i don’t want to be involved in my friends wedding because of how she’s behaved for mine

What are you getting out of this friendship? If the answer is "nothing", then walk away. Life is too short.

Honestly, head to the dollar general and buy decorations for her shower. Sounds like it would not only limit your expenses for her shower, but also get you out of the commitment (since she said she’d fire you). This person sounds TOXIC and unhealthy to be around. You don’t need that level of stress and negativity when you should be focusing on your upcoming nuptials.

Holy cow this is a lot. All I can say is this woman needs YEARS of therapy. Your sense of loyalty is admirable and you sound like a good friend. However, if you don't respect her as a person (and it sounds like vice versa), you deserve better. Currently you don't have a friendship with this woman- you are her doormat to wipe her particularly dirty feet. Is that what you want to be?

Oh man, this sounds like a very difficult situation! Please leave this relationship gracefully and ASAP, like today - you could call her and cite that you're busy and overwhelmed with your own life, and can't dedicate the time and energy she requests (meaning requires) of her bridesmaids. From your post, it sounds like this is a one-way friendship, and she seems to be using you. It also sounds like everyone around her [including her toddler ] walks on eggshells around her for fear of her lashing out, and they apologize even when they haven't done anything wrong. The things she's said and done to YOU sound like manipulation and emotional abuse, and it sounds like her treatment of others is the same. Please listen to us on WW as objective third parties, but more importantly your fiance and other friends - in my experience, if EVERYONE around you is calling someone out for being a wolf in sheep's clothing, they are indeed a wolf in sheep's clothing. Please get out of being a bridesmaid - it even sounds like your gut/intuition was leading you to do that in the first place. Enlist your fiance's and friends' help in maintaining boundaries with her once you've set them. Your health (especially mental health) will thank you. KNOW that you have done wayyyyy enough for this person, and now it's on her to be a good person who treats people respectfully. Since she can't do that, you must leave this situation. Also, a heads up that there's a 99% chance she will lash out at you, insult your character, and throw a "woe is me" party on the phone when you step down as a bridesmaid. She will try to guilt trip you into it. Be prepared: have notes/talking points, and HAVE SOMEONE THERE WITH YOU to help you stay the course (and encourage you to hang up if things get nasty). You are strong! Your intuition is leading you in the right direction, and you will prevail. You will be so much healthier as a result of getting this person out of your life.

Trauma bonds aren’t good bonds no matter how long you’ve known the person. Toxic friendships that drain you aren’t ok. People who expect so much from you and are constantly taking without even a small ounce of gratitude aren’t ok. I’ve literally just ended a friendship because of something similar but not close to as crazy as your situation. At the end everything was about her, constantly venting about her. If I ever went to speak about me it was changed into something about her. I won’t go into further details because it’s a lot more.


You’re friends with this person because you like to help people in need. My best friend told me “you genuinely feel bad for her and have always wanted to run to her rescue. You have only wanted to help her and never expected anything in return. You’re being taken advantage of by this person because they know you’ll come running.”
At the end of the day it won’t be easy at all but if you feel at peace with this person out of your life then that’s what you need. She seems super draining and has her own issues she needs to deal with. You can’t fix her. You can however relieve yourself from the toxicity and live happily. She’s very narcissistic.

View Quoted Comment The thing too is that I know it’s possible to come from a place and background like her and choose to take the steps to learn as an adult what you didn’t from your “role models” as kids. I started therapy and took parenting classes and read books the second I found out I was a mom. Because I knew I was going to do a good job no matter what but her daughter really seems to be cute for photos and she wants nothing to do with her otherwise. Dad puts the baby to bed by himself every night and resumes her care when he gets off work and she is free to go wherever and do whatever even though he works two jobs eighty hours a week and she hardly watches her daughter during the day and has no patience if she wants any kind of attention. I do go to therapy from time to time whenever I feel like I could benefit and it helps very much and you’re right, it does take years to unlearn some of this stuff and you have to want it. We connected as kids because of similar backgrounds and negligence from our moms, and now we don’t relate on anything. She actually started crying and told me that she feels like she can’t relate to me as a mom even because I’m “so much better at it.” And it’s mean to say, but I think that’s obviously the truth. So I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t know if that was her being manipulative fishing for me to tell her she’s doing a good job or if that’s honest self awareness. I just told her that the only thing we can do is be self aware and work on becoming the type of parent we want to be and feel our kids deserve and it’s not too late to do that. But I felt she took it the wrong way even though she was the one who went there, I would’ve never said that I was better or brought that up at all. Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s materialistic of me to expect things from her but I do feel she’s accustomed to expecting a lot from me.

Wow lol! That's a lot. From this long explanation she seems like a lot.. And honestly, just because she was a part of your wedding doesn't mean you have to be a part of hers. If she is too much for you then don't be a bridesmaid. She has really high expectations and it seems like you don't want that which you are 100% entitled to say no to!

However.. Because of how she is, it seems like she is very difficult. With that being said I think you need to reevaluate your friendship with this girl :/

Good luck!

View Quoted Comment My wedding actually hasn’t happened yet it’s in February 😂 but she isn’t going to the ceremony and reception she’s just technically in the bridal party and involved in the prior festivities because she couldn’t go to the ceremony. But she backed out of my bachelorette party because she couldn’t convince 14 other people to go for a different idea and there’s was 20 dollars more per person.

I drafted this today and I hope it’s not out of line I haven’t sent it yet
So I haven’t been exactly sure of how to say this or if I should say anything or if I’m a major hypocrite for feeling the way I do but I’ve come to a point particularly this week where my insides feel like they’re on fire and I’m consumed by negativity and noise that I haven’t felt for a long time. I don’t want to upset you, I want you to be so happy and have a beautiful wonderful life that you want deserve and dream of but I feel like you’re holding yourself back. I’m telling you this and not others because I don’t want to gossip about you I don’t want to hurt you I want to be there for you and I want to be your friend and as a friend be able to tell you that I feel like from where I’m sitting you’re expecting a lot from those in your life, Justin, your friends, etc without being willing to give much. I don’t think you treat Justin very well and I think you expect him to take on the burdens of finances and parenting and your emotional health and you should be allowed to just storm off when you’re upset, go out with people and he should just take care of the baby and write it off to you were too upset to be there. When you broke up I heard you saying concerning things like that you wouldn’t help him with your daughter because “he is gonna see he can’t do this without me.” You cited a time you pushed him down the stairs during an argument. You told him if you weren’t together he’d have to pay an ungodly amount of money in child support and should pay for you to stay in the house you have now. Which isn’t the case my dad makes over 100k and paid 800 a month and when he got custody of me, didn’t pay child support. And Justin would probably have custody of juniper it sounds like. I understand you were emotional, but I’ve also heard you saying he better propose to you because you’re nails are done and about how you fought with him about getting engaged for a long time. I think if your photography business is going to be your job, you should reassess your pricing so that you’re able to contribute to bills and wedding expenses if you’re not getting bookings at your current rates or if that’s undermining your worth and the market, you should be working a job with more substantiated incomes Even if you “can’t imagine doing something other than photography.” I think you expose your daughter to very inappropriate adult emotions and you feel badly about it but not enough to commit to changing your behavior towards her and her father. You told me you didn’t want her when you and Justin weren’t together and wished you’d had an abortion. But then not more than a year later you’ve been trying for a baby this whole time. And at one point when we were at outback you told me that Justin better agree to having a second or “I’ll just have to trick him. That’s what’s going to happen.”
I think that you showed up to my bridal shower late, empty handed with no gift and then at the end of the day told me how it wasn’t up to your standards and nobody cared about it, but I feel you projected that you didn’t care about it. You didn’t plan anything or bring anything. You blew me off for my birthday. And we’re causing drama and demanding apologies in the bachelorette party group chat at the mere thought of not every single person bending to your will. You wanted fourteen people to go with what you wanted and then called them controlling. Everybody contributed to my bridal shower within their means and tried to make it special within their means, knowing the bachelorette party would be more expensive. I can’t really say the same with you. But now you want me to be way more involved with your shower than you were with mine. You asked everybody with cute proposals and t shirts but I get asked six months after everyone else and told I can buy my own bridesmaids t shirt because you can’t afford it. But then I need to buy an 80 dress asap, you’re not providing food or alcohol that I’m aware of on the day of. Im supposed to travel to Bellevue and figure out my accommodations and I’m not even sure if you’re planning on feeding your bridal party that day at all? It seems like you care about pictures and about aesthetic and gifts but you don’t care about your guest experience or bridal party. You want us to set out a budget for your bridal shower and bachelorette party and split the hotel room with you and buy our own dinner and travel to Bellevue, but you picked your favorite bridesmaids to buy t shirts for and the rest get a link to buy our own. I feel like when you and Justin split you talked to me for the first time in years. And I paid for everything from brownies to face masks to an Applebees picnic. And I’ve continued to try and be generous and a good friend and be better than the person I used to be. I know I haven’t always been capable of the type of relationships and parenting that I am now and I’m in no way judging you, I just feel like you make yourself miserable. I feel like you’re not happy the way things are and from where I’m standing you do feel insecure and when I listen to you talk I hear you saying you want to be a better partner friend and mom and that’s why I continue to stay in your life and support you. I just feel like a traitor because these are my honest thoughts. And I do care for you and I do want to go to your wedding I just sometimes feel like I can’t even say, you should maybe provide breakfast and lunch for your bridal party at least. I feel like I can’t tell you how I feel because I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want you to be mad at me. But I feel bad I’ve kept all this inside me because it’s so much to tell you at once. And I know that I’m sending this I may get kicked out of your wedding and I do understand. I just can’t keep this inside me anymore.

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Ohhh oops lol!

But still, I feel as if you need to reevaluate this friendship you have with her as she seems toxic and miserable..

Also do you plan on texting her that message or having a face to face conversation to her about all of that?

View Quoted Comment If I talk to her face to face I will shell up, not get a word in, not be able to say what I need to and get assasinated verbally. I barely feel like I owe her an explanation at all, let alone in person.

View Quoted Comment What your friend says definitely resonates and some of my compassion points with her are starting to feel construed by her as manipulation to make me feel bad enough to continue being her friend. I definitely feel like I can’t vent without her changing the subject back to her and feel she talks so much I can’t really tell her my input on what she’s saying.

View Quoted Comment This is very good advice all around and I needed to hear every word of it, thank you very much for taking the time to write this.

View Quoted Comment This is…a lot. I don’t understand how anyone could process this, and I honestly think it’d be moot because toxic people get defensive when accused.
There are things here that are categorically not on the same level—you thinking she is emotionally abusive to her fiancé and possibly child is not of the same levity of her requesting you buy an $80 dress. Mixing such issues just seems petty.
To be honest, it seems your friendship has run its course and it’s best for you both if it ends. I’d send a short, emotionless text saying that you wish her well but cannot participate in her

View Quoted Comment You’re right it’s not on the same level AT ALL and probably shouldn’t be the same conversation and it does come off as a complete character assassination. It’s everything she’s done that I’ve bottled for like six months so probably it’s best not to go over any of it. It’s just that she’s thoughtless in every area of her life from the big stuff to the little decisions. I don’t know what she’d do with what I said other than continue to do exactly what she’s doing.

Hit reply too soon. I’d send a text that says you cannot participate in her wedding and wish her well. Likely she’ll react poorly but you can move on from a relationship that’s doing you no good. Going into a long explanation of all the things you have against her won’t benefit either of you.
And for your own mental sanity, forget that she didn’t buy you a shower gift or plan on feeding the bridal party the day of or that you’ve spent money on feeding her and her daughter. Don’t let that take up real estate in your mind.

View Quoted Comment That’s okay happens to the best of us. As backwards as this sounds and after reading your message I do realize it’s backwards, I only cited those instances because I thought maybe it would help her to understand the way her decisions affect people in her day to day life. But I’m too emotionally invested in this to be constructed. I’m happy I spent money on her child, I’m pissed that she assasinated the character of all my good friends when she didn’t bring a gift which none of them did, but none of them caused drama, they all contributed something whether it was a game idea or bagels, and none of them created chaos. I think the bare bones of what I have a problem with is the hypocrisy, but I should’ve said that instead of mentioning the no gift thing because then it does look like that’s what I care about. And it really is only the fact she annihilated everyone verbally through text saying they did the bare minimum, yet she did nothing.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. You are never under any obligation to participate in her wedding nor attend. Friendship is a two way street. If she isn’t reciprocating, find another friend who does.


Her personal life issues aside, asking guests to pay for the wedding is bad enough and would not go over in many circles. But alcohol with no food is begging for disaster. Stay home and have fun on your own.

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I think that all you need to do is say, I no longer want to be a bridesmaid in your wedding. Short and sweet. Then, you leave. If she decides to flip out, which she will, no big deal because you were already leaving. Just keep going.

Then, call the other bridesmaids and tell them you dropped out. Maybe they will, too.

If everyone drops out, maybe her fiance will get a clue and call it off. Because he's in for a world of misery. I feel bad for him.

Good luck with this. Don't let her bully or intimidate you. She's an abusive user/taker, and the faster you get away from her, the better.

View Quoted Comment Thank you.
Now that I’ve vented and gotten the ugly stuff off my chest I feel I can just let her know I don’t want to participate in her wedding and take several steps back and set boundaries to where I’m not in a position to be around all this other personal stuff I can’t control.
I don’t want to spend time with her and probably don’t need to discuss with her at length that I won’t be spending time with her anymore.