Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Savvy October 2020

i don't know what to do

Ashley, on September 12, 2020 at 2:15 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 16

Saved

Flag
Hide content

My future sister-in-law is a horrible person. She makes everything about her and if she feels like it's not, she makes everything hell. It's like walking on eggshells. She also has some sort of spell over my FH and his brother. When she's around, they bend over backwards for her and do what she wants even if it goes against what they would normally do. And at the time, they act like it's no big deal. She's made it clear that she will do what she can to make sure my FH and I don't have a relationship. I tried to give her a chance but she threw me under the bus by telling me one thing and then lying to my FH making him think I was trying to ruin things. On top of all that, she has been an awful person to my FH.

At first he had cut her off. He was done. But then she used her spell and dragged him back in to where he just pretends and forgets all the horrible things she has done. Now he wants to invite her to the wedding. I have made it clear I do not want her there. She will do what she can to ruin the wedding and make me have a miserable day. She'll convince him to do something or allow her to be apart of the wedding. Whenever she's around, he folds to her will. We've talked about thia before and he agreed not to invite her, but he just brought it up again. He feels that if he doesn't invite her that he will lose a relationship with her forever and that she deserves a second chance. I've told him that our wedding isn't the place for that. Plus he has given her chances after chances.

I basically feel like it's either I have a miserable wedding with potentially a blow up or he has a miserable wedding because he feels he lost a relationship with his sister. I don't know what to do and at this point, I feel like this could ruin our relationship.

Flag
Hide content

16 Comments

Latest activity by Maggie, on September 14, 2020 at 3:51 PM

Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on September 12, 2020 at 2:18 PM
Flag

Hide content
Is there anyway she can attend the reception after you two already exchanged vows and signed the paperwork.
- Reply
Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on September 12, 2020 at 2:19 PM
Flag

Hide content
Is there anyway she can attend the reception after you two already exchanged vows and signed the paperwork?
Or can she arrive late at the reception?
- Reply
Savvy October 2020
Ashley · on September 12, 2020 at 2:21 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
He live out of state, so if she comes, she'll be coming to both. His brother is coming and she will end up stay with him. I don't want her at the reception either.
- Reply
Master November 2020
Kristen · on September 12, 2020 at 2:23 PM
Flag

Hide content
I would not worry about the wedding as honestly that is one day. Your marriage is not and I would be concerned about that. I think you need to have a real, serious talk about all this again. I know you said you did but I would again and tell him what you said here. I think he needs to talk to her about she treats you. She does not have to like you but she needs to be respectful. I would think about how you want her interaction with him and you post wedding. I can see why he would want her there but I think you need to put some rules in place like she cannot be apart of the wedding at least on your end. If she wants to stand by her side that is fine. I would let him know that when it comes to your wedding party and pre wedding events you will not invite her and at no point can he ask you to invite her or even tell her the plans so she does not have a chance to ruin everything. How do you get along with your MIL? Why does she have an issue with you? I ask in case you have a bridal shower but you do not have to invite them but you can. I think you two need to come to an agreement of her wedding involvement and more important her treatment post wedding.
- Reply
Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on September 12, 2020 at 2:27 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Idk. It's his sister so it's ultimately his decision in regards to whether she can attend or not.
- Reply
Master October 2022
Jana · on September 12, 2020 at 2:28 PM
Flag

Hide content
Be firm and say you don't feel comfortable with her there. Remind him that he agreed not to invite her.

You have to have a Come To Jesus talk with him and he needs to decide if he wants to be married to you or cave in to her wishes. Best of luck!
Sometimes you have to cut off toxic people. It's not easy but it's healthier and less stress in the end.
- Reply
Savvy October 2020
Ashley · on September 12, 2020 at 2:39 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
My fear is that even with rules set it place, once she's here, he'll do whatever she wants. She could say, "let's rob a bank" and he'd do it even though he'd never do that. She has this really weird hold over both the boys. Beforehand, he will 100% agree with me and agree to rules, but then throw them out the window when she's around.
We don't have a relationship with his folks anymore. We did for 7 years, but then in the beginning of the year it came out that they are against our relationship. They are extremely religious and find our relationship against their Christian beliefs because we've lived together for 8 years without being married. They wanted no part of our relationship anymore. This is when his sister told my FH that it wasn't a big deal and he needed to get over it. He's playing a victim by being upset.
- Reply
June 2021
Dj Tanner · on September 12, 2020 at 2:46 PM
Flag

Hide content
Oh well, too bad. Sorry, I just don’t think you should put yourself aside on your own wedding day. I’m dealing with something similar right now and you know what who cares. If your FH wants to marry his sister then she can be invited to the wedding. If he wants to marry you, then she shouldn’t be allowed to be there. Enough is enough. I’m so sick of trying to put myself aside and compromise with complete childish adults. If you FH has an issue then tell him that you want to cancel
- Reply
Master November 2020
Kristen · on September 12, 2020 at 2:50 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

Honestly honey you are in a tight situation. All I can tell you is that you have control over your bridal party and your pre wedding events so at the end of the day she can say what she wants to him but basically you have the final say so on that. I would maybe not tell him details of pre wedding events so he does not share with her which sucks because you should not have to keep things from your FH. It sounds to me like she cannot manipulate you so the worse that will happen he will ask and you say no or she thinks to ask you and you say no. Maybe like a pp said only allow her to come to the reception but again you cannot control that. Maybe make others aware and put your foot down with him that if she comes and causes any issues she will be removed.
- Reply
Expert October 2021
Samantha · on September 12, 2020 at 2:54 PM
Flag

Hide content
I think that counseling would go a long way towards helping your relationship. A therapist can help identify why your FH reacts the way he does. I suspect that the rejection of his parents has him grasping for any family contact he can have. What his parents have done to him is terrible and traumatizing. This will not stop at your wedding. Your marriage will build off of this frustration and both of you deserve to have a happy, healthy relationship.
- Reply
VIP June 2019
MIWM · on September 12, 2020 at 4:08 PM
Flag

Hide content
She sounds like a Narcissist a covert one!
- Reply
Devoted January 2022
Natalie · on September 12, 2020 at 8:50 PM
Flag

Hide content
It’s really hard o say without having some examples of what she has done...everything you’ve mentioned has been really vague.

In general I feel it’s HIS wedding as well and he has say over who comes from his family.
Realistically, how exactly can she ruin the wedding? What are you envisioning? If she has a bad attitude you can ignore her. Are you worried she will yell out during the ceremony? Set the place on fire? Im just wondering what exactly the practical concern is, because IMO “I don’t like her” by itself is not enough to keep the grooms sister from coming when he wants her there.
- Reply
Champion July 2019
Veronica · on September 12, 2020 at 11:14 PM
Flag

Hide content
My guess is that your fiance doesn't want to risk his relationship with his sister since he already has no relationship with his parents which is understandable. I don't think it is your place to decide who from his family he can invite. If he wants his sister to be there, then he has every right to invite her. However, he needs to set clear boundaries. If you don't want her on your side that's 100% fine, but if he wants her to be on his side then that's his choice. My sister, who was my maid of honor, is very much all about herself and loves to be the center of attention, but she knew on my wedding day that type of behavior was unacceptable and if she made a scene she would be asked to leave.
- Reply
Expert November 2020
Shirley · on September 13, 2020 at 9:33 AM
Flag

Hide content
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think you should let him decide what to do with his family. If I were him, I would be heartbroken about losing relationships with my family. If you push this, he may grow to resent you.

I'm not saying the family not approving of your relationship isn't hurtful, because it super is. My mom married outside her cultural community, and her family acted insane to my dad as a result--refusing to speak English around him, spreading lies about his intentions, etc. He always just put a happy face on and played nice while my mom chastised her family. Whenever their families needed something, he would be the first to volunteer so he could change their minds about him. Now, they all have a happy relationship with each other, and my mom can enjoy seeing her family. Not saying this is the easy or right road for you, but it is possible.
- Reply
Super October 2020
Leslie · on September 13, 2020 at 10:34 PM
Flag

Hide content
Let her be the bad guy. You’ll never win against her. He comes with her as part of who he is.
- Reply

VIP January 2019
Maggie · on September 14, 2020 at 3:51 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

I agree with Natalie. You already know you can't "win" this battle so don't put yourself up in a "her vs. me" war. You've said your piece to your future spouse and now it's his decision.
You are allowed to not like his decision, but much of what you describe seems more like a relationship problem between you two than merely a "horribly future sister-in-law who casts spells" problem. If he is willing to believe bad things she says about you, you and he need to get on the same team BEFORE you get married. None of this will magically get better after you are married and his sister will likely be in and out of his life.
- Reply