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Kate
Expert October 2020

i have had it with my fsil and cannot handle much more!

Kate, on February 11, 2020 at 1:25 PM Posted in Community Conversations 0 18

I apologize in advance for the absurd length of this post.

I guess I should start by saying I feel I have done everything in my power to help my bridesmaids be as comfortable as they can for all events surrounding the wedding. I picked out a color for their dresses and told them to pick whatever dress fit them best. My FH and I rented & paid for a 12 bedroom, 14 bath home (where the wedding is taking place) for each of them to stay with their SO's. We have planned for a grocery & alcohol delivery to the house so they aren't without food for the weekend. My parents have opened their home for bridesmaids meetings in attempts to help the girls save money. My parents have even offered to pay for the entire shower. I am not being picky with the bachelorette party. There has been so many other small things we've done to make sure everyone is happy and comfortable.

With that being said, I requested the bridesmaids to have their hair and make-up professionally done by a team that my FH and I hired for the day- the only parameter was that it needed to be an up-do of sorts. My FH and I were not willing to take care of the cost of this because we had already paid for a rather expensive house. My FSIL (FH's younger sister) was the only one that had something to say. She said her hair is "too heavy" for an updo and that she will style her own hair, followed up with I don't wear makeup so I won't be getting mine done. Mind you, she does not style her hair when we go out for a fancy event- it's ALWAYS kept in a side braid or a side bushy ponytail.

When I asked the girls to be my bridesmaids, I did it all in one shot at our engagement party. I gifted them a matching bracelet and earring set- specifically to wear on the wedding day. I overheard her ask someone in the room if they would wear them because she probably never would, so they can have it,

We tried planning a big wedding of 300+ people and after putting a deposit down on the venue of my dreams, we decided a wedding of that capacity wasn't for us. We began to make secondary (but equally as beautiful) wedding plans. Oh man, did my FSIL have something to say about that. She was mad her friends of many years were cut for friends that my FH has had for a few years. She HARPED on my FH that all of their cousins needed to be invited, even though we only see them once or twice a year at most.

At one point, my FH was contemplating on 2 last groomsmen, rightfully so. She asked him who was in the wedding party and he told her. She didn't like the answer, so of course, she offered her opinion. She felt more of the cousins should be in the wedding party since they "grew up together". He brushed it off.

A few weeks after we got engaged, we threw around a few different food ideas for the reception. She caught wind of our ideas and completely trashed them. And was also pissed we weren't going to provide our reception with her favorite beer.

Remember that big, beautiful, beachfront home we rented for everyone to stay at? She decided her and her boyfriend would rather stay with other people. So there's that.

The worst one of all- my incredibly busy bridesmaids decided on a weekend that worked for all of them for my Bach! It honestly is a miracle and totally meant to be. NOT SO FAST! Guess what? My FSIL has an issue with that weekend, of course. She is going to be on her very last day of vacation with her boyfriend and is refusing to leave 12 hours early. I mean honestly, their checkout is at 10AM on Saturday. For God's sake, just come home Friday night! You'll beat traffic anyway!

I have tried time and time again to politely bring the more important things to my FMIL like the hair & make up and bach party, but she just seems to have the stance that she can't make FSIL do anything she doesn't want to. I have had it with her and cannot handle much more!

18 Comments

Latest activity by Erin, on February 12, 2020 at 11:29 AM
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    I'm sorry, but she's entirely in the right here. You paid for a beach front house because it's your wedding venue, that's your responsibility. She's not required to stay there.

    If you're not paying for people to have their hair and makeup done, you don't get to decide how they wear it.

    If you wanted your FSIL to attend your bachelorette party, her schedule should have been taken into consideration. Attending a bachelorette party the same day I returned from vacation would be debatable for me in the first place, I surely wouldn't leave my vacation early for it.

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  • N
    VIP September 2020
    Neeva ·
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    I understand your frustrations but you will have to let these things go. She is going to be your sister and will be in your life for a long time so best to not make things worse.

    I think you can only request that people wear their hair up since you aren't paying for hair. As a bridesmaid I would do what you wanted but your FSIL cannot be budged. If you want to have your FH or FMIL talk to her you can but I doubt this will lead to something pleasant- she sounds like she has made up her mind. Just let it go and move on.

    For the bachelorette- just don't have her come and continue on with other plans. Not everyone can make it and that's okay. Tell her that's the weekend and you would love for her to come but if she can't make it then that's okay.

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  • Vannesa
    Expert October 2021
    Vannesa ·
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    I agree with PP. Sorry but even though you paid for that requiring them to have makeup and hair done a certain way also requires you to pay for it.

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  • Monica
    Dedicated October 2020
    Monica ·
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    Dang girl I don’t even know what to say fix this for you. That’s a hard position to be in. If I were you I would pull her aside and tell her how you feel. Remind her this is your day and she is lucky to be apart of it but If she can’t handle it or can’t step back and just enjoy it then maybe she shouldn’t be apart of the wedding or even come for that matter. I know she’s family but she’s being ungrateful and it seems like you’ve gone out of your way for her and she doesn’t care or appreciate it. I don’t stand for that. Also your fiancé should say something too bc it’s his family and he’s your future and he should date that your upset and want to fix it. I really hope it works out for you. Good luck.
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  • Amber
    Master February 2020
    Amber ·
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    I also agree with PP's. If you're requiring that hair and makeup be done professionally, you should pay for it. Even then, forcing someone to wear their hair in an uncomfortable style for them or forcing them to wear makeup is really controlling. My hair is always down and I wear very minimal makeup and I would be appalled if someone ordered me to pay for services I didn't want, let alone styles I would feel very uncomfortable with. I also don't think her missing the bachelorette party is that big of a deal. Two of my friends couldn't make mine so there was only five of us. And it sounds like you don't really like her anyways, so why try to force her to be there? I'm sorry she's frustrated you to this point and she does sound very opinionated (the beer/guest list/wedding party incidents), but I don't think any of this is a hill worth dying on. She's about to be your family, I would work more on your relationship outside of the wedding than her role in it. Stop telling her any wedding details that aren't imperative to her being there and continue your planning with all of this behind you.

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    In my opinion, if you're requiring a certain hairdo and/or it been done professionally, you need to pay. No questions asked. The beach house is nice to pay for lodging but it's your venue so you'd have to pay regardless. 3 of my 9 bridesmaids couldn't make my bachelorette, it was still super fun and totally fine.

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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    So glad I'm not the only one who felt this way.


    OP, I think you need to manage your expectations.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I cannot say I fully agree because you did request that of the ladies but at the same time I can see where others come from when they say that she does not have to use your make up artist. I feel like this, if she does not look that best that is her in her pictures. In regards to the other complaints she needs to stop and mind her own business. Has your FH said anything about her being so vocal about things? I can see letting where she stays and her make up go but she should not disrespect your wedding plans. I would ask her FH to talk to her but she seems to be a difficult person. It may not hurt for you to sit down with her and try to smooth things over because she is going to be your sister in law, like it or not, so maybe let her know that you will let go the hair and make up and where she says and ask could she make the bachelorette party late? I would then open up and ask why has she put down things in regards to the wedding day like the guest list and the drinks? Maybe let her know that it is hurting your feelings and you really want her support. Maybe there is a way she is feeling that you have not considered.

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  • Anna
    Super August 2020
    Anna ·
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    Agreed.
    You are going to ruin the relationship with your FSIL over this and she's doing nothing wrong. Sure, it was rude of her to try and regift the jewelry (even though jewelry you are requiring people to wear shouldn't be considered a gift but that's my opinion--- its a prop for your purposes). Sure it's annoying that she's trying to have others invited and that she's commenting on the food. But overall, there is not one thing in the post that seems to warrant the reaction you are having. Let it all go. You will be happier. Also, stop talking to your FMIL about it- you will come out looking bad!

    Editing to Add: I've never been to a bachelorette where everyone was able to come. It's almost impossible.

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  • Kate
    Expert October 2020
    Kate ·
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    Every wedding I've been in, I've had to take care of the cost of hair & make up services, therefore, I truly didn't see any issue with this. I've also done a lot of research about this topic with professionals in that field, this is just what I decided on. I have a certain vision for my wedding and haven't felt like any of my requests have been outlandish. As much as I would love to tell her to wear her hair however she pleases, she can't tame it on her and she knows it. She goes to a hair dresser once a year and they literally cut her ponytail and send her home. We've suggested other salons and she says she doesn't think they're good enough for her. I guess my entire point is that she just doesn't seem to be willing to be apart of anything or prepare herself for the wedding.

    I do like her, I spend time with her and I see her almost every weekend. We spend a lot of family time together. She has never been this way until we started planning our wedding. It's also not a big deal to me that she misses the bach party. It's actually more of an issue with my FH than it is with me. However, she will complain until the end of time that she couldn't make it.

    Thank you for the advice. I think it will be best for our relationship to keep her out of the remainder of the plans for sure

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  • Kate
    Expert October 2020
    Kate ·
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    You're right, it's on her if she doesn't like how she looks. Oh well. I guess I just had a different vision for my wedding and our family photos but I there's not really a whole lot more I can do to change it. I've brushed most of it off and I'm glad she is staying with people she is more comfortable with. I'm just frustrated that she truly sees no issue in what she's doing. I guess her and I just have two different POV's. My FH has mentioned some things to his mom because it's very difficult to talk to my SIL about any issues. She instantly gets her back up and thinks we're personally attacking her. At some point, we are going to have to discuss everything though. That's a good point. Thank you for the input

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  • Caitlin
    Expert January 2021
    Caitlin ·
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    I 100% understanding you frustrations here, although dont let it ruin the process for you. i get that she doesnt really want to pay for hair and makeup services and i can even comprehend her not wanting to leave vacation early - very understandable. HOWEVER, you and your husband need to make it clear that it is NOT her wedding. she doesnt have a say in his party, who gets invited (there is absolutely no reason for her friends to be there unless theyre close mutual friends of your hubby because your wedding isnt intended to be a party for her), shouldnt be talking badly about the gift you got her behind your back but should instead be thankful, and she sure as hell doesnt have a say in the food or drink choices, regardless of whether she likes yall's decisions or not. i doubt shes contributing financially so id tell her that if she wants to be a part of it, suck it up, deal with it, and cooperate. id never put up with any of that from my sister in laws... thats crazy. i cant believe she thinks its actually about her. its about you and your future hubby, all there is to it. its important for everyone to have fun but you shouldnt be required to make sure her favorite beer is there or anything like that. just remind her that its your wedding, not hers, which means you make the decisions and dont really care if she likes it or not. she doesnt have to be a part of it. try to relax and enjoy the planning process as much as possible and dont stress the small things.
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  • Kate
    Expert October 2020
    Kate ·
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    It's not my wedding venue. It's a second home, a few doors down from my wedding venue. Also, we are paying over $500 in travel fees for the team to come to the venue and over $300 in tips. I am not sure why it is such a big deal for me not to pay for the services? I have always paid for my own services for weddings. I also did a TON of research and consulted with professionals in this field before making my decision.

    As for the bach party, it is what it is. This is an annual vacation she used to take with my in laws family, now she takes with her boyfriend. They have always, without fail, come home on Friday afternoon to (like I said) beat traffic.

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  • Anna
    Super August 2020
    Anna ·
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    It's 100% fine for you not to pay for their hair/makeup. In fact, it's incredibly common to do it that way. You are right. No big deal..
    I've always paid for mine when in weddings.

    That's not what we are saying.

    What we are saying is: if you aren't paying, then you can't dictate the services (the style, the use of the professional, the look, etc.) No pay no say, basically. If you aren't paying then it's simply an option for your bridal party and should not be mandatory. Basically, "hey i've hired a professional makeup/hairstylist for the day. Please let me know if you are interested, it costs $___ per person. If you are not interested it's totally fine if you do your own hair/makeup".

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  • Jennifer
    Master September 2018
    Jennifer ·
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    I have to agree with the others. Regardless of what you already paid for your wedding, you cannot request they get their hair and make up done and not pay for it.

    Besides this she sounds like a joy - just kidding, lots of luck !

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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I get it but how she looks won't impact your wedding day at all. As long as you're marrying the man of your dreams then that's all that matters. She'll understand once she plans a wedding. I feel you two should limit wedding talk with her and at this point leave her be. If she comes to the Bachelorette... Great if not oh well. As long as she comes to the wedding that's all that matters. I wouldn't let her stress you further.
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  • S
    Expert October 2020
    Shaina ·
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    Wow. I am so sorry you are frustrated with this. Honestly, my FH's sister is similar like this and it seems like she is trying to make it difficult for everyone on purpose. It suckss!! Me and Fsil had a face to face convo and got the reasoning to her actions and FMIL was there as well and described that Fsil was out of jealousy that her older brother is getting married and shes not his number one anymore and she will just have to deal with that. However, you dont want this to break the relationship. It is less stressful to try to keep her close and involved if she does not want to. I had a similar thing with hair and make up too, I had to let it go. I basically told her " you are paying for it so you get to choose but I would appreciate it and love to see your ideas of what you want to do". It also is a bit too soon to talk about styles, because we don't have the dresses yet. If you fsil wants to stay somewhere else and do her own thing, just make sure she is at a certain place at a certain time. DON'T stress yourself out on it trust me , not worth it.

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  • E
    Just Said Yes November 2020
    Erin ·
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    Wow, that's a lot going on. I totally get your pov, and even her's a little. I would defiantly pull her aside and tell her exactly how you feel about it. I think it might be one of those you have to let slide because she's going to be your sister in law. However I would talk to your future hubby and ask for his help. He's probably had a lot of experience dealing with her, and if anything he can just help you figure all of this out.

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