Bridget
Devoted October 2019

i know i need to get over it but still angry

Bridget, on December 11, 2019 at 5:10 PM Posted in Married Life 1 23
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Our wedding was 46 days ago and it was fabulous and everything my husband and I had planned and hoped for. The part I still get angry about is the 15-16 people we paid for that didn’t show- to the tune of $3000.
We ran into one of my husband’s friends the other day one who didn’t show and I smiled and was pleasant but I was boiling underneath. He did apologize over text to my husband for not coming he apparently took s new job a month before the wedding, the company fired the other two guys in his position so he was literally the only one that day who could do his job and a customer came in late and he had to stay late to deal with it. Not only did this particular guest apologize to my husband- he offered to cover the cost of his plate- which we refused because things happen. I know everyone has this happen I’ve read it and heard about it and I know I need to just let it go. But ugh I just can’t. My Godson who was to be an usher, who two weeks before the wedding tells me he has a “new woman” and he is bringing her from Texas (we’re in Jersey) So I added her paid for her then two days before my Uncle- his father-tells me they aren’t coming. He was part of my wedding party! I bought him gifts, he was in the program! I was so devastated by it. I still can’t even say his name without either gritting my teeth or crying. It was the first time all 7 of my godchildren were going to be in one room. He didn’t and still hasn’t had the decency to tell me himself or contact me in any way.
My aunt fell the week before and my mom’s friend was in the hospital. This stuff happens I’m glad they’re both ok now. I gave my cousin my bouquet to give to her mom because she had wanted to come so bad. The rest of them all stupid excuses that they should have just rsvp’d no and although we would have been sad they couldn’t come I get our wedding isn’t as important to anyone else as it is to us. To say yes then not show. I just can’t believe how this bothers me this far out. The good thing is I didn’t even pay attention that night and nothing ruined our day I just don’t know how to stop harboring this resentment towards the really no excuse people two months later. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I know it’s stupid and I hate myself for being this way.


23 Comments

Latest activity by Traci, on December 21, 2019 at 2:27 PM
  • Neeva
    VIP September 2020
    Neeva ·
    • Flag

    It's definitely not stupid but it is something you need to work through. Consider counseling or talking with your FH about it.

    I think its rude for people to not come unless they have an excuse like an injury or being in the hospital. The other excuses are just tired and I can see why this makes you upset and may take you a long time to get over.

    • Reply
  • Jocelyn
    Devoted December 2019
    Jocelyn ·
    • Flag

    Were you the Bride with the eagles theme wedding? If so i totally loved everything about it,being an eagles girl myself! OK here comes the deep sigh...................You have every right to be upset. I find it very shocking how people don't know the etiquette that comes with weddings or the cost! Like you do realize I AM PAYING FOR YOUR PLATE? ugh! I understand your frustration because you could of saved a good chunk of change. Unfortunately the wedding is only the most important day to the bride and groom. Guest don't care as much and its sad. You have to figure out how you want your relationships to be now with the guest who didn't show(well the ones with stupid reasons). Do you want them in your life? Do you want to pull back from them now that they disappointed you? I'm sure i would be so upset if this happened to my wedding and i only have 46 guest in three days! I think a bride and groom went viral for sending guest a bill for the cost of their plate since they no showed. lol Totally something to do! You just got to figure out what you want out of the relationship from them to move on. Maybe if they throw a party you can rsvp yes and not show? OR show up with no gift since you already paid something for them.

    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    Sooooo I am going to be the jerk and see both sides. I agree with you being upset and it is improper to not show and not forewarn you so I get that. I would take advice from the last PP, do you want to still continue to have a relationship with these people that cancelled with no valid reason? I would say do not include them in important life events or maybe even little parties. It lets you know how you are important to them so I would say keep that in the back of your mind. I will say that not everyone realizes how much weddings cost and I did not fully understood until I started planning. I will say this and I am sorry this is not what you want to hear so pardon if this is rude. You have every right to be bothered by those that did not show or cancelled last minute without a valid reason but on the other hand it was your decision to choose to spend the amount spent on a reception. I think receptions are great but I feel they are horribly expensive and sometimes I feel anti reception because I hate that some plates do cost $100+. It is an over charge and I feel it is done because the word wedding is attached. I do feel that you should have the wedding you want but it is ultimately up to the couple how much they choose to spend so in regards to the cost that is on you. I do agree you have a right to be upset about how they treated you because yes if you are not going to go, then tell the people, that is etiquette 101, and be mad because it is disrespectful but I would not let the fees be the reason. Yes that is a lot of money and it sucks you are out that money but we all decide how much we choose to spend on the day. I would rather focus on them not wanting to be there for an important day. If these people are that important to you then I would take time away from them to not be angry at them and eventually forgive but do not forget. Other people that do not have higher priority to you, just cut them out because they showed how important you and your hubby are to them. I am sorry if you hate what I am saying but I guess my overall point is to not let finances to be the source of your anger...plus you are going to have a beautiful married life so why harbor anger and resentment. When you are ready, let it go but maybe do not include them in the future for important gatherings.

    • Reply
  • Bridget
    Devoted October 2019
    Bridget ·
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    Thanks for listening to me vent.
    • Reply
  • Bridget
    Devoted October 2019
    Bridget ·
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    Thanks for listening. A bunch were his side and friends that I don’t know well to begin with. I do feel bad for him that he had a short list to start with and so many just 🤷🏼‍♀️ I will get over it.
    • Reply
  • Bridget
    Devoted October 2019
    Bridget ·
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    You don’t have to apologize, I totally agree with you.
    • Reply
  • Bridget
    Devoted October 2019
    Bridget ·
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    And yes we were the Ragkes wedding. 😀
    • Reply
  • Bridget
    Devoted October 2019
    Bridget ·
    • Flag
    Eagles ugh!
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Well here is where I am a jerk...remember that stuff lol. I kind of like what someone said....go to one of their parties and do not bring a gift. I mean realistically I would be mad about the money but I feel that it is rude to not cancel in advance. Take your time to not let it bother you and whenever you do that is fine. More so, I just do not want others to control your happiness. Otherwise I do hope your wedding was fun and you had the people that truly love you two were there for you. If it takes time to forgive then it does but yeah be mad but then when you feel better just keep that in your mind for the future. Maybe these people do not get invites to anything in the future. Hope married life is amazing and you get to spend the holidays together as a married couple...YAY!

    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    Go ahead and vent! It’s so warranted. I was pissed over the 4 guests who flaked but 15-16??? $3K?! 🤦‍♀️ I guess what makes me most upset is the lack of consideration. These guests RSVP’d “yes” and knew it costs money per seat. But the excuses of “I was tired” or “I got busy” are ridiculous.


    For people you see often, I think it’s totally ok to express your disappointment.
    One guest works with my hubby—he lost all respect for him and doesn’t trust him anymore.
    • Reply
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag

    I am so sorry. I kind of feel the same way about my husband's uncle and cousin. The cousin is in his 30s, but can't hold a steady job. He still lives with his dad and step-mom (my husband's aunt). My husband's uncle refused to pay for the cousin's hotel room because he wanted him to be a responsible adult and pay for his own hotel room. The cousin decided not to come. My husband's uncle and aunt said they were going to attend so we paid for both of them. Apparently a week before the wedding my husband's uncle told my husband's aunt he wasn't going since his son couldn't attend. The aunt told my mother-in-law, but by that point it was too late because the wedding was 7 days away and we had already paid for him to attend. His excuse is so lame because he is the one that refused to pay for his son's hotel room which is why the son couldn't attend. I later saw on Facebook they went were hanging out a bar the night of my wedding. I was so angry. I haven't seen them since, but the aunt tried telling me she thought we hadn't paid yet. She seemed to think we paid the day of because she clearly doesn't understand how weddings work. We had some other people not show up, but we knew beforehand the one person might not be able to make it, but she was going to try. Her daughter-in-law had cancer and was only given a few months to live a few months prior to our wedding. Another person told us she was bringing a date and didn't which annoyed me. One of the groomsmen's parents were invited since my husband knows them really well, but the groomsman's mom was sick so she couldn't come. I understand that though. Although it sucks that we spent all of this extra money there is nothing that can be done.

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  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
    • Flag
    Yes, you definitely need to let it go. Your marriage, husband, happiness and future is worth much more than $3k. It’s 46 days in the past. So no need worrying about what you can’t change or control. 😉tenor.gif

    • Reply
  • Brianna N
    Super October 2019
    Brianna N ·
    • Flag

    I totally understand this. I had about 10 no shows as well and it is super frustrating. One of them especially, as he was one of my best friends, the first friend I made when I moved to Memphis 2 .5 years ago, and we were supposedly super close. We talked all the time, him and my husband became good friends too, he was the person I called (other than my husband) when I needed to vent about work or friends or school or whatever. We talked a ton about the wedding and he came to our couples shower and everything. A week before everything was great and he talked again about his plans to come to the wedding. Then the wedding came and he was nowhere to be found, I didn't even get a text or call. That was October 12th, and he STILL hasn't bothered to text or call me. A mutual friend recently said he still talks like we are still best friends, but no. It was extremely hurtful and I am just going to withdraw from the relationship. It really sucks but he has shown his true colors (and I checked to make sure nothing happened like he was sick, etc.). Some of my husbands friends did similar things. I am so sorry you are dealing with this, but we decided to just let those people fade away and not to reach out to them anymore. Their loss.

    • Reply
  • Stephanie
    Super July 2020
    Stephanie ·
    • Flag

    Its not wrong to feel how you feel. Feel it and get through it. I say just take some time away from these people for a while until you are in a better place and then gradually allow them back into your space.

    • Reply
  • Katie
    Devoted March 2019
    Katie ·
    • Flag

    I think you have every right to be upset! This isn't just a "hey the department might grab a drink after work, swing by if you want" type of event, and not only does it suck when someone unexpectedly bails because it's expensive, it's also a really important and meaningful day for you and people who act this way don't seem to have a grasp on that!


    I'm glad that you've made the distinction between those who have valid excuses (like the hospital, etc) or attempted to apologize. For others, consider their relationship to you, and if you feel like reaching out, definitely wait until you have had enough time to feel all of your emotions and will no longer react out of anger. It would be totally fine to say something along the lines of "Hey, I wish I had gotten a chance to see you at the wedding and catch up, and hate you missed such a special moment. Is everything okay?" but NOT "Hey punk, what's your problem for skipping out on my wedding?!"


    If you feel like these conversations will bring out too much anger and won't be productive, write a letter/type an email explaining your frustrations. Get everything out there, heck be mean if you have to, then trash it. You'll be able to work through your feelings and move forward with your super cool new MARRIED LIFE!

    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    I got angry at the no shows too for my wedding. It's frustrating because you do pay so much per plate and for them to not even give you a heads up or any excuse for it after is sad. I've got people that didn't come and to this day I've not heard a peep from them as to why. No congrats, no sorry, no nothing. But it is what it is. Life happens and it's annoying sometimes that it can be inconvenient but it is in the past
    • Reply
  • M
    VIP September 2019
    Mrs. Bubba ·
    • Flag
    I’d rather someone say yes and not show over someone just showing up.


    I had at least 3 uninvited guests.
    • Reply
  • Emily
    Expert September 2020
    Emily ·
    • Flag

    Lady, I would be right with you (and probably will be.) I've told my partner we are gathering the uncollected escort cards and those people aren't on the holiday cards list for quite a while.

    $1.50 a card plus a stamp...they should pay for their empty chair and open bar tab in 75 years or so and get back on the list. Smiley tongue

    • Reply
  • Catherine
    VIP November 2019
    Catherine ·
    • Flag

    I would be frustrated as well!! especially from family! not even a decency to call or text you STILL!! i had a few people cancel last minute and then some not show. but not that many. i'm so sorry to hear that but happy you still had an amazing day!!! i would definitely tell them your feelings. that might help you let go of some of that frustration and resentment. if they don't like it, oh well!! then you can take it from there.

    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Savvy October 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag
    I know how you feel. We ended up not getting gifts/cards from 40 people (including my husbands entire side of his family) and our wedding wine was given out to whoever by the case load. It has caused me so much anger and grief. I finally decided I have to let it go because it is no way to start a marriage. Try and move on and enjoy your life. Just don’t forget and don’t go out of your way for those folks in the future.
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