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Just Said Yes January 2022

i need advice please!

K, on May 16, 2020 at 5:17 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 11

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Well for starters I am not sure this is the right place even, but I would love some advise on what to do. To begin, my future mother in law (FML) has completely broken every boundary we have tried to set in my fiancé’s and my relationship up to this point. She has made dozens of screaming calls, over the span of a few months, to us and she is particularly abusive to my fiancé. On the turn of a coin she takes back her approval of things, the worst being the wedding date the day I made the venue deposit, and then she insisted we go on a destination wedding with limited family and no friends all because she wanted a vacation! She gave us some furnishings for our new house that she was going to throw away and now holds it and the fact that she birthed my fiancé over our heads whenever we disagree with any of her ideas saying, “I’m the reason you have everything you do.” She even threatened to kick my fiancé out of the family. She acts nice around everyone else and spreads rumors and lies about my fiancé, even prompting his grandfather to tell him to stop being, in short terms, an ass and pushing his mother/family away. We have tried to be kind and have repeatedly tried to tell her that we wanted her involved and have been so careful not to hurt her feelings but she just makes up stuff so we lose no matter what. I am positive this is not just us who sees this, my parents are completely astonished that anyone would act this way and have seen and heard this entire disaster unfold. Today was kind of my last straw because now on top of it all she has invited herself, and her whole family, on our honeymoon as well. My fiancé’s father (divorced from FML) wanted us to see my fiancé’s elderly grandparents who wouldn’t be able to make it out for the wedding so he offered to pay for our plane tickets so we could have our honeymoon in Vegas instead of where we originally planned to go. We felt that it would be nice to see them and agreed to change our plans. Today we got a call from my fiancé’s father and it went something like, you wouldn’t mind if FML and the rest of my fiancé’s family went too because they want a vacation (keep in mind FML and family will not be going to see the grandparents since they are divorced) saying “we all don't have to spend the entire trip together.” Now I have no idea what to do and it is really stressing me out!! 😣 this honeymoon was going to be our escape from the months of screaming phone calls, threats and manipulation and now she is going to be there too. I am not sure if I am being selfish about this and I have no idea of what to do. This whole process has been a nightmare for me and my fiancé. If you have any advice I would appreciate it so much! Thanks!

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11 Comments

Latest activity by Margarie, on June 4, 2020 at 12:27 PM

Master July 2021
Rebelle Fleur · on May 16, 2020 at 5:34 AM
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Wow, that is a lot to unpack. Firstly, someone can only treat you poorly if you allow them to and that’s exactly what you both are doing. If she is not paying for your wedding she should have zero say and since she’s not a nice person I would never accept a penny from her. I’d return the furniture immediately. I’d no longer tell her anything about the wedding AT ALL and honestly if she treated me like that she wouldn’t be invited. If you’re allowing this to happen now you’re in for a very, very unhappy marriage. You are not setting any boundaries. Learn to say no. Learn to hang up the phone. The second she raises her voice hang up and don’t pick up when she calls back. She can say what ever she wants she can spread as many rumors as she wants but as long as you know what really happened you should be at peace. You’re letting her get under you skin, press your buttons and she knows it. Stop allowing her to. You’re letting the entire family think that it’s okay to treat you that way and to invite themselves to your events so they’re going to continue to walk all over you. Why isn’t your FH standing up to his mother and the rest of his family? If this is any indication of how he plans to support you in the future that’s a huge red flag. No adult should be screaming at you or dictating how you should plan your wedding or trying to spend your honeymoon with you, that’s absurd. You guys need to both stand up for yourselves or it will only get worse. If she holds the furniture over your head give it back. If she’s contributed to your wedding return the money/items. It’s simple. You’re both adults, no one has any say in how you conduct yourselves. You and your FH need to have a very serious talk about the future of your relationship and how you’re going to handle all this emotional abuse going forward because eventually it will cause a rift.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on May 16, 2020 at 5:38 AM
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What does your fiancé think about all this? Have you sought couples counseling so that you can learn to enforce the boundaries you’ve set? People only follow boundaries if there are consequences. If it were me and I had put up with months or years of someone screaming at me (mother or not), I’d be cutting them out of my life. It took me a lot of time and a lot of counseling to come to the realization that not everyone deserves a seat at your table, no matter what the biological relationship is.
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Super October 2020
Leslie · on May 16, 2020 at 9:42 AM
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I work in a high touch customer service job. I don’t let my customers speak to me that way and I certainly wouldn’t a family member. How I find that works best is to not argue, let her vent and rant. When she’s done, say we’d be happy to calmly talk about this later but we’re ending the discussion. And hang up. Don’t engage. Don’t try and explain. She won’t hear you and you’ll never be right. The silence is the key. In person, you can literally walk away.
My favorite story about someone yelling at me was when he stop, he said you’re not saying much. Well Gordon, what more is there to say? Honestly to me she sounds like she’s got a drinking or drug problem. You can’t fix crazy.
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Super November 2019
Mrs. S · on May 16, 2020 at 9:50 AM
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I’ve never been in a situation like this, but from an outsider’s perspective...please don’t let your honeymoon be a family vacation. If it were me I’d just cancel and make alternate plans. Or take the vacation for what it is and schedule a separate honeymoon. But to me this is completely not ok.
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Dedicated October 2020
Joanna · on May 16, 2020 at 11:23 AM
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Honestly, I would stop accepting gifts from anyone at this point. Is your FML paying for the wedding? If not, she has no say anymore. Do you really want to go to vegas for your honeymoon? If not, don't accept the trip from your FFL. If she wants a vacation, she needs to take it herself. Say your planning your honeymoon for next year, and stick to that plan. Don't share details, don't ask for advice, don't give in.
In regards to the wedding itself, as hard as it is, your fiance needs to stick up for you two. I know it's hard, I know it's his mom, but the date and the venue is what you chose. This is YOUR wedding! NOT a family party NOT a family vacation NOT his mom's day. YOURS.
And if it continues to be bad, just start giving her the furniture back that she gave ya'll. This isn't worth it. YOUR wedding is.
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Expert December 2020
Kayse · on May 16, 2020 at 1:31 PM
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I agree with the PPs. I'd give the furniture back and not accept anything from her. No material items are worth your sanity. If she screamed at me, I'd hang up the phone. I'd also go on my own honeymoon and see the grandparents in Vegas at a later time, or go for a couple of days after the wedding and then take a separate honeymoon. I know it might seem easier said than done, but this is completely unacceptable behavior that will probably not change unless you take a stand.
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Super December 2021
Casey · on May 16, 2020 at 7:51 PM
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All of this! So well said.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on May 17, 2020 at 1:31 AM
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Yup! I agree too.
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on May 17, 2020 at 1:34 AM
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You need to set boundaries. Your FH needs to set boundaries. In fact, he should be the first to do it.
You should both try counseling, on your own, and together. Stop telling FMIL *anything* - seriously, just talk about the weather.
She is trying to take over your lives, and she will if you let her. Don't let her.
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Super February 2021
Kerin · on May 19, 2020 at 9:58 PM
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All the PP have said everything that needs said. i'm so sorry you're going through this, but I would definitely not allow it to go any further. good luck!!
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Dedicated October 2027
Margarie · on June 4, 2020 at 12:27 PM
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You are in NO WAYS being selfish. I am having difficulty with my MIL as well. I don't know what makes them act like this just totally irrational right now. I was wondering if it was because my fiancee is the youngest son but then I looked at it like we have been together for 17 years. Much like my own MIL I am at a loss as to tell you how to handle her but I can tell you what is working for me. I am taking a step back from focusing on her right now. I am getting caught up in the things that make me smile about the up coming wedding I am also making a pact with future Hubbs to not let this stress us out and we are not allowing her to make anymore changes to our wedding no matter what. Hope this helps you too.
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