flow, people pleaser. But I really don't want to change this one thing. I realize I'm being pretty whiny and I don't mean to be, but it makes me so unhappy. And that's making him unhappy. He said if he had thought it would make me cry he wouldn't have ever brought it up in the first place, but he feels stuck between making me happy and making sure there aren't hurt feelings for his family.

Thanks for reading all of this. Any advice will be most appreciated.

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18 Comments

Latest activity by Leigh, on March 23, 2019 at 3:12 PM

Master September 2019
Sarah · on March 20, 2019 at 9:33 AM
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Are you ok with not inviting his sister and stepbrother if it means losing any relationship you have with them? I can’t see how including one sibling and excluding others is going to end with no one’s feelings being hurt.

If you AND your FH are fine with potential fallout your plan could cause then don’t change anything. If you aren’t ok with it, I think you need to go back to the drawing board.
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Super May 2019
Kiki · on March 20, 2019 at 9:38 AM
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That sounds like a rough situation, I do however agree with your FH in including immediate family which would be his sister and of course her SO. I mean depending on how close he is with the step sibling you can probably omit them but I think family is a nonnegotiable.
If my FH was feeling the same as you and wanting to exclude my family members I personally would have to think twice about marrying him.
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Master June 2019
Danielle · on March 20, 2019 at 9:38 AM
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I am sorry you are going through these emotions, but (just from reading your post and reasons) I do think it's unfair to exclude his siblings just because you don't have that many family members and have stage fright. I get not wanting to compromise, because of your fear, BUT if it were me I'd find a way to work through those feelings in order for my FH's immediate family to be there without excluding anyone. That is just me though! I get how it may be "easier said than done." I really hope you are able to find a peaceful solution for both you and your FH.
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Devoted July 2019
Futuremrs · on March 20, 2019 at 10:06 AM
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I don't really have a relationship with his stepbrother. In two and a half years, I've spent 3 occasions with him for a total of about 2 hours and those were the only times my FH saw him also. They aren't close at all. His sister and I aren't close. We'll talk if we are both at his house, but that's about it.

From my side of it, I'm not too worried about fallout and I didn't think he was, but after last night, it seems he is. My biggest concern about going back to the planning board is that everyone already knows our plans and now might feel like an afterthought.
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Master October 2019
Jolie · on March 20, 2019 at 10:06 AM
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I mean I don't have stage fright but from 4 to 12 people doesn't seem like a lot. Imagine people who have to do it in front of 100 more people, you still don't have to do that at least just for some perspectives! I think 12 is pretty reasonable. I think siblings should be included. Smaller weddings are usually immediate family which means parents and all siblings of the bride and groom. If you would've wanted it even less than that a courthouse wedding would've been fair. Step siblings I wouldn't feel the need to include if not close at all, and certainly not necessary to have the adult children. Only parents and siblings.
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Devoted July 2019
Futuremrs · on March 20, 2019 at 10:13 AM
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I see your point, but parents only was his idea. He's not close to his stepbrother, but I know his stepmother would be upset if we invite my FSIL and don't include their stepbrother and his fiancée. My lack of family is my mother's issue, not mine.
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Devoted July 2019
Futuremrs · on March 20, 2019 at 10:24 AM
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Thanks. I guess I know that I will end up compromising and they will all be there. But it won't be peaceful for me. It's definitely not what I want. What I'm finding though is that the wedding isn't for me. It's what everyone else wants and expects. The marriage and the future are for me.
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Devoted July 2019
Futuremrs · on March 20, 2019 at 10:29 AM
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You're right about perspective! Between our two families a full wedding would be over 240, so there is that. Lol And I thought about a courthouse wedding, or even eloping, but wanted a little bit more than that. If his sister is there, his stepbrother is nonnegotiable for his stepmother.
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Master June 2019
Danielle · on March 20, 2019 at 10:32 AM
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Yes! I have had to make my own compromises to appease FH's wants and wishes. Definitely has led to a wedding I didn't quite envision, but I'm trying to concentrate on the marriage and fun instead of the less desirable aspects.
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Master October 2019
Jolie · on March 20, 2019 at 10:33 AM
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Okay I think that's fair but I don't understand the adult children being included. I think it's fair enough to limit it to parents and yours and your FH's siblings/step siblings. I think it's a fair compromise in the long run because even though you yourself are not close to them you have to think about that that truly is your FH's family so it's probably meaningful or holds some weight at least. I think you will do just fine! Just breathe and don't stress yourself out thinking of being scared.
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Beginner September 2019
Frankie · on March 20, 2019 at 10:47 AM
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Im sure im the old bride here LOL when you want small, its immediate family. grandparents, Mom, dad, siblings - (no not their children. especially adults) from each side. No matter what someone will feel outed but its not about them. How much time you spend with someone does not dictate the closeness of a relationship. Maybe you can find a middle ground somewhere. Lets talk about your stage fright.... on that day its the last thing you will think of. you wont notice anyone else when walking. do not let your fear of what might be stop you from what you want. Good luck
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on March 20, 2019 at 10:59 AM
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I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, but I understand his point of view of wanting to invite his sister if he is inviting his brother. It would possibly wreck his relationship with his relatives to invite one sibling and not the other.
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Dedicated July 2019
Brittany · on March 20, 2019 at 12:47 PM
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Yeah I agree, the sister is being excluded and it sounds like shes been involved, helping with the kid. And your view is kind of flawed, this is going to be your family too, it's not just his anymore. I'm sorry if it sounds mean but don't make him choose between the two. If they do thats one thing but you shouldn't. I am sorry about your stage fright, I can't imagine what that's like. If you prefer you could elope or do a courthouse wedding and then just have a dinner with everyone. 2 months of planning isn't too bad of a waste and you are right, what's important is y'alls marriage. I am sorry you are going through this. I wish wedding planning was unflawed lol. Family definitely causes issues in most cases.
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Master August 2019
Allie · on March 20, 2019 at 12:51 PM
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It's not about your relationship with his family. It's about his relationship with his family. It's not necessarily fair for you to judge his relationship with them either. I think if he wants them there, they need to be invited.
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Devoted July 2019
Futuremrs · on March 20, 2019 at 1:12 PM
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I only brought my relationship with his family up because the comment I was responding to asked if I was ok with losing any relationship I had with his family. And I was pointing out that there I don't have a relationship with them.

I didn't think I was judging his relationship with them. It was his idea to go with parents only.
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VIP July 2019
Summerbride77 · on March 20, 2019 at 8:47 PM
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Hi Jessica,
I get the stage fright and wanting to keep it small. So just so I make I've got all my info straight. Right now the wedding is you and your FH, MOH, BM (your FH's brother), FH's child and your parents? He wants to expand the guests list to include all his siblings.
I think that he's in the right to not want to exclude siblings. And I think you're in the right to say compromise and say, but no nieces, nephews or boyfriends. (I think that brings your guest list to 6ish).
Marriage is about working together to find a solution that works with for both of you. You both can give a little guest list. Hope this helps some.
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Devoted August 2018
Ally · on March 23, 2019 at 12:17 PM
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Its not YOUR wedding, its for BOTH of you. You will have to make compromises for him too. Sorry but you might have to get over that stage fright. Most of us don't particularly want to share our first dance in front of a crowd. I personally do not want to dance with my dad bc that sht is awkward as hell (i am not that feminine), but I will deal bc its not all about me.
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Dedicated January 2020
Leigh · on March 23, 2019 at 3:12 PM
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If you are able maybe you can get some counseling for stage fright? It seems like having that better managed might be helpful in general. As for the rest of it, I wouldn’t marry someone who wanted to exclude one of my siblings from our wedding. It would be one thing if you were eloping and no family waa coming, but to invite one sibling and not the other is just too much. I hope you can work on your stage fright so this could be a better experience for you.
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