OK to make a long story short, I’m getting married April 30, 2022, apparently according to culture, the godmother of the bride is usually the maid of honor who takes care of just about everything for me. I didn’t know this and I ended up asking one of my closest and oldest friend. I technically didn’t officially ask her, but when I told her I was engaged she dubbed that she would be the maid of honor, and being the fact that I didn’t know for sure about my God mom, I agreed.
Now here comes my predicament. My current maid of honor isn’t doing much of anything. It’s my first time getting married and I’m only 21, I’m also the first of my families generation to get married. Meaning my mother and her cousins as one generation and me and my own generation since I don’t have any cousins my age. If that makes sense. To summit up my maid of honor knows nothing about being a maid of honor. I’ve learned some things that she should and should not take up as a responsibility, but I’m not sure if it’s something I should just tell her, or I should just tell her to research it herself. I don’t want to play it the hard way, and I really just want to tell her her responsibilities in this position, but I feel like that’s some thing that I shouldn’t have to tell her. And she should go and take the time to find out. I wouldn’t have had to worry about this if it was my God mom. Don’t get me wrong I adore the both of them. But now I’m afraid that I might be doing everything myself, planning or financially, and idk what to tell my moh.. reminder, she did ask to be moh
What are your expectations of a maid of honor? Are you going by the ideas that tv and magazines/website articles portray with the maid of honor co planning from the beginning? Most of them in reality will buy a dress you choose, plan a shower as they are able, show up to support you, and have a great time. Anything beyond that is icing. What have you communicated to your maid of honor?
Honestly, I would stick with your best friend in the position and godmother can do her duties without the title of maid of honor.
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I didn't even know that! Based off what my family has been saying, she would plan and pay for the bridal party, Bachelorette party, and just show up and make sure everything is good so I don't have to worry. I haven't gone too into detail with her because I want to be budget friendly to her. I just didn't know what exactly was the common ground of responsibility aside from showing up.
Her role of maid of honor is to support you and love you and show up on your big day. She also should buy the dress you ask her to that’s within her budget that you and her have discussed. Anything else, as Michelle said, is extra. She doesn’t have to throw you parties, pay for everything or do anything else for you. Those are really nice! And if you want those things, you need to communicate. No one can read your mind. So if you want your maid of honor to throw you a bridal shower and a bachelorette party, you need to let her know you want those things and see if she could host with your God mother or your other family members if you don’t have other brides maids to help financially.
Making the day run smoothly is a day of coordinator's job that many venues require you hire. The maid of honor might contribute planning a shower or bachelorette (both optional and inexpensive options) but she doesn't pay for everything.
She might be waiting for you to assign her tasks to do. This is the first time for my MOH being one as well, and she was up front and honest with me, saying she didn’t really know what she should be doing and she didn’t want to step on my toes in case I was already planning things a certain way, which I totally respect. Hell, I didn’t even really know what she “should” be doing for me 😅 have a conversation with her about expectations for her role and what she feels comfortable doing. The wedding might not even be on the forefront of her mind, either, since it’s still a year out (and the fun parties and stuff she would be helping with don’t come until usually a few months before). Talk to her and give her a chance ☺️
It sounds like your maid of honor is not aware of the role the MOH plays in your culture, so she probably has no idea that she’s not meeting the expectations. Since this is something important to you, , perhaps a heart-to-heart? Tell her you want a wedding that aligns with your family culturally, and you did not realize that you were not supposed to choose your maid of honor based on friendship, but for her role as god mother. It will be tough but it sounds like it’s important to you. I would also talk to your mom and others to find out other wedding traditions you might not be aware of. OR you could have a non traditional wedding!
Yup, my Godmother was my Matron of Honor, and my long ti.e friend my Maid of Honor. You can have both. (maid if unmarried, Matron if married). Did you have any bridesmaids? Although a single person may volunteer to do a shower, particularly a small one 10-20, most often a small group of people hostess it together, volunteers. They may be al friends not in bridal party, or all bridal party, or women from the bride or groom's relatives. It could easily be GM, MOH, 1 friend of the bride, and one from the bride's sisters or aunts or cousins. If your Godmother and MOH like, they can ask a couple people to be cohostesses. Someone will. Guests must all be close to the bride ( except groom family welcoming her. ) They must all be on the guest list. The hostesses decide how any guests they can do, in a home or small restaurant, 10-40 usually. Usually it is desserts and coffee, or a light lunch.Going from a house or yard party where you may spend $10 per person, to a restaurant where it will usually start at $25-40 per person, and how many you hostesses can afford, determines how many of the bride's closest friends and female family the bride will give you on a list from the guest list. So, hostesses get other hostesses. The group decides what they can spend, type of party they want, and where to have it. Then bride picks who, or gives you a list, after hostesses say what they can handle. The bride does not choose just make a list, and those paying for it choose whether to spend $100 or $600 or far more.
Yeah, your Godmother can still plan all those things for you if she wants to. It's not anyones "job" or "duty" to throw parties for your, regardless of whether they are your MOH. Don't pressure your friend, if she WANTS to throw you any of those parties, she will.
Making things run smoothly is the job of a day of coordinator, not your friend.