I don't want to ask my dad for money

I've seen the good and bad in him. He has done nice things like take us on vacations and getting us birthday gifts but now that I'm graduating college( which he hasn't helped pay for) he seems very happy for me to not be an expense anymore(I'm on his military insurance). I have come to love my dad but I'm also a bit scared of him. I don't want to ask him for money because I want to pay myself and I don't want him to ever use it as leverage in the future. Is this wrong of me?

You shouldn't ask him so don't. Your mom chose to marry him and have children with him. What he did was horrible but paying for your wedding is not the way for him to make restitution.

Don't ask him and tell your mom to drop it. She has no right to demand that you ask him and get mad when you say that you won't.

Without reading the rest of the story (in the future, type up the entire thing in a word doc and copy and paste...), if you don't want to ask your dad for money, don't. Let your mom know that she succeeded in raising an independent adult who doesn't need to rely on others for things, and that is something for her to be proud of. This is a GOOD thing not to need others, that you and FH are both adult enough to pay for your wedding by yourselves, that you (seemingly) have good heads on your respective shoulders. I sincerely hope that your mother isn't still trying to use her adult daughter as a pawn against your father, although that is kind of how it seems from the initial post. Even if that is the case, good on you for not wanting to give in to that. Life is hard enough without being bitter and using kids (minors or adults) against the other parent just isn't cool.

^^ As others have said, don't ask for money. Your intuition is right, save with FH and have the wedding you want. Sounds like your mom is projecting expectations, you just need to have a talk with her and establish that you're having your wedding your way.

@EC17 thank you for the tip I will try to explain what you said to my mom. I really wanted the wedding to just be a small celebration and I didn't want my parents to have to worry about the cost at all. I want them to enjoy the party! Not worry about paying for it.

Don't ask your dad for money just because your mom is telling you to. You are doing the right thing...this seems like your moms issue and she is trying to make it yours. Mom shouldn't be trying to reel you into her issues with dad.

You have a complicated and difficult history with your father. That fact that you still harbor fear when you think of him isn't unusual for a lady in your position (and you can master that, but it does take work). You've been hearing a lot from your mother -- it's all over your post.

Do yourself a big favor...DO NOT revisit the disintegration of their marriage (and your mother is clearly still quite angry -- and while that's not healthy, it is understandable), or what he paid or didn't pay for. Do not ask him for money for your wedding. I doubt, when all is said and done, that you'd be happy you asked and he gave -- despite what wedding extras his money may have purchased. Tell your mother it's a dead issue. If he wants to contribute, he will.

Leave it there. Look forward. It's a new day, and your family is the one you're about to create with FH.

I would never ask my dad for money. If I could pay my bachelors without his help, I'm definitely paying for my wedding without his help

Even if you're dad offered, You should not accept if you think he will use it as leverage. My dad used money as leverage on me as he paid for my college tuition out of pocket. It got so bad that at one point I was willing to take out student loans and completely cut him out of my life. I absolutely will not be accepting any money from my dad for the wedding. It's not worth it.

Don't ask if he doesn't offer

Don't ask him. If she feels he should pay then she should call him and tell I'm so directly.

Nope I would never ask for money for a wedding

Have your small intimate wedding and don't ask him for anything. We had a lovely small wedding and I wouldn't have changed anything about it. Your wedding idea sounds perfect.

I would not ask him for money. You don't want that to become a pawn in their complicated game and you don't want it potentially held over you in the future. If he offers himself, that is up to you but I would definitely not ask.

I would not ask him for money. For starters, the marriage and situation between him and your mom are their business. It's great you've been able to establish your own relationship, and lie it or not, being indebted to someone comes with all sorts of strings. You don't want that, especially as you said you are a little afraid of him. By doing it yourself, you can have whatever relationship you want with him and not feel obligated. I think it's great you want to do it on your own. My FH and I are paying for everything and while it's a lot of money, the freedom of it is wonderful!

I'm in a similar position. My dad is very emotionally manipulative. He has offered to help with the wedding (shockingly). However, given past experiences with taking money from him, I know it will just end with him holding it over my head to get something he wants in the future. It's just not worth it. If you explain to your mom that you don't want him to have something he can use against you in the future would she understand?

Don't ask anyone for money.

I wouldn't ask him or anyone for money. When people give money for the wedding they get opinions on stuff.

I didn't read all the comments.

My dad left when I was 11 and I haven't seen him since I was 14. He also begrudgingly paid for everything he was legally responsible for until he signed away his rights when I was 16 or 17 (I can't exactly remember).

If anyone told me that I had to ask him for money and then got pissy with me when I didn't do it, they could fuck the hell off, and I would have no problem saying that to them. I don't want anything from my father, ever, and that includes possible guilt inheritance money whenever he dies.

If you don't want the money, don't take it. And if your mom doesn't like it, she can sit and stew about it on her own time. You aren't wrong. At all.