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Expert September 2021

i don’t know what to do!

Meghan, on August 8, 2019 at 10:23 PM Posted in Planning 0 17

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So I got engaged about a month ago and am looking into pricing of things. My FH set a budget and so far all the places are already exceeding it (with an estimated 200 people). He said we could cut the list, but I don’t see us being able to cut that much because we both have large families.

I threw out the idea of a destination wedding, but he said that his closest friends wouldn’t be able to go due to having kids and how much it would cost them.

So I mentioned eloping in Hawaii and he was cool with that idea, but at the same time I would want my immediate family there, which he agreed on but then doesn’t that bring us back to a destination wedding?

I don’t know if he’d really want that or just saying it to save money. I also don’t want to spend a lot because I’d rather use it towards student loans , traveling, or a home. so I get where he’s coming from but I feel so overwhelmed because my family is planning on this major event (I’m the first one getting married) so I don’t want to upset them but I’m at a loss.

I don’t know my mom also has a fear of flying so if we did do a destination wedding she would most likely not go.

Everyone also says its a magical night and you only get married once. I get that but the pricing on things and the stress of meeting everyone’s wants (which I know I shouldn’t do) is confusing me on everyone.

Also, we both talked about him getting me a really nice engagement ring instead of putting that money towards the wedding. We both agreed that the ring is something I would have forever and symbolizing his love for me yatta yatta.

What do you think ?
anyone else feel the same way?

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17 Comments

Latest activity by Alycia, on August 9, 2019 at 11:57 AM

Devoted April 2020
Sara · on August 8, 2019 at 10:37 PM
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First, congrats on your engagement! Second, weddings are magical but certainly not worth going into debt over, the most important thing is you are married to the person you love. I think you mentioned some good ideas..

first I totally understand wanting your family to be there but if you need to cut costs then that means cutting the guest list and finding a smaller venue. There’s always exceptions but I think most family members would understand especially if you guys are paying for this on your own.

You could also push your date back and give yourself time to save.

or you could do a nice elopement somewhere beautiful together and if your family can’t make it, maybe host a low key party when you get home to celebrate. Weddings are wonderful but can be super stressful you and your FH should talk it over in depth and see what would be best and truly make you both happy. Your family will be happy to see you happy in the end!
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on August 8, 2019 at 10:51 PM
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Most of the budget goes towards reception so maybe instead of having a full on meal, just do a cake and punch or cocktail hour only type of thing after.
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Super July 2020
D · on August 8, 2019 at 10:56 PM
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A nice ring is nice but jewelry can be upgraded on anniversaries or over time. A classic ring that isn't overly expensive will always be a classic.
DW are great but many can't go and Hawaii would be a DW. Also a lot of couples still have informal receptions at home too so it's not as cheap as you'd think. Of course the home reception is totally optional but people like to feel included and celebrate your marriage.
Eloping is a good option if you are ok with it. Sometimes family and friends have mixed feelings about them. As long as you are ok with not having xyz person there or ABC being hurt by not being allowed to be there, go with it.

I would go over your budget and guest list. See if your guest list is realistic. Consider moving your date back 6 month or more to save up more money. Consider all types of venue options.
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Super July 2021
Alycia · on August 8, 2019 at 11:02 PM
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What budget are you working with? What area are you in? Those questions make a difference.
I would rather have a ring I love and an amazing honeymoon than a big wedding. The ring is forever and the chance to travel is a lot less likely once you have kids.
If your family wants a big event, they should be willing to help pay for it. Otherwise, it’s totally up to you to choose how you spend your money.
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Champion October 2009
2d Bride · on August 9, 2019 at 12:59 AM
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You don't have to have a DW to have an intimate wedding. You could invite just your immediate families (i.e., parents and siblings), hire an officiant, and then take everyone to dinner in a nice restaurant.
The issue with trying to cut the guest list by having a DW is that you then get the guests who can afford to go, which may well not mean the guests who are most important to you. In your case, it would mean leaving out your mom. Wouldn't you rather have an intimate wedding with her there than a DW with an equal number of guests, but ones who were more distant relatives?
But also, the budget shouldn't be something he "gives you." The two of you should work it out together, based on current savings, earning potential, and other savings goals, as well as the importance of the various aspects of the wedding itself. For example, you could most likely have a larger budget it you allowed more time to save, or one of you got a second job, etc.
Beyond that, this is ultimately your choice--and by "you," I mean the two of you. For me, a really nice engagement ring was not only not a priority--it was something I actively did not want. However, if it's important to you, you will need to balance it against your other goals, wedding or otherwise. You can't let your parents' expectations decide things.
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Dedicated February 2022
Deborah · on August 9, 2019 at 1:00 AM
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Congrats on the engagement!!!! i think the answer to your problems is finding balance. A nice ring is always great to have... maybe you could find something nice that doesn’t kill the budget....

depending on where you are maybe a warm weather season where you can do something outdoors may help you be able to save on costs...

also find out what packages are offered in your budget and keep that as an option.... if it’s 50 guests 🤷🏽‍♀️ Take it down to immediate family only or those you interact with regularly....

If you don’t mind me asking where are you located and what’s your budget???

I think that would help us give you the best feedback
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Expert September 2021
Meghan · on August 9, 2019 at 1:07 AM
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We live in NY and budget is 20,000. My parents offered to help too but I just feel horrible taking money when they can use it for something else.
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on August 9, 2019 at 1:24 AM
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Do a microwedding with just immediate family. A few months later, you can have a very casual meet the newlyweds! Bbq or potluck with everyone you want
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Just Said Yes November 2019
Amber · on August 9, 2019 at 1:52 AM
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Its a matter of finding corners to cut that still allow you to get what you want from your wedding. You have to go over everything and decide what is important to you. My fiance decided that we wanted the big wedding with everyone there to celebrate with us. We also just had our third kid and I'm still in school. When we decided to get engaged I went with my fiance. I managed to save about a grand on the ring by going down in size about .1 carats. Also, you can find lower clarity diamonds for cheaper and there isn't a noticeable difference, you just have to look. We also went with an outdoor wedding and saved about $2000 on the venue that way. Look around at local gardens and see if that is an option for the time of year for your wedding. I guess my point is to cut the things that aren't important to you and use what you have on the things that you care about.
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on August 9, 2019 at 2:45 AM
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How about having an intimate wedding with only immediate family? This way you and FH can meet in the middle!
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Super July 2020
D · on August 9, 2019 at 2:57 AM
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I strongly recommend making a potential guest list and then start highlighting "must haves" and see how many there are. Might not be as many as you think.
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Master January 2019
Cassidy · on August 9, 2019 at 7:21 AM
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Do research, a lot of research. Get married off season. Many vendors off a discount or a reduced/no minimum spend. Checkout thumb tack. You can find professionals in your price range. I looked but didn’t use any of them. You didn’t mention where in NY, but if you look just outside of a big city, you might find things to be a bit cheaper. You will cry, you will get frustrated, and you will want to give up. Don’t. There are decently priced vendors out there.
I live in Nashville, which has a higher cost of living and is super popular (for some reason). I had to get married about 25-30 minutes from where i live,away from the city. None of my vendors came from Nashville, but rather the surrounding counties.
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Savvy August 2019
Brandi · on August 9, 2019 at 7:48 AM
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As people mentioned above, make a budget with your fh, and then stick to it. We used a template we found on google sheets to help us with the planning, and the most helpful thing on it was the budget section. Do a little research and then start entering in the average of how much you plan to spend for each aspect of your wedding. Prioritize what means most to you and reduce or cut from the budget things that don't. We had an intimate wedding (32 guests) which were immediate family, close college friends, and our closest extended family (I only invited 2 of my 6 uncles/aunts, and my husband only invited his godparents instead of the 13 aunts/uncles he has). If you are thinking about reducing your guest list, I would make a list of everyone you are planning to invite, and then group them into an a, b, and c list. Everyone in the a list should be the people that MUST attend, your immediate family, best friends, etc. These are the people who will most likely rsvp yes and drop what they're doing to come to your wedding. Your b list should be good friends, and extended family that you hope will come, but would understand if they couldn't and wouldn't be too heartbroken over if they didn't make it. Your c list is anyone you aren't especially close to and haven't talked to in a few years. It sounds harsh to group people like that, but no one needs to know this list exists, and the truth is, not everyone can come to every wedding, and you certainly shouldn't go into debt for your wedding trying to invite everyone.
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Master June 2019
Danielle · on August 9, 2019 at 8:55 AM
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Congratulations on your engagement! It sounds like having a small intimate wedding close to home with immediate family (parents, grandparents, siblings) and close friends would be your best option.
Pros: You get to have your VIP's there, it is the cheaper route (for everyone), and you can save money for a nicer honeymoon afterwards.
Cons: You don't get to invite your large family (but you wouldn't do that anyways, if you had a destination wedding).
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Expert October 2017
Florida Marlins · on August 9, 2019 at 10:09 AM
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Personally, I would do a small ceremony with immediate family only plus your closest friends and have a dinner afterwards in a private room at a favorite restaurant. $20,000 is still a lot of money to work with, and if you have student loans that is a big factor. You will be glad it was simple and sweet. DW's are usually budget friendly for the couple but not the guests and this board is littered with threads of people who had a DW then were upset that only a few people came.
Best wishes!!
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Expert March 2019
Danielle · on August 9, 2019 at 10:49 AM
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You have to decide what's most important to you. I wanted a really great party, so spending more on a ring wouldn't have made me happy. And the party wouldn't have been the same without certain people there, so the guest list was a big deal to me too.
Where in NY are you? We got married in Orange County, NY in March, and spent about that, not counting our rings, for just under 100 people, so start with your guest list. Definitely consider off season...we didn't have a specific date in mind, and ended up in March because Saturdays then were cheaper than in April, which were cheaper than in May, etc. Don't automatically discard inclusive venues that look like a high per person cost...ours was just over $100 per person, but that covered all food, drink (open bar), staff, setup, cleanup, linen and table settings, space for the ceremony and a bridal suite to get ready in...I spent about $200 on other decor and that was it. Most of the rest of the money went to DJ (a must-have for me), transportation and photo/video...I bought my dress online from Azazie and spent under $500 including alterations because that was something I couldn't see spending a lot on to wear once.
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Super July 2021
Alycia · on August 9, 2019 at 11:57 AM
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If your mom wants to help pay, you should let her put the money towards inviting guests she wants to see at the wedding. Figure out the cost per person including chairs, tables, place settings, food, drinks, favors, etc. That way, you just pay for the wedding itself and only people who are closest to you.
DIY everything you can. My budget is about $20,000 in So Cal. We are expensive like NY. I made all my bouquets with high-end faux flowers. Cost: about $200 total. I’m doing my own centerpieces as well: about $250 total for 10 tables with wreathes, lanterns, flowers. Watch for sales at craft stores both in actual stores and online. Also Amazon has great prices and free returns on anything you don’t like.
Get designer shoes, jewelry, a veil etc. on Amazon. You can get custom jewelry and a custom veil on Etsy as well. Only use a bridal shop for your dress.
If you are willing to do some work yourself, and spend some time hunting for deals, you can have a dream wedding for $20,000 with all the bells and whistles.
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i don’t know what to do!

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