Hi, everyone. I'm getting married next year and my narcissistic, formerly abusive mother adamantly expects to help me pick out my wedding gown.
My mother was extremely abusive to me while I was growing up. She was also obsessed with my appearance, often telling me I was ugly, which led to my lifelong struggle with dysmorphia. She dragged me on endless shopping trips to dress me up like a doll, which I hated - not only was I tomboyish as a child, but I'm very petite, and clothes for girls my age never fit me. Being forced to try on ill-fitting things or clothes from the toddler section, sometimes for hours, was extremely distressing, especially when my mother flew into rages. When I was 20 years old, I cut her out of my life and we did not speak for five years. I began seeing a therapist, who I see to this day. With therapy, I learned to move past the abuse to the point where I was able to reunite the family. My mother had been scared straight and has not been cruel to me since.
14 years later, I'm - somehow - engaged to a wonderful man. We're planning on telling our families at Christmas. I'm dreading it because I know my mother will assume she will be helping me choose a dress. Even though we now have a decent relationship, I don't want her anywhere near the dress shops. Shopping for wedding dresses inevitably brings up body issues for most women, and though I've learned to accept my small size (4'11", 45kg), I'm sure all my old issues will come back - and some new ones, too, as I'll be an "older bride". Mom is losing her filter as she ages, and in the past year or her mask is slipping and she's become increasingly critical. She is extremely traditional and closed-minded and will not understand my concept of a minimalist, edgy dress with no veil.
I've been to three dress shops on my own. It was fantastic - no stress from outside opinions and I didn't look nearly as bad as I thought I would. Over the summer, I showed my mother a picture of dress I liked. She immediately winced: "No, you can't wear that. That will look ridiculous on you." I tried it on the other week but before I did, I asked the assistant: "Do you think this dress will look ridiculous on me?" and she said, "Absolutely not!" To my delight, I loved it. I told the sales assistant what my mother had said and the assistant replied, "That's why you asked! I couldn't figure out why on earth you would think so."
I'm loving the solo process, but am sick to my stomach when I think of my mother's reaction when I tell her. Part of her desire to go wedding dress shopping is because she is still resentful that my grandmother didn't go with her, and I know she will be crushed. Even if I tell her that I'm doing it on my own, she will still take it as a personal affront. I don't know how to mitigate this without caving and allowing her to come with me, laying myself open to her criticism and my PTSD. I also feel guilty - I know that many women who've lost their mothers would love to have them present. My anxiety over this is casting a shadow on the joy of dress hunting and I'm not sure how to proceed. Any thoughts would be greatly welcome.
