i Feel Like a Big A-hole, but i Don't Want to "courtesy Invite" People

What I've seen over and over here is that the people issued courtesy invites, because the couple is so sure they won't come, and the ones who always RSVP yes.

So as to the coworkers, you can certainly decide not to invite them. If anyone asks, you can just say that you had to keep the wedding small, and just weren't able to invite everyone you wanted to. If none of them get invitations, they will likely understand.

As for the ones your Dad wants you to invite, is he contributing to the wedding? If not, you'd be perfectly justified in saying that you're having to confine the wedding to people you are close to, which does not include them.

I agree with all the advice from 2d Bride. They would have to understand if you don’t invite them and say you’re keeping the wedding small. 40 more people to pay for is a lot! You’re not an a-hole for not wanting to give courtesy invites. This is an important day and should be shared with the people who are most important to you.

Do not send courtesy invites. Every invite has a price tag on it for you and your fiancé. My fiancé was the one that thought we needed to send every cousin, etc invites. We went through the list and marked off those who we don’t care if they come, the cousins who are nothing but trouble, anyone we would not want to share a meal with, or anyone who we were sure wouldn’t care to come (or those who he assumed would not come but thought it was polite to invite anyway). You would be surprised how many of the out of towners or coworkers that you didn’t really want there anyway will actually come if they are invited. A wedding isn’t a family reunion or block party. They’re very expensive and also intimate. I will say, you might get some backlash for this. My mom threw a FIT when she found out I didn’t invite some cousins or aunts. I’m not close to them nor do I like them or their company. I would send them all a gift card to go eat somewhere before I would ask them to witness my vows. My fiancé and I are paying for this out of our pockets so his and my opinions are all that I’m concerned about.

View Quoted Comment My FH wanted to do the same thing when I started talking to him about the guest list. I told him no! Lol. (I wasn’t that abrupt). But I did calmly say to him, “if we send an invite to all these people, you would be really surprised at how many would actually show up and then we would be paying extra that we didn't want to pay for in the beginning. “

No courtesy invites. Unless you really hang out with the 4 co-workers outside of work, skip em. No drama (if other co-workers find out), no extra cost. Then you can tell anyone who asks about an invite, “we’d love to invite more guests but it’s family-only (or a small wedding).

I have a few aunts and uncles that I would rather not invite. Unfortunately, it would start WW3 if I invited some but not all, and it's not worth the headache for me to exclude them. My only hope is that it's a long trip to get here, and airfare and hotels are expensive in June >.> i totally know where you're coming from. I also work in a lab, but with 4 other women, the difference is, the people I work with have been very critical of my wedding choices xD. I feel absolutely no obligation to invite them what-so-ever. Best of luck to you.

View Quoted Comment Thank you!!! I'm starting to feel less guilty about all of this. They can look at the photos afterwards. It's wayyyyy too many people to invite.

No do not feel guilty. It is hard but I tell you what, do not invite a few co workers unless you want because it can quickly turn into well if I invite so and so then I should invite so and so. I would say if you were just doing an intimate wedding then have a larger reception and invite those not able to see the nuptials but that is out. I would just tell them that you and the FH decided to keep the wedding small for budget and are keeping it to close friends and family. That was it does not spiral out of control. I already had a friend that I do not see often tell me if I do something she hopes I invite her because I love her but if I invite her I have to invite everyone we both associate with. I already told her it would just be us two worse case something very small but no official wedding. I will invite her to an informal bridal brunch. Maybe you could just say I would love to meet up for brunch with you all to celebrate. No gifts just hanging out?

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This is a great idea!! If I had it my way, I would invite 4 people from work. They are like family to me. I think everyone else will understand. Of course people would like to go and I would like to invite everyone because weddings are beautiful and magical. But, we just can't afford it. So, I'll have a B List, which I sort of think is offensive, but not really. My dream venue is 90 bucks a person. So, it's PRICY! And people usually only give you 100 bucks as a gift, which only covers one meal, not the two in this case if we were to go with this venue, haha. I'm not trying to profit off of my wedding, but i'm not dipping in my savings either.

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Hmmmm considering that you consider those 4 good friends I would say invite them. I love my co workers but if we have a post elopement reception I would only invite like 5 of them. Why? I have a close relationship with them where I can talk about personal problems and I see them outside of work. Also, I hate to say this but every wedding I have been to I never gave $100 so I would not have that expectation. A reception is a thank you and the gift does not need to be the price of the plate. Not sure where that rule came from. I feel even co workers you would be surprised if you were invited to their big day if they had to pay. If you have a close relationship with these people then invite them. I think the B list may not be a good idea but I do not have expertise in that area.

I work in all of Houston bouncing from office to office for my job. I have grown to be close with a lot of the women that I work with and they also "daughter me" because I'm so much younger. That being said, I can't afford to invite them all. I decided on the three that I see and speak with the most. If they come, great. If they can't, that's okay too! Invite the 4 that you can and don't look back. People should understand that wedding are EXPENSIVE!

I understand the frustration that you have here. I have lots of family on my mom’s side that I have to extend the invite to. I think nobody will be offended if you just say that you have to limit the guest list. If they do get offended, that’s a then problem and not a you problem. If you don’t want to invite your coworkers, don’t feel obligated.

My husband and I sat down and wrote a list of people we absolutely want there. Luckily our lists were exactly the same, literally. My parents of course wanted like 30 other people there, people that I barely knew, people that I know I’m related to and we talk but we just aren’t close at all. So we got a list from them and we went through it and chose what WE wanted and were comfortable with. My parents (especially my mom) was a little butt hurt I didn’t invite one of her sisters, but I was straight up and gave her an honest reason, she didn’t like it but she backed off and she understood and let it go. My husbands brother wanted to bring his girlfriend, his brother is very immature and his girlfriends are always inappropriate, so it was a definite no, and he even told him that if he wad going to bring her anyways he can just stay home. He showed up without her and was fine. He even cried during the ceremony. His mom wanted her boyfriend there, who was unsupportive of the whole thing and my husband doesn’t want anything to do with him anyways, so it was a no as well. People got over it pretty quick. It’s like ripping off a bandaid. We had less stress and more fun, and not a ton of awkward tension. I’m very happy with the way we did things.

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Thank you! I agree! Starting to feel more and more comfortable doing what feels right in my heart.

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LOVE THIS! I had my ex-step-mom tell me today that she would understand if I DIDN'T invite her and that was HUGE to me. She is honestly on the maybe list, even though we don't have the best relationship, but I thought that was really kind and big of her to say. So, if even SHE, who I thought would be really offended that I didn't invite her can say she understands, than anyone else, and everyone else should understand, and if they don't, then I know they weren't worth inviting anyways.

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THI SIS EVERYTHING! People have to understand that this is not a family reunion, like you said. It's intimate and if I wouldn't want you visiting after the birth of my first child, then why would I want you at my wedding that I, have to PAY for YOU, to attend. Honestly, i'm starting to look at it as a PRIVILEGE and and HONOR to attend and be invited to a wedding. These people are including you on one of the most important day of their lives and are paying you to be there, knowing that you are not expected to give a gift or money at all. It's so nice when people do, but not everyone does or can, and in the end I just want people there that I want to celebrate our love and relationship.

I am a teacher and while I enjoy all of my coworkers, I am not inviting all of them and I do see them every day. Furthermore, I am the music teacher (elementary school) so I literally teach every single one of their classes. They're all aware I am getting married, but I am only inviting the people on my "team" (the art, library, PE teachers) to the wedding. I think anyone who has ever seen the costs of a wedding would be more than understanding

Invite who is important to you and who you want to share your big day with.

Anyone who gets upset about not being invited to your wedding is a person who cares more about themselves than they do you. If they care about you they will want you to do what makes you happy. Most people understand that not everyone wants a giant wedding and not everyone can afford to invite all the people they work with.