Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Just Said Yes July 2019

i don’t want to invite sisters long term boyfriend

Sarah, on February 1, 2019 at 1:06 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 12

Saved

Flag
Hide content

Hi everyone,

Im stuck in a tough situation. My sister wants her long term boyfriend to attend my wedding .I do not want him there at all and either does my husband. They are together 8+ years and have 4 girls together. My sister is my maid of honor and my nieces are the flower girls.

The reason I do not want him there is because about 2 years ago my sister told us about the problems she was having with him and that he had been physically abusive to her the majority of their relationship and taking drugs heavily leading up to that. I’ve seen my sister with bruises on her and in some of the worst states I’ve ever seen. He would throw things at her, smash windows in their house and even break things belong to the kids. They have been through court and all of that but he always managed to squirm his way back into my sisters life.

They have been back together since the start of the year and says how he’s changed and bla bla bla. My family talk to him and get along with him like nothing ever happened. I do not talk to him and don’t ever want to talk to him again after what he put my sister through.

I really need some advice on what to do. I understand my sister wants to try and move forward and have her family together but I’m torn on my own feelings towards him and trying to keep my sister happy.

Thank you for reading.

Flag
Hide content

12 Comments

Latest activity by Megan , on February 1, 2019 at 4:51 PM

Legend July 2019
MrsD · on February 1, 2019 at 1:20 PM
Flag

Hide content
Have you had this full conversation in person with your sister, just you two? I imagine she would understand if you didn't want to invite him, especially because of his past. Have you seen him since they got back together, do you think he has changed? If you stick to your decision and he isn't invited, will your sister & her children still be in the wedding? If he is invited, will you want to hire security to control any bad situations?
- Reply
VIP September 2019
Brae · on February 1, 2019 at 1:21 PM
Flag

Hide content
I totally get why you feel like that. I would hate inviting him too. The only thing is though if you don't invite him that could ruin your relationship with your sister, and if my sister was in an abusive relationship, I would do anything I could to get her out. I couldn't do that though if she stops telling me things. If she stops talking to you because you didnt invite him, that could ruin your chances of helping her too. It's a super hard position to be in because you don't want to show support for her relationship with him, but you also need to maintain a relationship with her. I would invite him, but explain to her that you want what's best for her and you dont think he's that. Also mention that if anything occurs at the wedding he will be asked to leave. (Depending on what he does/how severe I would call the cops as well. )
- Reply
0000
Mim · on February 1, 2019 at 1:21 PM
Flag

Hide content
You risk increasing the chance of your sister and your nieces not coming if you don't invite him. An abusive person works to separate their partner from loved ones. You also risk him escalating abuse towards your sister.

It is a lousy lousy situation. Should he, or anyone really, begin to cause any sort of scene at the wedding have someone prepared to escort him out. That could be a wedding planner, venue staff, hired security, or that tough cousin/uncle/friend.
- Reply
Super September 2019
Meghan · on February 1, 2019 at 1:23 PM
Flag

Hide content
It is a very tricky situation, but in the case of an abusive relationship you're probably better off inviting him, even if you want nothing to do with him. But if he's not invited he may threaten or manipulate her into not going by herself, or even just take any anger he has about not being invited out on her. You don't have to interact with him at the wedding, there will be plenty of other guests to occupy your time.
- Reply
Beginner June 2019
Unique · on February 1, 2019 at 1:40 PM
Flag

Hide content
I'm struggling with things myself but personally if this is who your sister has chosen to be with(good, bad,) it should be respected. Hes just a seat warmer. His daughters should see him there in case they need that.
But it's your day.
- Reply
Lady · on February 1, 2019 at 1:43 PM
Flag

Hide content
I would also be a little bit concerned that not inviting him could cause MORE issues with your sister regarding the abuse. I would not want him taking that out on her. I would definitely invite him.
- Reply
Just Said Yes July 2019
Sarah · on February 1, 2019 at 1:51 PM
Flag

Hide content
Thank you for your advice guys. I’m going to invite him. I don’t want things getting worse between them. I’m hoping things will go smoothly now.

Im also planning on have my sister and her kids at our venue for 5 days. 2 days before the wedding and 2 days after. Would it be wrong to only invite him for the day of the wedding and for him to leave the next day?
- Reply
Master September 2019
Colleen · on February 1, 2019 at 1:58 PM
Flag

Hide content
If you do not invite him your sister may cut you out of her life.
- Reply
Super December 2020
Sophie · on February 1, 2019 at 2:00 PM
Flag

Hide content
My main concern is he would be abusive or controlling to her if he was not invited. I know you don’t like him, but not inviting him may be more of a stress to her and damaging to her than anyone else.
- Reply
0000
Mim · on February 1, 2019 at 2:50 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
You could try, but at the smallest sign of push back from her or him just invite him for the entire time. Hopefully he'll have enough other things to do that it won't be an issue. Remember that at the end of the day, her safety is more important than anything.
- Reply
Expert May 2021
· on February 1, 2019 at 4:50 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Could you maybe tell him those two days before and after are for the girls in the bridal party? Like, you’re just watching girl movies and doing nails, etc as a thank you for being in the wedding and the two days prior are for rehearsal/decorating and prep?
- Reply

VIP January 2019
Megan · on February 1, 2019 at 4:51 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

THIS. SO MUCH THIS. Not inviting him could likely make the abuse worse and put you in a situation where you have no relationship with your sister. I feel for you on this one, but I would invite him and play nice so that you can keep an eye on your sister and her daughters. Then, for me I'd file a child services report because I am required to by law. But as soon as the wedding was over I'd be trying to get her out.
- Reply